Husband afraid of DIY

[Bloozie]

My Dad is a builder and my ex was too, so I've been around men who are handy all my life. I'm not very handy myself because I lack confidence, but I understand enough of the landscape to know when we need to get a trade in, or when we can do it ourselves.

My husband is a polymath, one of the most intelligent people I know, can learn and do anything he puts his mind to, but has always rented properties before we met and so had a landlord maintaining things for him.

I am the main earner in the house and work more than full time, he works between 2.5 and 4 days a week. I take responsibility for the house and garden, and my son from a previous marriage, and all the animals. He cooks twice a week and does the laundry. We have a cleaner.

All this is context for a real bone of contention between us at the moment. He won't get involved in home maintenance. On any level.

We had a leak in the upstairs bathroom recently that took the power out in the room beneath it. Once the leak had been sorted by a plumber and the room below had been dried out with a dehumidifier, I asked him to find an electrician to come and get the power back online. This was during a period when I was making redundancies at work, it was hideous and very stressful. My husband just didn't. I kept asking and he kept saying the room needs to dry, and I was like, it is dry. I've had the dehumidifier on, you can feel it's dry, it needs looking at. Weeks went by and I ended up sorting it myself.

Our washing machine stank and was full of mould. I asked him to empty the filter and clean it out when he had a minute, he said it wasn't that, there's something wrong with the pipes, we need to get a man in. I said we can't a man in until we've gone through basic maintenance. He lost his temper and said that his mum 'never once cleaned her washing machine filter', that's not a thing, it's not for homeowners to do. I pointed out that we're meant to do it every 2 months. He said that just isn't true. I cleared the filter myself, got all the mould out, nothing smells now.

Our dishwasher recently started not cleaning things properly. I googled and it said to clean the filter and spray arm as first action. I asked him to do that. He said he has no idea how, he's not a dishwasher repairman. I said that Google is his friend. He said he doesn't know the model. I said it's on the sticker. Long story short, it stopped draining completely because he did nothing. I googled for a plan of attack; he was adamant we needed a repairman. The outlet hose just needed clearing. I did it. These solutions are easy to find online.

And now we having the bathroom and windows replaced. I am fine that I have had to co-ordinate it all, line up all the trades, whatever. I AM better placed to do that. I do know more than him. Fine. But the builder is in today and I have a busy day on and we need some materials that I'd told the builder we already had, but we don't. So I just asked my husband if he'd go to the builder's yard to get some blocks and he had another meltdown. He hates going there, hates the feeling that they know more than he does...

I don't mind at all that he can't build a house himself. But he can teach himself anything when he wants to, and has said many times he finds DIY boring and it's not something he's interested in doing.

Me either. I had zero interest in how dishwashers work, washing machine filters, electricians... None. I don't figure out how things work because it's my life passion, nor do I go into technical detail. I just look online for 2-minute YouTube explainers and if it's simple, do it, and if it's hard, ring someone. Like a normal fucking adult.

It's really starting to make me cross. I'm not his landlord or his mother, and every damn thing in this house is my responsibility. Fine. But I can't even delegate simple things, and his reaction to requests is strange and OTT. He panics and gets defensive and then turns it around on me: normal people get repairmen in. Not to clean the bastard dishwasher filter they don't. If he's worried about being emasculated and embarrassed by people that know more than him, THAT would be more embarrassing. Getting the Hotpoint man out to empty sweetcorn.

He thinks I'm being really unreasonable and says there are other things he's suited to doing. But I'm at a loss to figure out what, because it isn't gardening, decorating, sorting cupboards out that need sorting, helping his stepson...

This is making me mad.

Woah woah, what?

I was kind of semi-sympathetic until I read all this misogynistic bullshit! - Is that what he actually says? - If so, those are pretty shocking attitudes to have in 2025.

Not to mention that even if you are gender stereotyping, it would be men doing most of the DIY.

OP,

With a DH like this - have you secured your son's future - safeguarded your share of assets for him?

You saved up the deposit for the house and pay the mortgage - why is your DH a joint owner?

You have a son - he should inherit from you - on marriage i would have ringfenced the house legally as going to your son.

Do you have a Will in place? I am no lawyer but wouldn't everything pass to your DH as your husband if anything happened to you? He could turf your son out of the house not give him any funds.

Aside from the point of your post - I would ensure you get a Will or trust or whatever is needed in place and secure everything for your son. Ideally you get DH name off the house and ring fence for your son. If that is not an option as you are now married and it is a martial asset - then suggest you speak to a lawyer as to what you can do here.

What happens to DH's money? Is he squirreling it away as you pay everything? He should contribute his fair share to the household and you then have extra cash then to save for yourself and ringfence away from the marriage for your son in the future. As I said I am not a lawyer but I would consult one with a view to ensuring you protect yourself and protect your son. Another thing is the business - could you legally put that in trust for your son so that incase of divorce or death he gets it? Again i am no lawyer but speak to one to understand the law and your options- make a will trust etc make sure your son knows who the lawyer is - if they are holding the original will etc.

Best of luck, you sound an amazing, capable person OP.

Against all instincts I am going to say OP is the unreasonable one here because her husband has been clear all along who he is

There is that saying that marriage disappoints men and women because men expect women not to change and women expect men to change.

OP was attracted to the ways he is different. His hippy outlook and sureness about his values. Can be very charming and attractive. Gets old quickly when you’re the one facilitating him.

I left my inadequate man in the end. Yes he fell straight in to a much less comfortable life without me in it but he’d still rather live life in his own way than become competent in the way I am. I am philosophical about it.

OP. Can you live like this? Accept who he is and that he will always put himself first? Most men do. I am sure he’s not expending any energy psychoanalysing you or thinking about why you’re the way you are. He doesn’t want to know. He won’t listen.

Why is he only working 2.5 days a week? He sounds useless. Dh hates diy but happily researches and pays others.

I've already shared my thoughts in this thread, but I'll add a bit more after re-reading all of OP's posts.

OP,
It also seems like this situation is less about filters and more about a creeping imbalance — one that’s been growing over time and now has you carrying nearly all the mental and practical load. And that’s a lot for anyone, even someone as clearly capable as you.
You’ve also mentioned that your DH has contributed in the past — stepping back from full-time work when your son was younger, supporting your career with flexibility — which makes the current resistance even more confusing and hurtful, I imagine. It doesn’t make the behaviour OK now, but it does complicate the narrative that he’s always been useless. Life roles shift, and sometimes one partner doesn’t adjust when the other needs them to. That’s a solvable problem — if both people are open to change.
You’re not asking for heroics. You’re asking for shared responsibility. A household shouldn’t function like a one-woman show where every blocked pipe, dishwasher tantrum, or cat sick incident defaults to you because you have “berry-hunting eyes.”
If you're up for it, you might try framing a conversation with him like this:
“This isn’t about dishwashers or filters — it’s about how we live together as adults. I’m feeling overwhelmed by the weight of it all, and I need you to take ownership of some of the load, in ways that work for both of us. I don’t expect you to love it, I don’t love it either. But right now it’s all falling to me, and I can’t keep going like that.”
Give him a chance to name what he can take charge of — even if it’s not DIY. Booking trades, tech issues, managing the calendar, sorting car maintenance, whatever. Let him pick his lane — but make it clear that opting out entirely isn’t sustainable.
I think a lack of communication, too much miscommunication, and negative emotions between a couple can disrupt a marriage if both partners aren't willing to work together to resolve issues.
If nothing works, then so be it...

I do have to ask, OP — was this a blindfolded marriage arranged during a Mercury retrograde? Did you two never date, chat, disagree over cutlery placement, or establish basic expectations before signing the papers?
Or are we all missing the plot twist — is he secretly heir to a vast estate, and you're just quietly waiting for the will to be read before launching Operation Divorce and Dogsled?

What a turn off. He sounds like a wet lettuce.

He may really be totally overwhelmed by doing these things, he's very clever academically, but has no understanding or knowledge of practical things, and no confidence to do anything practical. It is sometimes true of very academic people their brains aren't built that way. You picked him, warts and all, you may be able to train him to do simple practical things but it's unlikely he's ever going to be able to cope with DIY even in it's simplist form. even if you get him to google it, he will likely regurgitate how it was designed and all about the components, but still not be able to tackle the job! I worked with some extremely academically clever people, but I'm not sure all of them could even change a light bulb.

He is like your child rather than your partner (although your actual child does more than he does). He has a couple of not particularly difficult chores to do and doesn't need to make a financial contribution to the mortgage and has a sort of 'hobby' job.

I would find him utterly infuriating and would have absolutely no respect for him. At least make him contribute financially. He can only work part-time because you are subsidising him financially. Stop doing that.

If he was a normal employee and not your husband, would you put up with this picking and choosing what he does at work? I very much doubt it.

Getting GDPR wrong could jeopardise your business. Don't you ever get angry?

He seems to have done a right number on you with this “polymath” stuff, if he means “eeewww, yuck, don’t talk to me about this stuff, you’re so boring, I’m more evolved than you, I can’t even see cat sick”. Is he 15?

I had to read all your posts @Bloozie becire voting because initially I thought you were being unfair. My father and my (male) partner are both bad at DIY and it distresses them that people expect it because of their gender. So I thought initially you were being unfair.

But actually, most of your examples are not DiY in the sense I think of it. These tasks are household maintenance. The washing machine and dishwasher don’t need “a repair man” as your husband said (interesting he thinks of this as a male coded task) these are household cleaning jobs.

And for him to say “women’s eyes are better at seeing things because of hunter gathering societies” is straight up misogynistic bullshit.

I have some sympathy with him not wanting to spend all weekend doing jobs. But he only works very very part time and also I know people who say this and their house is always trashed.

It is not unreasonable to want to live in a house with operational appliances and a floor not covered in cat sick.

I think this is one for a counsellor. You love each other but these attitudes are becoming entrenched. It will kill your relationship if you can’t fix it. It’s relationship maintenance and you need to unclog the lines of communication and have some real dialogue, filtered by an effective therapist.

Good luck. YANBU btw.

OP, you are WAY BEYOND being fair to him. You are bending over backwards to make excuses for him! Surely, reading this thread and the comments people are making, you can start to see this now???

"He would take GREAT umbrage at being accused of being lazy. I think he sees it as a point of principle and pride that he won't spend his one rare and precious life doing drudge."

Just have a little think about this sentence that you wrote yesterday. Sounds very principled when you put it like that (it also sounds like the sort of thing a teenager says before they start to grow up and the realities of life start to hit home). And it's fine when he lives alone and has to live with the consequences - dishwasher that doesn't work, etc. But translate it into "I won't spend my time doing boring stuff when there's someone else around who will do it for me " and it starts to seem a lot less like principle and a lot more like laziness.

You can't have it both ways. You come across as "my way or the highway". And stop putting crap in your dishwasher if cleaning the filter is such a chore. Scrape the plates first, you don't need to wash sweetcorn!

He'd never, ever describe himself as a polymath. It's my observation of him. He can learn anything he puts his mind to, and he has a very determined mind. Over the years he's picked up skills to a very high level in his chosen hobbies - i can't say what they are as it would be very outing, but suffice it to say, when he wants to do something he doesn't just dabble - he goes all in.

A quality I only mentioned because if you can go all in on some of the very complex things he's mastered, you can google to figure out which of the pipes under the sink is the dishwasher outlet.

A normal employee wouldn't get to pick and choose. They'd hate me on the inside for asking them to do something dull, hard or shitty, but get on it.

And yes, I get very angry. And in those scenarios, he somehow emerges as the victim, because I am asking him to do something he feels is unreasonable that he doesn't feel comfortable with. He doesn't like operating outside of his comfort zone, would say he has a growth mindset, would intellectually understand that discomfort is how you grow, but violently rejects feeling uncomfortable or out of his depth. He wants to be the expert, or have no part in it, and if he isn't interested in becoming expert God-level in whatever it is, he just will not do it. I think it's the legal ramifications that scare him - he doesn't want to be responsible for it.

I think he doesn't really want to be responsible for anything. It's responsibility full stop that scares him.

If I broached that, he'd reject it angrily.

This is weaponised incompetence, OP. He doesn’t want to learn!

@Bloozie I think he doesn't really want to be responsible for anything. It's responsibility full stop that scares him.

The fear is interesting, and there must be a reason for it. Also, not wanting to undertake a task in which he feels he cannot excel. The avoidance, too - is he autistic? Not saying that is an excuse, but may be a reason and could give you an understanding of the challenges and a new methodology rather than the, what he may perceive, as being dictatorial?

So, apart from the general shiftiness, it’s that fact you have to pick up everything he isn’t interested in, that’s driving the resentment.

Have a look at your finances. See whether you could fairly reserve a big chunk of your earnings, reduce the overall comfort level of the household- his personal spends particularly.

If a bigger chunk of your money gets invested in you and your son, and your husband feels the pinch, he may be more motivated to save money by doing his share of the jobs or to earn more for his hobbies.

Can he make his hobbies pay as he’s so good at them?

Because I’m a reasonable person, I can’t fathom someone watching you run yourself ragged and resisting requests to pull his weight.

Have you tried the ‘If I worked the way you do, the business would go bust and we’d both be buggered!’, line?

Is his name on the house? You could give a third of the house to your son. Not without risk, but protects it a bit from your cocklodger.

I’ve been carefully not saying this for the entire thread. Men and their specialisms, their particularly personal focus on situations and their conviction they are right and you are a muppet for thinking differently.

What did he do before he met you and you employed him in your business? Was he employed or self-employed?

I don't know a single job at any level that doesn't have bits that are dull, hard or shitty. I have worked with people who think that dull, hard and shitty tasks are beneath them and they behaved accordingly (refused to do it, didn't do it but didn't tell anyone, did it really badly) and eventually they have all been managed out (normally with a pay off).

You bend over backwards to ensure that he only does the jobs he likes but he isn't even grateful. Honestly, I'd would seriously think about ending the marriage. You have two children, not one, and he is the most difficult child. Surely you must despise him and contempt will definitely kill love.

At the risk of repeating myself, if he wants to change (potentially to save the relationship), he can. But where is his incentive? And by then, will @Bloozie still have enough respect for him to want to carry on?

Ha! It was not an arranged marriage.

Over the years, he has become less engaged in house stuff, and the house stuff has got bigger. We lived in a smaller house when we married that was pretty much the finished product, and the garden was just lawn that needed mowing.

Then we moved into a slightly bigger house that was more of a project. Not a big project, just dated. Two mature gardens that are lovely but need work to stay on top of. A too small kitchen requiring an extension. And obviously stuff like the extension weren't homeowner jobs, but in the journey along the way it's become clearer just how afraid/disinterested/whatever he is in the nuts and bolts of everyday life.

I'd love to go to counselling with him but I'm petrified about what it would unearth, if I'm honest. I can't imagine a world in which he'd let me air any sore point I want to discuss, at all, without talking over me, and I know the counsellor is there to help with that but he gets extremely frustrated if he can't finish his own sentences (ironic) and just won't stop or drop the point. Not won't. Physically can't.

Increasingly he does this thing when we are talking about issues where I will start a sentence, he will assume how it is going to end or what my intention is (often wrongly), then start defending himself regardless of whether it's a defence that's necessary. And I will say, 'Can you just let me finish what I was going to say?' and he will pause, and I'll say two words then he'll do the same again, over and over again, until I lose my shit and then he tells me I'm unreasonable, he can't talk to me, I'm always attacking him, just leave him alone etc etc.

He's always been a bit like this, but it's got markedly worse and I feel like the only way I can communicate is if I can fit beginning middle and end into 7 seconds, because that's all I get before it goes to shit.

Incidentally it's really helping me talking to you all about this as I can't talk to my friends as they would then hate him and I don't want them to, so I never get to articulate my thoughts and follow them through to anything past the frustration.

Is he an admirer of Andrew Tate? He sounds mysoginistic

I strongly suspect he is autistic.

He won't consider it, as he feels he has strong social skills and his perception of people with autism is that they are insular, socially awkward and don't have empathy.

There's no point in telling him that actually, many people with autism have too MUCH empathy and it overwhelms them, or that they can mask for so long it becomes their actual front, because he has a fixed view of what autism is and isn't and won't be told/gently encouraged/asked to look into it himself.