To worry about the effect of a newborn on my 3yo

[mamariama]

I’ve got a 3-year-old daughter and we have a really lovely relationship — she’s my favourite person and this is my favourite age. We spend all our time together: playgrounds, days out, cuddles, lots of laughs. We have a nanny-housekeeper 8–2, which means I don’t cook, wash, iron or clean much and can just focus on her (and she’s very used to having my full attention, no nursery and no plans for nursery especially with a baby being due). My husband works long hours and is sometimes away overnight — she loves him, but definitely prefers me, and whether she’s ok with me leaving depends on whether she’s doing something fun (fairground rides? fine. dinner at home? asking when I’ll be back).

Now I’m pregnant with a boy (IVF, very wanted, no surprises), and while I’m excited to give her a sibling, I’m also terrified of how it’ll affect her.

First up: the birth. She’ll be with the nanny during the day and my husband at night. She’s never fallen asleep for him before, but I guess a) I can’t exactly skip the birth and b) she has to give in eventually if I’m not there, right? I’ve heard stories of kids being traumatised by mum “disappearing” to have the baby, hating the mum and refusing to see her after, but also seen those cute reels of siblings meeting for the first time — so who knows.

Then there’s the postpartum. Newborns obviously need constant feeding and holding, and I hope to breastfeed — meaning I won’t exactly be swanning off to see Frozen with my daughter anytime soon. But how do I explain that without making her resent him? “Your brother needs milk to grow” seems to put the blame on him, which I want to avoid.

And finally, I really don’t want to become the parents where the firstborn just gets handed off to dad while mum is with the baby 24/7. My husband has a month off, but still — how do we make sure she still feels like my girl, like before, and not pushed aside?

I imagine every single parent of a second child has gone through this. Being quite blunt about it, there's nothing unique about your relationship with your daughter she will go through what millions of other children have gone through.

They're kids, they adapt and you do the best you can do to get them through it. That's all you can do. You're still the same mum, she will just now have a brother to love as well as a mum and dad.

I think the trick is to involve her as much as possible. So - before the baby is born, talk about how she will be the baby’s big sister. And then, when he is born, you can frame it as people coming so that she can show/introduce them to her baby brother. Ultimately, you can’t maintain 100% attention on one child when you have another one, but you can try and make the “big sister” experience a positive one for her.

It will be good for her. It's good for her to share the love. She may have hiccups but you can help her through it and help her see her baby brother as another person to love in her family.

It’ll be fine.

I think you need to send her to a nursery for a bit so she has a life outside of you.

Part of the concern here is because you have created a co-dependency whereby you are never apart. This extends to bedtime - your husband should be able to put her to bed.

Creating some interests outside of you is probably healthy for her anyway at this age.

Your daughter will survive. All 2nd children do. Start introducing the idea of her dad putting her to bed now. Talk about the baby lots as pp said say about her being a big sister and what a huge help shell be.

She's luckier than most, youre not going to be dealing with cooking and housework too. There'll be plenty time when you can put the baby down and focus on her

She’ll be fine. My eldest was 2.5 when her brother was born and there was no transition at all- she just accepted that he was part of the family and that was that. Newborns are portable so he just came along. You’re lucky that you have a lot of help so you’ll have loads of time to focus on both of them.

You are over thinking it. You are having a second child, it’s incredibly common. Your relationship is not superior to anyone else’s relationship with their child, your worries are normal and your child will
be absolutely fine. Good luck with the new baby OP!

I have a daughter and son with just over a three year gap and I remember feeling similarly anxious before my son was born. I agree with @WimpoleHat that you need to emphasise your daughter's role as big sister and how important that is. Encourage her to start to become more independent (dressing herself fo example) and praise her for how she is able to do things for herself and her baby brother needs you to do everything for him. Involve her where you can, she could help chose what he is going to wear each day perhaps.

I breastfed and learning to breastfeed hands free with baby in a sling was one of the best things I did as it allowed me to play with my daughter while my son fed. I was lucky as my son also took a bottle so I was able to express and leave him with his dad for a couple of hours. I used to take my daughter out on a weekend morning just the two which was lovely.

None of mine really cared or showed much interest as each sibling arrived. Babies are boring to toddlers/preschoolers

Agree get her used to her dad putting her to bed (because he wants to, not "because of the baby".

There are some good books on how to prepare a child for a younger sibling's arrival- you are right not to want to blame things on the baby

I had this. I was absolutely terrified that my gorgeous DS (who was also 3) would struggle hugely with a new sibling. I was so close to him and he was also so close to DH. I was so scared he would think we loved him less or that he was losing something (us, his space, his life).

In reality, he absolutely adores DD. She’s his. More than ours, she’s his sister. She’s almost 3 now and he’s still absolutely besotted with her. They have the same birthday (another worry of ours) but he (for now at least) loves that. I cannot express how much he loves having her.

Some children will struggle but I just wanted to share that I was worried too and it just never happened at all for us.

@OakAshRowanyou make a really good point about independence. This is actually a problem, sort of. She’s 3.5, in my (biased) opinion she’s quite bright but objectively she is definitely not behind her age in terms of motor skills. Despite this she wants my help with everything. For example: lunch. She is more than capable of picking up pieces of food with her fork, carrying them to her mouth and then eating them. But, no. After 1-2 bites it’s “mummy, help me”. If I try to say that the options are 1) she eats it by herself or 2) she waits until I’m done with my portion, she will SCREAM “mummy help!!! Help, mummy!!!” and it will last as long as needed, can turn hysterical if I don’t help. Another one: toilet “come with me, mum” (she knows where to switch the lights on, she has no issue getting her trousers up or down, easily gets up onto the toilet). If I don’t she will wait. If I make it clear I’m not coming (because let’s say I’m cooking or heating up her dinner) then there will be cried, which then turn into actual screams and last a long long time.

any advice how to fix this?

Agree that you should probably try and work on dad being able to do bedtime. When I gave birth to my second, my mum came to stay to look after our eldest (just turned 2yo) - but he had never gone to sleep without me or his dad and was very unsettled. Fortunately, my husband was able to pop home and do bedtime. It would have been problematic if I was required as my second labour was very quick and baby arrived half within an hour of his bedtime.

Also, get a sling. Baby 2 (and subsequent baby 3) haves lived in the sling and life has essentially carried on as normal until they gradually unscrunch and join the party.

@ConfusedSlothmildly irrelevant question but do they have the same birthday by chance?? Or was it something like scheduled c section for the same day?

what a great bday present for him!!!

I agree.

By chance! I wouldn’t have done it on purpose! I imagine it’ll become an issue at some point for one or the other of them.

But he thinks she’s the most wonderful birthday present. I was so worried about how he would be when he had to share us - but I think, after she was born, he almost stopped caring about us at all 😂

i would honestly be sending her to nursery / pre school at 3.5. Do it now so she can get used to it before the baby arrives. It will hopefully give her more independence and also means you get some one on one time with the new baby.

Three year age gap here too though and it was absolutely fine when second born was little. Finding it harder now they’re older as not quite able to play with each other but plenty able to annoy each other and fight over my attention.

There are 2 years between my two dd's. The oldest showed very little interest in the baby for the first few months. Now baby is 5 months my oldest one tries to interact with her more. There was a bit of jealously but nothing unexpected. Sending her to nursery 2 mornings a week helps as it gives her interests outside of me and DW and the opportunity to interact with other children. It's important for us that she can interact with others as we both work full time, and DW will be going back to work in a few months.

Actually I think you should start getting dad as involved as possible with your daughter as soon as possible. You have no idea what your recovery from birth etc is going to be like (or even your health in pregnancy as you don't say how far along you are?). You could end up unexpectedly in hospital for weeks or something like my relative and your daughter would benefit from it being normal for her DF to put her to bed in that case for example.

My children have all been super close to DH so I never had any of these concerns tbh. I always get very ill for months in pregnancy anyway with HG so DC1 and then DC2 spent months barely seeing me in the later pregnancies well before any baby was born. Sure it was not nice for anyone and yes my DH did do more of the practical care and the taking them out etc for DC1 and then DC2 with subsequent babies initially. But it caused no harm for anyone, they were already well bonded to their dad and that early newborn phase, and even the pregnancies, is very short time in the grand scheme of things.

There’s a whole host of things to unpick here. Work on this and your anxiety over how she’ll cope with a newborn should reduce.

She needs scaffolding to become more independent. Most 3.5 year olds would respond welll to that. Is she starting nursery in Sept? Sounds like she’ll need it before reception.

How is she with other children!

I feel like it will be good for your daughter to realise she’s not the absolute only thing that exists in the world. I mean not even needing to occupy herself with some colouring or drawing or playing with Lego whilst you clean the kitchen like 99% of the country’s three year olds is lovely for her I’m sure but it’s the perfect age to start building independence. Do you have any plans to enrol her in reception? Because you will have to make a school choice around September time with a deadline of Jan 2026. Is she toilet trained, can feed herself, etc? A few months at nursery maybe Jan 2026 onwards might be great for her and for you and her brother . I have a three year old daughter myself and I get immense pleasure at seeing her try to be independent and enjoy attending nursery and talk about her friends and what she gets up to there. We too are ‘best pals’ and she’s a star but it’s nice for them to start having a little life of their own

Preparation, preparation, preparation ......
Read stories about Mums going off to have a baby and coming back.
Chat about what she might do with the nanny while baby is arriving.
Draw cartoon strips together of Mum going off to hospital and coming back with a baby.
Let her choose what clothes to put baby in to come home in. Put them in a special place ready to go with you to hospital.
Let her help you dress the crib, tidy the baby clothes - just all the general prep.
Take her shopping for the nappies etc. let her put them in the trolley and pay for them.

In short, make it a joint venture - yours and hers. Make plans together all the time - talk about it. Don't make it something that you and Dad are doing and then just presenting to her.

And get your OH to do a bit of practice in putting her to bed sop it does not comer as a total shock - start by doing it together.

She is old enough to be verbal and capable of talking about it and understanding what you are saying.

You'll have to start actually parenting her... probably easier now than when the baby arrives. She's not your little buddy who you pander to and cannot upset - children need gentle but firm boundaries. It's how they grow up to cope in the world.

It's okay to tell her that if she doesn't feed herself, the food will go away at the end of tea time when your plates are cleared too.

She also needs to be put to bed by her father, too. Have you really never had a night off bedtime for 3.5 years? That sounds incredibly overwhelming for you.

Does she go to playgroups or spend time apart from you with other family members? It's great you can be at home with her, but it doesn't sound like you're fostering much independence if she's always with you. That's doesn't sound very healthy (speaking myself as a SAHM). Also I've just read the bit about wanting help eating, that's really not great. They can and should be mostly independently eating early on, my 2yo had a little table where they would sit and feed themselves. I'd actually be concerned that she'll end up being quite behind. Can she mostly dress herself? Go to the toilet etc? Also you have 9 months to sort this out, so start now. Of course it will be a huge issue and she'll feel pushed aside if everything drastically changes once the baby arrives.