To worry about the effect of a newborn on my 3yo

[mamariama]

I’ve got a 3-year-old daughter and we have a really lovely relationship — she’s my favourite person and this is my favourite age. We spend all our time together: playgrounds, days out, cuddles, lots of laughs. We have a nanny-housekeeper 8–2, which means I don’t cook, wash, iron or clean much and can just focus on her (and she’s very used to having my full attention, no nursery and no plans for nursery especially with a baby being due). My husband works long hours and is sometimes away overnight — she loves him, but definitely prefers me, and whether she’s ok with me leaving depends on whether she’s doing something fun (fairground rides? fine. dinner at home? asking when I’ll be back).

Now I’m pregnant with a boy (IVF, very wanted, no surprises), and while I’m excited to give her a sibling, I’m also terrified of how it’ll affect her.

First up: the birth. She’ll be with the nanny during the day and my husband at night. She’s never fallen asleep for him before, but I guess a) I can’t exactly skip the birth and b) she has to give in eventually if I’m not there, right? I’ve heard stories of kids being traumatised by mum “disappearing” to have the baby, hating the mum and refusing to see her after, but also seen those cute reels of siblings meeting for the first time — so who knows.

Then there’s the postpartum. Newborns obviously need constant feeding and holding, and I hope to breastfeed — meaning I won’t exactly be swanning off to see Frozen with my daughter anytime soon. But how do I explain that without making her resent him? “Your brother needs milk to grow” seems to put the blame on him, which I want to avoid.

And finally, I really don’t want to become the parents where the firstborn just gets handed off to dad while mum is with the baby 24/7. My husband has a month off, but still — how do we make sure she still feels like my girl, like before, and not pushed aside?

Send her to nursery now so she gets used and will be very proud to tell everyone about a new sibling
Stop pandering to her cries. Serms like she knows to cry and scream and you jump. Try ignoring or being very calm about saying calmly "you can do it you are an amazing big girl"

Read "how to talk so little kids will listen"

Nursery isn’t just for parents who have to work, it prepares a child for school, teaches them social skills and independence. Are you planning to just send your 5 year old to school after she’s spent her entire life with you?

I'm in a somewhat similar position - 3.5 year old with a new baby on the way. Both my children were conceived via IVF. The difference is my daughter does go to nursery (she loves it!) and I do have to cook. I do most of the housework when she's not around but she enjoys helping put clothes in the washing machine so we do that together. We spend every single afternoon together. She loves her dad but absolutely will not have him if she wakes up during the night. Bedtimes are usually me because he isn't home yet, if he's here we both do bedtime and he gives her her bath on a Sunday.

We've been doing our best to prepare her. We've read a lot of books and she already talks about how a grandma or auntie comes to look after the older sibling while the baby is being born. She likes Lulu and the Noisy Baby. I'm having a C-section so I've already prepared her for me being in hospital for a few days - I've framed it as the doctors looking after me and making sure I'm all fine rather than it being anything to do with the baby. She knows that her baby sitter will need to drink mama milk - just like she did as a baby. So far she seems really excited about being a big sister. She keeps asking whether the baby is okay in mama's tummy and whether she will be able to give her a cuddle when she's here. We'll see him it goes once she realises that babies can't be given back but currently I'm pretty confident.

Basically, you're her best friend and very much the main carer. When the baby comes along you'll need to take away a lot of the time you spend with her and give that to the baby. Thats what babies need. So you need to prepare her for this, otherwise she's going to assume the baby has taken mummy away- and this is how sibling conflict starts.

She needs to be a lot more independent from you. I know you won't like to hear this. But there will be times the baby needs you most, and sibling will have to take care of themselves. You dont want siblings resenting each other because of this.

Get her much more used to sharing you, not answering to her every beck and call, so that when thos happens with the baby she doesn't think its because of the baby.

And you also need to accept your relationship will change. You will mourn the times it was just the 2 of you. But watching them be together without you is the greatest bit of all.

Mine loves the babies at nursery (admittedly not newborns but some are 4-5 months) and was fascinated with my cousin's 7 month old 🤣

Ill add that it isn’t necessarily that it must be the mum, only the mum, always the mum. Nannies, grannies, aunties help of course. It’s just that sending your child to a formal childcare setting with strangers, rather than family, is seen as something you’d only really do out of necessity.
You tagged me in this. I never suggested there wouldn't be nannies, grannies and aunties involved (or uncles, grandads and dads!) however you don't seem to have those either. Just a paid help so your child can be inseparable from you. That's what I think is an issue, and why I said it takes a village. For many of us out village included family and also child carers. And Dad!

For me, the “perfect” 50/50 where we both work, both do laundry and cooking, leave our child in nursery would be worse
Most families I know don't have this or your situation. There's a range in between rather than one extreme or the other. Lots of families have a full time working parent and a part time working parent, children have plenty of time home and some time in childcare.

Your husband can absolutely find time to put his daughter to bed once a month. Either you or he doesn't want to for some reason, but it can definitely happen.

You might be extraordinarily wealthy, but I'm sad for you having wound yourself into a corner with your parenting, sad for your husband missing out on the lovely bond that comes directly from being there for those "mundane" moments such as being put to bed. But most of all sad for your daughter, who doesn't have a dad involved in those bonding moments, just a big old piggy bank who comes to play every so often.

One of the best pieces of advice i got was if your baby and toddler cry and once, give the toddler 2 mins of attention first.

The baby wont remember waiting two mins and your toddler wouldnt forget if you go to the baby first.

That one is the biggie. I think it helps. And DD will still get a lot of your time because youre fortunately in having home help. It'll be a learning curve but more good than difficult. Congratulations on your new family

I was a SAHM and didn’t send my 4 to nursery. The year before school they went to playschool in the mornings but that's all.

I think this is really sad for the baby. They might not remember it but they will internalize the message that toddler comes first.

I think getting a sibling is a really convenient time to learn the world doesn't revolve around you.

I understand the angst. I felt the same when I had DD1 and was pregnant with DD2. I went through all the suggested moves to make it okay. DD2 arrived and DD1 literally couldn’t care less 😂 She had a look at her now and again. Was interested in how she was being fed and changed … but in general she just got on with her happy little life 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know. It's breathtaking in its arrogance.

OP you're suggesting that your lifestyle is a choice. It is not a choice available to the majority of women.

My DH and I both worked.
Equally, we shared the care of our four children. He was as capable of bathing them and putting them to bed as I was. We also shared the housework.

We're retired now. We still do half of the housework each.

I agree 100%

We are poor but my DDs benefited from a beautiful relationship with their dad who was hands on from the minute they left the womb. He’d do nappies, nighttimes, play dolls, nail varnish, take them to dance class, camping, learning to drive, 2am nightclub pick ups… you name it, he was there! Their biggest cheerleader and support. And still is even though they’re young adults now. They love him and talk and confide to him as much as me.

I feel sorry for these children. The ‘mundane’ is where the love and lifelong relationship happens!

I absolutely disagree. Im absolutely not suggesting you neglect the baby, or ignore them for hours or even minutes.

Just that if they are both crying, pausing to give your toddler your attention to settle them will make them realise they aren't being replaced. The baby wont know if they waited 4mins or 6mins.

You sound so lovely OP.

you'll be fine as will your daughter. My boy was 2y 4m when his sister arrives and there's been no jealousy. He adores her and they play together at 2 and 4. You'll find your own way. Best of luck.

I'm not going to comment on you not sending her to nursery, that's totally your choice. What I will say is that you really need to tackle her behaviour now, as an absolute priority. If she screams because you won't feed her then let her scream, for as long as it takes. Tell her when she's calm that you will no longer be feeding her and that screaming will not change your mind. Do NOT give in, it will take a while to undo because she's used to just screaming and you doing whatever she wants so it's going to take a while to get her out of that habit but you really need to get it sorted before baby comes along. Be prepared for it to be extremely hard going for the next few weeks.

Also saying things like "when you're finished your dinner we can go and play Lego/colour/snuggle on the sofa" so she knows she's still going to get the attention from you but in a different way.

You can teach her that she will be the "big sister" and let her do small things to help out, like folding flannels or fetching soft toys/ nappies to help you.

I promise it will be 100% okay.

My DD screamed at 3 yrs old. She did it every day for 90 mins. I thought I was going to lose my mind. In the end the thing that stopped it (she did it for 9 months) was me pretending not to notice, getting on with other things. When she didn't get a reaction she stopped cold.

Yep, this. Don’t wait until the baby is here. Start laying the groundwork now. DH doing bedtime sometimes, spending more time apart from you, etc. Nursery is a great idea as she will make friends and grow in independence, and you’ll get a breather and some time exclusively with your newborn.

Going against the grain here slightly, with the eating I’d just help. She probably wants to feel like a baby again, because she isn’t going to be the baby anymore and there will be a new one. Can’t you just help her, knowing eventually she will grow out of it and probably will happen sooner than you think? Is it actually a problem, or just perceived to be a problem by everybody?

I had 2 under 2 both at home with me and it was hard but no where near as bad as I thought it would be. Lots of love to the oldest one, accepting that one will be crying a lot and waiting but it’s teaching them to wait, that other people have needs to and that mummy is doing her best. My kids play amazingly independently now, I think it did them good to learn to wait.

Good luck, you will all be fine x

Don’t know if this helps but my brother is 3 years younger than me and my sister 6 years younger. When my Mum was pregnant they told me they had decided to have a baby as they didn’t want me to get lonely. When I went to the hospital to meet him he had a present for me……. I was delighted to be a big sister. They made it a lot about me. Only problem was his delayed crawling/walking as he’d just point at things and I’d go get them for him….. but he can walk etc just fine now! Both times I thought the baby was to help keep me company. Also my mum involved in helping with the baby - I probably made things take longer in the end but I never felt excluded. Congratulations x

Definitely agree with this. Start getting dad to do put bedtime as early as possible so she doesn’t associate your sudden absence with the baby. There will be tricky bits and it will be the case that baby will be with you all of the time and she will have to learn to share and adjust - there are no two ways about it. She will struggle. My daughter started not wanting to come home after nursery for about a month after her brother arrived , and was very protective and jealous. But after a year things had found their groove and everyone is much more settled now.

as others have said. So many older siblings have gone through the same adjustment, it’s just something you’ll have to live through and it’s worth it to give them a sibling and to grow your family. It will be rocky along the way and you’ll have to adjust yourself, but you’ll get there . All the best to you & the fam x

Ill give you my experience. My boy was just over 2 when his sister was born. Mummas boy who had only just started nursery. He didnt really want to help, everyone gives that advice but he didnt want to get a nappy or do anything that involved her. He used to hurt her a lot. Hot wheels to the head etc. Hes gotten better and they can play a little now shes 13 months but hes still very very jealous. Doesn't like when mum or dad do anything with her instead of him. He still tries to sneakily hurt her sometimes. But he also likes having her around and will go straight to her cot in her room when hes up. She makes him laugh. Its a long process. Every kid is different and behaves differently. Copes differently. Shes older so might understand better from the beginning. My only advice is to give her small 1 on 1 slots attention throughout the day every day. Helps us.