To worry about the effect of a newborn on my 3yo

[mamariama]

I’ve got a 3-year-old daughter and we have a really lovely relationship — she’s my favourite person and this is my favourite age. We spend all our time together: playgrounds, days out, cuddles, lots of laughs. We have a nanny-housekeeper 8–2, which means I don’t cook, wash, iron or clean much and can just focus on her (and she’s very used to having my full attention, no nursery and no plans for nursery especially with a baby being due). My husband works long hours and is sometimes away overnight — she loves him, but definitely prefers me, and whether she’s ok with me leaving depends on whether she’s doing something fun (fairground rides? fine. dinner at home? asking when I’ll be back).

Now I’m pregnant with a boy (IVF, very wanted, no surprises), and while I’m excited to give her a sibling, I’m also terrified of how it’ll affect her.

First up: the birth. She’ll be with the nanny during the day and my husband at night. She’s never fallen asleep for him before, but I guess a) I can’t exactly skip the birth and b) she has to give in eventually if I’m not there, right? I’ve heard stories of kids being traumatised by mum “disappearing” to have the baby, hating the mum and refusing to see her after, but also seen those cute reels of siblings meeting for the first time — so who knows.

Then there’s the postpartum. Newborns obviously need constant feeding and holding, and I hope to breastfeed — meaning I won’t exactly be swanning off to see Frozen with my daughter anytime soon. But how do I explain that without making her resent him? “Your brother needs milk to grow” seems to put the blame on him, which I want to avoid.

And finally, I really don’t want to become the parents where the firstborn just gets handed off to dad while mum is with the baby 24/7. My husband has a month off, but still — how do we make sure she still feels like my girl, like before, and not pushed aside?

I had all these worries when I was pregnant with my second. I remember crying just before I gave birth that I had ruined their life and the mum guilt was strong. Almost 18 years later and I have loved seeing their relationship grow and they really are the best of friends.

May I ask how old they are now or until what age it wasn’t too bad for you?

It sounds like you're feeling the guilt we all feel when we have a second baby. Don't worry, it's natural, and most children have to go through it.

With regard to your daughter's tantrums - just ignore her demands. Once the baby's arrived, you won't be able to spoon-feed her anyway. She needs to learn independence.

I agree with PP who have suggested a couple of days at nursery for her.

Your husband needs to do bedtime. It's odd that your daughter is three and a half, and her dad can't put her to bed.

I've got four children @mamariama and they all get on well. They're adults now.

The eldest was 13 when the youngest was born. She was two and a half when her first brother arrived and by the time he was a year old, they were good pals.

@Isitreallysohard she absolutely CAN do it herself. I’ve omitted to say that she goes to a “club” one day per week where I leave her for 4 hours and she happily strolls in, she eats independently there, I know for a fact that no one there helps her to pee. It’s kind of like nursery but also not, I don’t want to say exactly what it is as that’ll be pretty outing along with my username and description of our circumstances.

Oh in that's case, don't give in. Can you increase the club to 2 or 3 days? I also agree with PP why isn't the dad putting her to bed?

The club you send her to sounds great, maybe just another 4 hours session a week would boost her independence skills. Maybe you could arrange some play dates with kids from there and they could play together whilst you chat away from but in sight of the kids ? I find my daughter never wants help with anything when another child she is fond of is around

Ok trying to answer the questions in bulk as some repeat.

why no nursery? Could be a cultural thing (I’m non Brit and husband is non Brit but we are from different countries originally) but for both of us personally nursery isn’t a “standard” thing to do, the way school is, it’s where kids go if their mums have to go to work and the family doesn’t have another option. Neither of us went to nursery ourselves and we firmly believe that for the child it is best to be with their primary caregiver for the first 5-7 years (but yes, we live in England, she’ll go to school). Appreciate it’s not the English view, but in the same way our culture’s opinion may seem bizarre to you, it’s bizarre for us to send a child of 3 to nursery unless I really really need to work. My husband wouldn’t react well if I suggested it and I wouldn’t react well if he did.

CAN she dress herself / eat / pee? Yes, absolutely. If she’s at her “club” or if I say to her that [fun place] might not be open by the time we get there if she doesn’t get ready fast, she will absolutely dress herself. Peeing on her own will happen 100% of the time at her “club” and about 50% of the time when she’s with me. Interestingly if we are outside the home (restaurant / playground) she will prefer to go in the cubicle on her own (and yes I check the cubicle before she goes). She’ll enter with her trousers up, pee, then pull trousers up herself. No issue anywhere in the process. Eating - she can again but chooses not to.

Will she go to a school in September? Not the September this year but next year, yes. All registered and set to go. Has been registered since birth.

How is she with other kids? Loves to play with them, makes “friends” easily, plays with kids wherever we go.

I don’t think she’d benefit from being sent away for longer and it’s not a possibility in that exact club.

yes she meets a friend most days for a play date or something like that (or meets new friends at a playground)

The situation where dad has never put her to bed needs sorting out asap. It should never have got to this stage really.

I would practise all of the things like your DH putting her to bed before baby actually comes.
And nanny taking her to some baby classes etc.

Get her books about new baby and get her excited about helping and doing stuff with you.

Also I would absolutely LOVE to have your problems if this gives any perspective you have my dream life

Don’t sweat it. Try to encourage any independence or even dependency on daddy but don’t push it.

other tips don’t be holding your new baby when big sis meets her. Ideally have baby in a cot so you can hug eldest and look at baby together. And talk lots to new baby about how they have to wait for a feed / nappy changed whilst you play / eat with big sis else all big sis hears is that she has to wait for her thing whilst baby feeds / needs nappy changed.

other than that it’s easy - new baby’s really don’t need that much attention if you master doing everything for toddler one handed whilst breastfeeding

Hey OP I have 6days off a two year gap between my DD & DS and I felt exactly the same as you are feeling now. We did get a book a few weeks prior which I think helped I didn’t think she was passing and heed of it when reading it to her but it definitely planted the seed as one day after we came home from her brother been born she was telling the story in her own words about how mummy. & daddy went to get her brother. It was We’re having a baby Campbell books. Also first time to meet her brother he gave her a present.
My daughter and I had more or less the same relationship basically 100% one to one attention everyday & night, never had a night apart (previously had no family close by) until I went to the hospital to give birth. I was terrified this was going to traumatise her or something but she was absolutely fine family explained to her mummy had to go to the doctors and would come back soon obviously she asked a million times and had a bit more of a disrupted night but that’s ok it’s for a very short period and so what if who ever is looking after had to give her extra treats, cartoons whatever keeps her happy for that time was the approach I took.
The only part I may have done differently but hey who knows if it was the right or wrong decision was I do think I should of started her a couple of mornings in nursery before baby arrived just so she would have had that bit of routine in her day, her day wouldn’t of all been consumed with seeing the new baby and she would not of been looking for the one to one attention that she was used to and not been able to get it then because new baby was here and needed to be looked after. With this I think we got very lucky as it could of went either way but thankfully she was and is great with her little brother even though every now and again you can see her giving him a side look 😂 but that is normal with any siblings I expect. The new guilt now has come into place as baby boy is now 8months and he is wanting more and more attention so trying to give them both equal is the new worry and again if I had started her in nursery sooner I would of had the one to one now for himself
now. DD is enrolled now for September and it will be hard for her to transition but I also know it will be best for her in a lot of ways. Also a sling has been a saviour.
Sorry for ravelling so much but just so you know I have worried the same as you and it all was fine. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy 😊

Oh and forgot to mention in my mass post, my husband’s work. He works in a role where he is actually away a lot. He earns very well and I am grateful, but he is away A LOT! I know what I signed up for and he is a great dad - we divide responsibilities with me handing the childcare and him the finances. When he gets home sometimes he will just eat, then work. He doesn’t have an hour or more spare to do bedtime (and it will take that long for him). Weekends - maybe, but still he isn’t always home at weekends (work) and he does need downtime.

He also needs to do some care for his child when he’s around or he’s not going to have a meaningful relationship with her. Just because he earns well doesn’t absolve him of all parenting responsibilities

How will bedtime work for your eldest once baby is born?

Erm yes the parenting needs to start from tomorrow. Your dh needs to start doing bedtimes. You need to start being a parent and dealing with her tantrums.

If you wait until you go off to have the baby, her whole world will come crashing down and she will probably resent the baby forever more , and you. Suddenly, It will be Daddy she wants and she will be very angry with you.

He is a great dad - we divide responsibilities with me handing the childcare and him the finances.

That doesn't make him a great dad.

When he gets home sometimes he will just eat, then work. He doesn’t have an hour or more spare to do bedtime.

Oh. So he really isn't a great dad, is he?

DH’s parents did it on purpose….. 😄🙄🙄 DH is bitter haha. Definitely recommend separate birthday parties!

OP get someone else to regularly put her to bed now, long before there’s a newborn in the mix, is my advice!

In your culture, who would traditionally look after the first baby when the mum has a newborn? Because that's what you need to start planning for.

So if it's traditional for mother, mother in law, older relative to come over and stay - get them in now. It sounds like money isn't an issue. If you'd use a nanny, then start leaving her with the nanny for longer periods. Make this time special for her: "you're so grown up now, you can enjoy the cafe with nanny" etc.

As for feeding the baby, that can be special time too. You can read to her, watch films, she can look after her dolls while you look after baby.

We worried about it so much too. My DS was so clingy to DW that we were expecting a disaster, really. We planned for me to do fun things with him while mummy was in the hospital. He spent a couple of days at the GPs which he absolutely loved.

We planned the introduction so carefully, got him all smart with jeans and a wee top to go see mummy at the hospital. We thought it best not to have mum holding the new baby as it would provoke a reaction, so we had her all swaddled up in the cot. We put a few haribos packs and a chocolate bar next to baby so we could say "look, your sister got you some treats!".

We worried for nothing, my son was so happy to see mum he didn't even see the baby next to her. When he did notice the baby he gave the sweetest "awwwww, hi baby" and a wee wave. It still melts my heart to watch it back.

It's a different story when he realised after a few months she wasn't going anywhere 🤣

She's nearly 2 now and my 4yo has regressed a little bit with language and clingyness, I think to compete with his sister for attention, but it's just a phase like everything else.

They are best of friends 90% of the time.

I said to my wife at the time, you are giving him something nobody else can, a sibling. You have guilt whether you give them a sibling or don't anyway so I wouldn't over think it.

Best of luck.

I know you and your daughter love each other….but kindly; get over yourself just a bit.

Your daughter is not the first kid to adore her mum. My daughter absolutely adores me, and I don’t even have a nanny housekeeper.

Every kid who has a younger sibling has been through this. She will be fine.

She'll be fine.
Presumably she knows the nanny well if you work 8-2.

Just becaue he pays for everything it doesn't mean he can opt out of parenting, it's not fair to you or your DD. My DH pays for everything (I own half of everything and we have a joint account and I spend what I want) and also does his share when he gets home. I do the majority of the house work, but he does half of the parenting. As he should as that's what is best for our DC

They’re 2 and 5. It got harder then the younger was on the move / couldn’t be contained to a play pen. But also gets lovelier as you start to see a proper relationship develop between them.