To not want MIL to “redo” our baby’s name with her priest?

[Bobcomp]

Bit of a weird one. MIL is super Catholic, we’re not religious at all. DH was raised that way but doesn’t really practise anymore. We had a low-key christening for DD (2mo) at our local church - not mega religious, just more of a naming and welcome thing really. We chose her name together - it’s a bit modern but nothing out there. MIL smiled through gritted teeth at the time but didn’t say much.

Fast forward to now - she’s apparently gone and spoken to her priest (very traditional Catholic church she still goes to), and arranged for him to do a “proper” blessing in a couple of weeks. Only she’s told us she’ll be using DD’s middle name during it, because “it’s more suitable for a Christian child” and “closer to the saints”.

She says it’s not a big deal - that it’s just a personal thing between her and God and she’s not trying to change anything officially. But it feels really off to me. She’s literally taking it upon herself to get our daughter re-blessed with a different name because she doesn’t like the one we picked.

DH thinks it’s daft but harmless - says let her crack on, it’s just her being dramatic and it’s not like it’ll go on any documents. But I feel like it’s crossing a line? Like she’s trying to override us or pretend she’s the one naming our child? I don’t want this to turn into some weird power thing where she starts calling DD by her middle name and acting like that’s her “real” name.

Also worth saying - she didn’t even tell us until it was already arranged. Just dropped it in like an FYI on Sunday after church, said we’re “welcome to come” but it’s “mainly for the family and Father Liam”.

AIBU to think this is weird as hell and not ok? Or should I just ignore it and let her have her moment? It’s messing with my head more than it probably should.

The MIL is outrageous but it's a bit bizarre that she is the one who is religious and yet you guys went for a CoE baptism?

Quite right, TheignT, and I am blaming those who take this attitude rather than the church itself on this one - though equally there's no denying that plenty in its hierarchy feel the same way and are very keen to encourage the idea that theirs is the best and most correct way

In actual fact its merely an option among many others, but then that's coming from someone who detests religious coercion no matter where it's coming from

Because they have knowledge of Catholic customs, and those customs mean something to them, and they understand them better than a non-Catholic would?

I would need a practising Jew/Muslim/whatever to explain their rites and culture too.

(And just to piss on your chips a bit more, I was raised bidenominational CoE and Catholic, until I objected to Confession - at five years old I was rather insistent that I hadn't sinned - and my parents respected that. So I bring the perspective of someone with largely agnostic parents who engaged in CoE and Catholic rites for social reasons.)

I get the sense that if MIL had said to OP “would it be ok if you came with me to mass one week and we asked the priest to bless DD?” she absolutely would have said yes. What she is unhappy about is her deciding to have, without their permission or involvement (just a you’re welcome to come if you like), a ceremony which she deems to be more valid (‘proper’) than the one already done, using a different name that she personally prefers!

OP sounds very reasonable, calm and not dramatic. Her MIL has been foolish as she almost certainly could have had a nice blessing if she asked nicely. But she went way too far and massively overstepped.

While I can conceive of the MIL's mindset, completely wedded to her faith and her Catholic traditions, that make her upset that her granddaughter has not been properly welcomed into the Catholic faith in accordance with her culture and beliefs, it is of course in law up to parents how they introduce their child to a religious faith, if any.

How old is MIL? Are there any reasons you could conceive of for entertaining her ideals? It's hardly as preposterous as PILs wanting their grandchildren to be circumcised against the parents' wishes.

"...someone with largely agnostic parents who engaged in CoE and Catholic rites for social reasons."

Always seems an awkward (and tedious) role to choose to play.

"We don't share your superstitions, we're just here to please Uncle Gordon."

No. She doesn’t get to do this. She doesn’t get to arrange anything for your baby, religious or otherwise, without your prior agreement.

Your DH needs to have your back on this completely and stand up to his Mum. He doesn’t get to say “it’s harmless” and wash his hands of it.

This is an excellent reason for having a child baptised in this day and age. No downsides at all and significant possible upsides (more choice of good schools).

So being a complete hypocrite is not a "downside" in your scheme of things?

Don’t worry babe you haven’t pissed on my chips
No knowledge of rites or cultures required to understand that MIL is way overstepping the mark. Because guess what? It ISNT the OPs culture. HTH xx

Of course you’re not being unreasonable to tell her it’s none of her business, and to back off - though really it should be your husband doing this.

Your child, your right to raise her as you see fit.

Well I don't disagree on family pressure (honestly, I imagine the Monsignor probably asked my parents not to bring me after I was an obstinate sod during First Confession), but there were two kinds of social reasons. My mum's Catholic parents made her get married in a Catholic ceremony. She was neglected by them and her first (Protestant) husband abused her, they didn't recognise that marriage. She didn't exactly have a great life, so one can forgive her being a bit messed up.

But latterly she and my dad have engaged with the CoE, because it is simply how the social life of a small, rural community is organised. Very Vicar of Dibley - animal services, events for the kids, Harvest festival etc. Joining choir and helping organise these events is just the normal way to socialise.

I think it also underlines the fact that this doesn’t really have much to do with the MIL being Catholic but more to do with her being absolutely batshit and controlling.

Your post doesn't help anything I didn't already understand perfectly well. Unlike the lovely and informative posters who've shared knowledge of their religion and culture whilst ALSO objecting to the MIL's actions.

Some people like to learn. Others...

Weird af. Nope.

I haven't read the whole thread but I have read all the OP's updates. I'm really glad to hear that the Catholic priest seems to be onside. The idea of holding a ceremony, possibly a re-baptism, using a different name, is offensive to you as parents who have expressed clear wishes.

There is also no need even under Roman Catholic teaching for any sort of second "proper" Catholic baptism. The Catholic church recognises baptisms carried out by other Christian churches using a "Trinitarian formula" (e.g., "I baptise you in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit"), and in some circumstances considers it sinful to attempt to re-baptise someone who is already baptised, as it implies that somehow "what the Holy Spirit did in [the] first baptism was not sufficient".

Hopefully the priest will have made this clear to MIL and you'll hear no more of this nonsense. At least, until a decade or so from now when she starts wondering when your dd will be confirmed and make her first communion. 🙄

You need to nip this in the bud right now.

RTFT. Bud nipped.

Never mind, can see you handled this really well!

Yes, I've seen and posted another update

Completely out of order. She wouldn’t be seeing my child again- she is crossing a line and I wouldn’t trust her. I would be having a serious chat with your husband about what the future of your relationship looks like if he can’t respect you enough to maintain certain boundaries.

Have you spoken to Father Liam about this?
You must!
He won't know how underhand she's being or realise how upset you are poor man, and will, I'm sure, cancel the ceremony at once. All he might ask is that you postpone it until the child is old enough to make up his/her own mind, but I don't suppose he will. Find his phone number and give him a ring. NOW!

Sounds like the sort of loon that would take away your child to secretly have them circumcised if they were Jewish.

Yes she has spoken to Father Liam about this. It's in the thread. Have you only read the first post?

The OP said it was a christening so why are you saying it wasn’t? And not all christenings (baptisms) use oil.