Page 6 | To not want to help neighbour?

Whatdoidotoday · 15/07/2025 13:52

See one thing that I have never understood whenever I read threads on here is why do people expect anything when

You’re on ML and 2. You have very young children.

Is this a UK thing or MN thing? In my country if you have young kids like op, people are falling over themselves to ease your load rather than add to it. It would be a huge NO NO to ask the parent for a favour. I see this a lot as well when people are on ML, to mind relatives kids??

I remember someone tried this with me. They kept referencing how I’m a sahm and our kids are similar ages and school together and how lovely it will be for them to have lots of play dates at ours. I was so confused that someone suggested this . I said probably not because I have a toddler too and we are often very busy.
Dh was there and said I played the ‘confused and dumb’ role very well - well I genuinely was. Fair enough my older one was 8 and toddler was 1.5year but that was a lot for me, and doing any favours for anyone actually offended me!

I know this is off topic, but it amazes me that someone thinks that because op is on ML and with two young kids, she has time to do stupid things like this for anyone!

OriginalSkang · 15/07/2025 15:06

I wouldn't ask my parents to come over and water plants. Let 'em die! Its not essential maintenance.

If someone was physically incapable of bringing in their bins, I'd do it if they asked or I'd offer if I knew they were incapable.

ruethewhirl · 15/07/2025 15:42

OriginalSkang · 15/07/2025 15:06

I wouldn't ask my parents to come over and water plants. Let 'em die! Its not essential maintenance.

If someone was physically incapable of bringing in their bins, I'd do it if they asked or I'd offer if I knew they were incapable.

How strange. Why would you nurture a plant in the first place, only to let it die?

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/07/2025 15:56

"Basically my neighbour has gone back to work after being on maternity leave and has asked if I could help with the following:
Collect her bins on bin day every week.
Water her plants when I water mine (at least daily)."

I would say I'd bring the bin in off the street and onto her property, but if it involves taking it round to the back garden or somesuch, she'll have to move it round herself when she gets home. You're caring for two small children, I wouldn't want to be further from them than next door's front garden, or taking more than a minute (as wrestling it through their side gate would undoubtedly take). You could do this for her, but only if you want to.

Watering her plants - firm no. It's best for plants to not be watered in full sun, so I'd just tell her it would be better for the plants if she did them at night or in the morning before going to work anyway. If she persisted, I'd point out the length of time it takes you to do it and the amount of water you have to carry by hand in cans, and you have neither the strength nor the time to do her garden too. Firm no. If she can accept her mum doesn't have time to do this any more, she can accept that neither does her neighbour.

"I find this neighbour quite nosey and intrusive and I don’t really like talking to her as she asks such personal questions and she talks about other neighbours so now I just say hello and shut down and attempts at a conversation."
Then it shouldn't come as any surprise to her that you say no.

Caroparo52 · 15/07/2025 16:02

Hi Nosey Neighbour
Its a no from me on the bin thing and watering. Might reconsider if you can do my Asda shop. Its only usually 150 items. Okay?

Brenda34 · 15/07/2025 16:08

Plants would be a no.
Bins would be an 'I'll do it if I remember and it's convenient but I'm taking no responsibility for doing it or for the bins themselves so don't count on it happening'

Brenda34 · 15/07/2025 16:09

You don't need to give her any reasons for your decision either.

CoffeeCantata · 15/07/2025 16:10

I’d say yes to the bin and no to the watering. Watering plants with no hosepipe is tedious and tiring and it’s very cheeky of her to even ask.

if someone was regularly collecting my bins for me, though, I’d be giving them a bottle of wine once a month at least.

BadDinner · 15/07/2025 16:39

JudgeJ · 15/07/2025 10:55

Some of these comments are depressing. No wonder there is a mental health and depression crisis and people say Britain is a cold place. Regardless of her being a bit of a nosy (and every neighbourhood has at least one) A struggling single mum is a 'CF' for requesting a little help? Really? That's a disgusting attitude.

As has been said, the neighbour will not stop asking the neighbour to be an unpaid help, not everything can be lumped under the usual mental health and depression banners. She's had months on maternity leave to make plans for her return to work, if her plants are so hard to manage then maybe she has fewer, taking a bin in after work really isn't difficult. Many people manage their lives without expecting the world to drop everything to service their whims.

Dear god listen to yourself.

'Many people manage their lives without expecting the world to drop everything to service their whims'

It's requesting that at the same time you bring in your bin, could you also bring mine, please?What does it cost to do that? What huge chunk of anyone's life is doing this favour? Is it up there with martyrdom?

And how does asking for that small help amount to 'not managing ones total life?' In fact is it not striving to manage one's life via networking and relying on others? Are we all little islands in the UK?

On which planet except MN is that expecting anyone to 'drop everything to service a whim' Do you know what a whim is? It's something unimportant that you just want. But bins do get stolen and indicate to chancers that no one's home for burglaries, plus getting another one from the council can be a pain. So asking a neighbour to please pull it in because you'll leave earlier than the bin men is sensible. Flowers are expensive. If you both take a hand in watering with the hose why would it be a liberty to request a sprinkle for your own (although the water meter is a factor)

Frankly I think this thread is just bonkers. I know many neighbours doing a hell of a lot more without even thinking about it for people who live near to them. Giving people lifts to school,dropping other people's kids off, doing communal gardening, keeping an eye out on other people's kids, knocking on and checking the elderly and who doesn't pull their next door neighbours bin back when they notice it's been left out without even saying a word? Let alone requesting thanks. Who just leaves it there?

Extreme individualism is a disease in the UK and the irony is it means people rely on the state more as there's no community to lean on.

Boomer55 · 15/07/2025 16:44

twistweer · 15/07/2025 00:25

Basically my neighbour has gone back to work after being on maternity leave and has asked if I could help with the following:

Collect her bins on bin day every week.
Water her plants when I water mine (at least daily).

My neighbour is a single mum and only has her mum and step dad to help who live about 15 minutes away.

I have two young children aged between 1.5 and 4.

I find this neighbour quite nosey and intrusive and I don’t really like talking to her as she asks such personal questions and she talks about other neighbours so now I just say hello and shut down and attempts at a conversation.

Whilst I was watering my plants with my watering can as I haven’t got a garden tap at the front is when she must of seen me on her Ringdoor and asked me.

I don’t really want to be expected to collect her bin every week and water her plants every day.

To be honest she started collecting my bin and we alternate in bin collecting the bins at the minute but I would prefer just to collect my own bin as otherwise when she see’s me she will just use it as an excuse to start talking about neighbours etc.

I fill my watering can about 5 times to water all my plants and I don’t want to be wasting my water and time on a neighbour I don’t even really like.

AIBU to say no?

She’s had a baby, not a heart transplant. No need for her drama. Just say no.

ruethewhirl · 15/07/2025 16:46

BadDinner · 15/07/2025 16:39

Dear god listen to yourself.

'Many people manage their lives without expecting the world to drop everything to service their whims'

It's requesting that at the same time you bring in your bin, could you also bring mine, please?What does it cost to do that? What huge chunk of anyone's life is doing this favour? Is it up there with martyrdom?

And how does asking for that small help amount to 'not managing ones total life?' In fact is it not striving to manage one's life via networking and relying on others? Are we all little islands in the UK?

On which planet except MN is that expecting anyone to 'drop everything to service a whim' Do you know what a whim is? It's something unimportant that you just want. But bins do get stolen and indicate to chancers that no one's home for burglaries, plus getting another one from the council can be a pain. So asking a neighbour to please pull it in because you'll leave earlier than the bin men is sensible. Flowers are expensive. If you both take a hand in watering with the hose why would it be a liberty to request a sprinkle for your own (although the water meter is a factor)

Frankly I think this thread is just bonkers. I know many neighbours doing a hell of a lot more without even thinking about it for people who live near to them. Giving people lifts to school,dropping other people's kids off, doing communal gardening, keeping an eye out on other people's kids, knocking on and checking the elderly and who doesn't pull their next door neighbours bin back when they notice it's been left out without even saying a word? Let alone requesting thanks. Who just leaves it there?

Extreme individualism is a disease in the UK and the irony is it means people rely on the state more as there's no community to lean on.

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I suspect it has a lot more to do with the fact that the neighbour doesn't actually sound like the nicest person.

legalseagull · 15/07/2025 16:56

“I hate doing my own gardening so I’m not going to do someone else’s on top!”

cheeky cow. Unless she’s doing 12 hour shifts every day she can manage just like everyone else

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/07/2025 17:06

ilovesooty · 15/07/2025 07:15

Same. I wouldn't want to do the watering but I don't think the bin is any big deal. I'd probably take the bin in as a matter of course though I wouldn't necessarily want to commit to it.

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We had a very informal arrangement whenever the bins were emptied whoever got their first, bunged them back ...

As bins were emptied early and I left at 7am I would shove both ours and neighbours back...

In reality, I did them probably 90% of time.

I was called away in family emergency... Returned to a shirty note through door...

How 'irresponsible' I was being for not letting her know I was away.... 🙄

No good deed and all that...

So she thought our shared arrangement was actually 'my' responsibility and expected advance warning for my non-performance...
FFS...

That stopped immediately... As she'd moved the bins precisely once in a year long period...

FourLove · 15/07/2025 18:14

twistweer · 15/07/2025 10:05

She asked me as as I was watering my own plants, she had just got back from holiday and her plants were in a bad state apparently.
She had asked another neighbour to water them but the neighbour hasn’t watered them.

I do have a DP but he works away in the week.

My neighbour gets a lot of help, her mum is the one who planted her plants, mowed her lawn, deadheads the flowers etc but apparently her mum hasn’t got the time anymore.
My neighbour hates gardening.

Im not knocking her but I don’t get any help of anyone and I still manage to plant my own flowers, water my plants, mow my lawn etc and this is with 2 young children.

I also work part time as well from home.

I don’t mind getting bins but I don’t want it to be expected every week as now she is back at work she is worried someone will run of with her bins as it happened to her before.

I think that if you notice her bin is out and it's convenient to bring it back with yours, there's no harm in doing that (and hopefully she would do the same for you if you were out or on holiday etc), but don't feel you have to do it every time.

Laura95167 · 15/07/2025 18:20

If youd had hose i might have done her plants but not with a can.

Again if I was taking in my bin I might bring hers or if she put them both out I might bring both in.

But I think shes a CF and id just say no, you have little kids of your own you need to supervise

MoHub · 15/07/2025 19:27

I'd dig up her plants, leave them by her back door and fill her bin full of water. Then say sorry I got confused

OriginalSkang · 17/07/2025 11:29

ruethewhirl · 15/07/2025 15:42

How strange. Why would you nurture a plant in the first place, only to let it die?

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I think you're missing the point. I'm an avid gardener and house plant gardener. I would just never be so entitled as to ask my parents to come over to my house daily to do my housework just because I'd had a baby. I'm shocked anyone would. My parents helped me loads with my baby when she was born. I had terrible post natal anxiety and did need a lot of support. I'm grateful for that. I wouldn't ask them to come over and water plants just because I'm going back to work though!

"Please take an hour out of your day each day I work, just do my house looks nicer"... anyone who asks that of their parents really is taking the piss.

If they offered, that's a different matter.

The OP didn't offer and barely knows this woman and doesn't like her.

Moveoverdarlin · 17/07/2025 11:33

It’s tough to be honest if you like the person, or work with them or at some point need them but with people I don’t like I find it very easy to say ‘Sorry Jane, I’m up to my eyes with my own chores what with two little ones, can’t take on more. Ha! Ha!’

Steelworks · 17/07/2025 11:51

Your neighbour hating gardening is not your problem to solve. She can employ a gardener.

Empress13 · 17/07/2025 11:53

Definitely has an agenda will be other jobs next including as pp said childcare! If her parents only live 15 mins away she can get them to do it

ruethewhirl · 17/07/2025 12:32

OriginalSkang · 17/07/2025 11:29

I think you're missing the point. I'm an avid gardener and house plant gardener. I would just never be so entitled as to ask my parents to come over to my house daily to do my housework just because I'd had a baby. I'm shocked anyone would. My parents helped me loads with my baby when she was born. I had terrible post natal anxiety and did need a lot of support. I'm grateful for that. I wouldn't ask them to come over and water plants just because I'm going back to work though!

"Please take an hour out of your day each day I work, just do my house looks nicer"... anyone who asks that of their parents really is taking the piss.

If they offered, that's a different matter.

The OP didn't offer and barely knows this woman and doesn't like her.

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Yeah, I get that, 'Let 'em die' just seemed like a strange statement in the context.

Ilovemyshed · 17/07/2025 13:17

How has she asked? If face to face just say no. If by text or whatsapp just ignore!

AlexiaH · 10/08/2025 11:07

No, just say No to her. I would hate this too. It’s a way for her to suck you into “being her friend” and she sounds like she needs to focus on getting herself together and stop being nosey and a gossip. I would too when the situation presents tell her….that the nosey questions and chit chat gossip about others “isn’t your thing” she’ll get the hint.

AlexiaH · 10/08/2025 11:09

Exactly she had a baby, her life choice. Her plants her choice. We don’t know her situation BUT she’s a single parent trying to get others to carry her.