Friend simply won't stop messaging!

[smmontana]

Hi all. Looking for some advice. My husband died at the end of 2023, but due to complexities and legal issues, I am still dealing with his estate. Initially, it was largely due to COVID delays that meant paperwork was backed up by certain jurisdictions/appropriate parties. Things are now moving apace, but because he was a dual citizen, I’m dealing with admin issues/tax issues in two countries as well as properties etc…

Anyway, that was just a bit of ‘background’.

I have a friend who I’ve explained to that I’m quite burnt out due to all the things going on in my life.

However, he keeps texting me about 8 times a day (on average)… and will not stop.

I feel pathetic typing such a post like this as it feels a bit lame and very ‘high school’. At one point, I had 58 unread messages in a week. I then had another 37 unread messages in the next 5 days. Now I have 8 unread messages.

I explained politely that I had a lot on and that I was abroad/busy/dealing with a lot of trauma (my husband died unexpectedly). He has continued to text me very banal stuff. Stuff about his breakfast, lunch, dinner, trips, house, Summer, travels, cat etc… I appreciate the check-ins - but also said I couldn’t read/respond to everything right now. I have only responded when I've been in the headspace to do so.

Losing my husband taught me a lot about the finality and fragility of life and I’m genuinely not someone that has conflict with anyone, but I’ve found myself getting increasingly agitated every time I see a message from him - especially given that I have asked for space and said I was busy. I also said that I would respond once I had more time/was in a better headspace and even better time zone.

I muted any notifications/messages and told him so too. But that didn’t deter him. He then started sending me silly videos on Instagram (daily), which I rarely use. I’m not a ‘social media savvy’ person. He then emailed me. The last message I have asked: ‘Are you back yet?’ I know this as despite muting and turning notifications off, he still texts daily. I really don’t want any bad blood with him - and I really am aware of how much my life has changed since my DH died. I know grief is a process - and unfortunately, I don’t feel like I’ve ‘fully grieved’ as yet, if that makes sense. I don’t think I could be clearer in my stating I needed space, but I am getting increasingly riled up in feeling that my ask hasn’t been respected. To be clear, I’ve always asked if he is ok/needs anything etc… but everything (according to him) is great on his side.

I know I’m going to get a lot of responses saying: ‘Grow up! BLOCK!’ and/or people saying I’m a ‘wuss’ or a bit ‘pathetic’. I value this person’s friendship, but this behaviour is becoming increasingly unhinged and I hate to use this term - but it’s giving me the ‘ick’.

Any advice? Please be kind in responses as I’m going through it right now.

I agree, it reminds me of two different exes of mine in my 20s when they were (separately) trying to persuade me to get back together .. the obstinacy of keeping asking and trying to persuade me was so bizarre, like if I'd relented why would you be happy to be with someone who'd been persuaded and browbeaten into it?! (Because they only cared about their own needs). Absolutely zero self awareness or empathy. Like your 'friend'. Not a friend. At best, he's completely clueless, ignorant and inappropriate. At worst, he's exploiting your vulnerability. I suspect it's the former, not the latter, but either way he's making things worse, not better. You need to be crystal clear that you want to be left alone. Don't say you're struggling because he'll interpret that as you needing his attention.

I wouldn't encourage him at all. No phone calls, no msges, nothing.

Wise up - this man is after your inheritance - he has you earmarked as a vulnerable, wealthy widow and he is bombarding you to wear you down.

This man is not your friend - true friends do not behave like this. He has become a stalker and is continuing to trample over your boundaries. As others have said, send him a final ‘cease and desist’ message and then block him on all platforms.

If he continues to contact you - ie by post or turning up on your doorstep - then you need to contact the police. Tell a couple of trusted friends what has been going on - don’t keep this to yourself, and perhaps tell the police anyway.

He sounds fucking unhinged, tell him it’s too much and see how he reacts.

I dont agree that he’s going after OP because she’s a wealthy widow, theyve obviously been friends for a long time. I do agree though that he thinks he’s got his foot in the door and every message is an attempt to hold that door open.

maybe he’s always had a soft spot for OP, maybe he envied the relationship she had with her husband and would now like to grab that opportunity/relationship for himself.

Either way he’s not being your friend right now OP and is not listening to you at all, make a note of his number and then block him. Message him in a year…….

I've seen this before @smmontana, male friends who've wanted to be more, his relentless messages are his way of trying to make sure you don't forget him. Basically when you're ready for another relationship he wants to make sure he's first in line.
I'd message him just once more and say you're not just busy, you're trying to grieve for your DH and he's making your life worse, not better, and destroying your friendship. Tell him his messages are unwelcome and you won't be reading any of them so he may as well stop.
I'm sorry he's been a valued friend until now Op but there are some men you can only be friends with when you're happily committed to someone else. I'm sorry for your loss

He’s either after your money or a relationship with you. Either way, his behaviour is unacceptable and stalkerish and you need to put a stop to it or contact the police.

I agree with the above. You've tried being nice and its been completely ignored. He didn't get the message. The only route now is plain speaking that cannot be misinterpreted. No big apologies, no explaining of your circumstances ( that will only encourage more enquiries about whether this has improved). Send a very clear short message saying that the continuous volume of messages, when you've said you don't want that, is making you extremely uncomfortable and you are asking him once again to please stop. Don't dress it up with how are you's etc. It will feel rude, but its not being rude to be polite but clear.

I think saying you love or value him as a friend, or you'll contact him in due course etc.. to make it feel like less of a blow, is really just going to encourage him to continue and possibly to turn up at your house to plead with you in person.

You have to think of yourself in these circumstances. He isn't.
He is ignoring your wishes, pestering you and that is not just simply misguided. It is just harassment. His behaviour has crossed a line and you are not being mean to ensure that you don't have to put up with it. What an awful time in your life for someone who claimed to be a friend to treat you like this. You don't need this harrassment weighing you down at the moment.

Also. Tell your friends, so they know what is going on.

OP I had something similar when my DH died. A good friend of his was behaving in much the same way. It started with him kind of taking me under his wing so to speak. There were little acts of kindness and then he just kept popping up - phone calls several times a day, text messages, turning up unannounced. I did try to tell him kindly that it was too much and that I needed space to grieve and to take stock of what my life would be. It didn’t stop him and it was only when another of my DH’s friends intervened that I realised his intentions. The other friend had overheard him talking about how he was going to ‘step in’ when I was ready for another relationship, and it was clear he wasn’t expecting no for an answer. I cut it dead, and to be honest I think if your friend is the same way eventually this is what you will have to do too.

Block him and tell him you’re not using social media or messenger right now.
Im so sorry, my first thought is he trying to fill your husband’s shoes.
Very self centred of him.
Take all the time you need, it’s not about him.

I'd print out/save/archive his messages in case it ever goes further then block him on everything.

Honestly - just block him!

You are not pathetic at all, we are conditioned to be polite even when it hurts us. So sorry for your loss. Just a thought - does this guy think a relationship with you is a possibility now? That could be why he has upped the messaging to what seems a ridiculous level.

I’m so sorry for your loss and that you are being treated this way during such a difficult time.

This is not the behaviour of a friend. His actions are deeply concerning and I would be speaking to family and friends in real life and also reporting him to the police. Continuing contact after you’ve asked him to stop is likely to constitute a criminal offence of harassment. I hope they don’t but things could escalate further and I would want the police to be aware as early as possible.

Whatever friendship may have existed in the past, that friendship no longer exists due to his actions. Please don’t prioritise his feelings or desires over your right to feel and be psychologically and physically safe. You owe him nothing at this point.

I wish you the best and hope this gets resolved xxx

You are clearly a very nice person but I do think he's left you no other option now and you're going to have to stop being nice to him.

He isn't treating you kindly. He's ignoring your requests and trampling all over your boundaries. He may have been a good friend to you in the past but that's no longer the case. He's harassing you.

I can't imagine someone sending over 50 messages to a person that wasn't replying. It is so utterly bizarre and self important to send someone a stream of consciousness and have a one sided conversation with no input from the other person. Why on earth would you care what he'd eaten for breakfast? The man is an idiot!

He's treating you like his personal journal, a vessel into which he can pour whatever banal thing he thinks is worth saying and he clearly doesn't care that it is upsetting and overwhelming for you. I cannot see what he is bringing to your life other than stress and upset.

My immediate thought, like others is that he has designs on you. It really is the most likely explanation if his behaviour changed after your DH died.

Unfortunately I do think this friendship is over. He has killed it. I would therefore send him one final message and block him. If you feel bad about doing so tell yourself it doesn't have to be forever but I suspect you will feel much calmer without fielding his constant messages. Don't promise you'll be back in touch, don't enter into a conversation but just keep it simple.

"John, as you know this is a difficult time for me and I have a lot on my plate. I'm stepping back from all non-essential communications for now so I can focus on my own wellbeing. I'm sure that you understand."

Then block.

I'm so sorry for your loss of your DH. I can't imagine what you are going through even now.

I do know that you don't need this hassle. You don't need to even try to understand why he is persisting with it and has chosen to ignore your requests,

You've received some great responses above. Pick any one that resonates. Send it and then block with finality. You mentioned you tried before, but each time you engage, in whatever form, it is giving him a reward and encouragement to try just one more time. It is not working for you.

I expect you are feeling guilty about knocking him back due to the support he gave you in the past. There's no need to be. You've given him warnings and he has ignored. Blocking will be a consequence of not respecting your wishes.

You are not responsible for his feelings.

You have enough to deal with.

He is way over the top with the number of messages and relentless seeking of your attention. This is much more than friendship or concern for a bereaved friend.

You can make it stop - but will probably have to be very clear and very firm. Even then - total blocking might be necessary.

Have you read the re-imagined version of The Twelve Days of Christmas? It is written from the point of view of the object of affection. (Someone in your position?)
It starts :
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes

December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes

It ends:

December 24th
Listen Idiot:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
*
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-Merry Christmas

His bombardments are designed to grind you down. If they weren’t, then he’d either 1) not be doing it in the first place or 2) have respected your wishes and toned it all down massively. Coupled with the fact he wasn’t like this when DH was alive, I’m pretty sure what his motive is. He believes you’re ‘available’ to him now and that he is entitled to take up this much space in your life. He is not a good man. Block.

It sounds to me as if he's trying to get with you OP.

I would continue to ignore him and block if necessary, I don't think it's friendship that's on his mind.

ooh that's a good one. So he won't feel it's about him so hopefully won't get incensed or increase his efforts in protest. And if he's blocked anyhow he can't. Unless he buys another phone.

You need time, OP to heal and space to sort out the tax, admin, probate etc for your late husband.....I am also sorry for ypur loss.

So, your friend needs to respect your need for space and as he's not getting the message so, you could either tell him in a txt, speak to him by phone or block him.

Time to block this person. Verging on a stalker or unhinged

Dear Fred, whilst I really appreciated your support and kindness in those tremendously difficult early days after DH passed I am afraid things have rather changed. I am up to my eyeballs in extremely complex admin and, whilst I am dealing ok with it all, I simply do not have the bandwidth to cope with your incessant messaging. 57 since the weekend!! 82 last week!! I have asked you to tone it down but perhaps I wasn’t clear enough. You will have to stop messaging me so much. If you continue to contact me at anywhere near this level, I will block you everywhere. Please respect my request. My best friend in the world, Susan, checks in on my about once a fortnight and this feels about right for someone who I am very close to so you can see why 20+ in a day has left me feeling besieged. Yours, OP

This sounds exhausting and incredibly stressful.

Why does he think it's ok to keep violating your boundaries? Imagine someone continuously slapping/poking/tickling you when you'd told them you don't like it and you want them to stop. You'd be bloody angry and within your rights to walk away from them and probably get a restraining order. This is no different. He's bordering on stalker-territory.

Dear Fred. Piss off. Kind regards.

This was my first thought!