Family problems making me want to move

[Pineapple1826]

Had some family tensions come up over the past few years. Basically stems from the fact that my husbands parents decided to move to our area. I didn’t feel comfortable with it and said to my husband why. He was in agreement and hinted to them that they find an alternative location. They didn’t get the hint, and we then more overtly said we weren’t comfortable with the idea but before we knew it they had found a place near us, and moved in.

Since then there has been tension in the family. They clearly had an image of how things would be and the level of involvement/support they would get. They have expressed disappointment in how things have turned out.

It seems like they cannot accept now or for the future that I didn’t want such close involvement and that for as long as they are near us, that expectation will remain for how they wished/continue to hope things turn out. They are getting older with some health issues and I fear that the incompatible expectations will create more tension in time to come.

I feel bad for them, but also like it’s my right to have a preference for levels of family involvement and that it’s mine and my husbands decision how much we let them into our and our kids lives, not their decision!! And that by moving they’ve almost imposed that on us, without saying a word! They seem to stay at home all the time and it feels like they are just waiting for visits, with no connections or friends around.

I start thinking about whether it could be good to move away from this uncomfortable situation, but my husband says it will affect his relationship with his siblings, which obviously I don’t want to be responsible for.

Any views from others would be welcome. Anyone have past experiences of such issues. What worked and didn’t work?

Firstly, YABU thinking you had any right to tell them not to move to where you live. You don't get to decide who lives in your town/village/city and it was downright rude to tell them outright. You sound very immature in that regard and as if it is you who is the one mostly who objected to it. On the other hand YANBU about how involved they are in your lives, how much you see them or expected to help. Do they put more expectation on your husband than his siblings? Do they have health issues that is affecting their needs? It sounds like they had a very different view and expectation about living close to you and you seem very affected by it which gives a question to have you not got along with them in the past. Your husband and his siblings should have a family talk together about their health and care needs and getting something planned like Power of attorney for health and money. Obviously you have children and they come first and the in laws shouldn't be sat at home waiting for visits or you and your husband to be their sole support/visitors. It seems extreme to move away though. Are they popping over unannounced? Gently encourage them to make friends, join some group etc in the area. I think moving is not the answer, but your husband and his siblings ought to discuss with their parents about their needs and have a plan.

@OneBlossomBee i agree it’s not right to be saying to people where they can/cant live. But it was an uncomfortable position to be put in, in the first place. They were aware that we weren’t comfortable with it and pushed forward anyway. Bottom line is that it worked for them and how we felt about it (or how we thought it could affect us in future) was irrelevant.

Definutely are more expectations on us than other family, because of their decision to be close to us and far from other family. Difficult because it’s all unsaid pressures, but we sense it with off hand comments and their decisions. Pushing back creates tension. So either we push back with tension or go along with their expectations to avoid any conflict/tensions. Seems wrong to me.

no unannounced visits because I pushed back on that, but again, creates unpleasant feeling.

Husbands siblings say they will help but reality is that they have busy lives and when it comes down to it, it doesn’t really come to light. For example, his sibling said they’d be up once a month to visit the parents but turns out they’ve been once this year.

I think moving is an extreme answer, however given what you have written, it seems the PIL have not responded to hints or even adjusted to the reality of the level of contact between you. You can assume then that they won’t suddenly have an epiphany where they do realise and adjust, and you can also probably assume that their displeasure is likely to increase as they get old and require more help (assuming you are also unwilling to provide the level of help they expect at that time).

So yes, I would look at moving. But make it a positive move TO something, not moving away. Look at places with better job opportunities for you and DH, or better school or social opportunities for the children. Or a move for a different life - to the ocean for an outdoors/beach life, to a bigger city for the opportunities, or to a smaller town for the safety/village feel. Perhaps even a place half way between your parents and PIL, so it is fair.

I think this is important, as then the move is, and can be sold to PIL and siblings, for those reasons, not ‘moving away’. Crucially then there should be no fall out from DH’s siblings, as they can’t begrudge him moving for an opportunity.

Finally, if you are going to do it, don’t rush, but do it well before PIL need ANY kind of care or assistance. Once they do - even for something temporary like a slip or fall - you’ll be stuck and never change the narrative that you are leaving them in the lurch and are letting them and siblings down.

@3LemonsAndLime Totally agree with you, though the difficulty is that our current location is perfect for friends and jobs!! In laws had worked out that we wouldn’t want to move from here. Hence why they decided to come nearby.

YABU thinking you had any right to tell them not to move to where you live. You don't get to decide who lives in your town/village/city and it was downright rude to tell them outright.

Utterly disagree with you here in OP's situation. They clearly moved there not for the area itself, but with the expectation that OP and her DH would behave in a certain way.

There was a complete lack of communication all round and it sounds like a mess.

You only make a passing reference to your dh's preferences and none at all of your children's. It all seems very dramatic and fragile to be carrying on about your pil living nearby - presumably they aren't neighbours or on your street?

I would be pissed off if my in laws suddenly decided to move to our town and expected things from me and DH, without communicating with us beforehand.

I don't think that's an unreasonable reaction at all.

They were/are lining you up as their carer, OP. I would move before you get put in an impossible situation. I wonder if your DH realised what they were up to.

Are your DH siblings nearby, or do they live further away? If so, they probably won’t be able to help too much in the future.

Do his siblings live nearby too?
I understand how you feel. I wouldn’t like it either. Although realistically you could never tell them not to have moved near you, I would be really annoyed myself. There is something very invading about building a life for yourself and then family members with high expectations inserting themselves into it without giving you a choice.

@Lkhhhhfgyggghg @Iloveacurry one of his siblings is moving near shortly. He is nice but also sadly suffers from mental health issues. Fine when he’s coping but if there’s a trigger he begins to need help. He’s seemed fixated on coming to live near us for some time. Other sibling is 4 hrs away.

You could end up being expected to care for the lot of them including the brother!
I think in your shoes I would consider moving. How old are your children?

@ShoeeMcfee and if we were to stay put and boundaries. Do you think it would become impossible also? My feeling is that it would be come very difficult and cause tensions in the family if we’re seen to not be helping them when they need it.

@Lkhhhhfgyggghg a few months old and 3 yrs old. Still v young.

I also worry about moving where my husband says it will affect this relationship with his siblings. I find that difficult and I don’t want to cause upset to him.

I think this is a bit of a swings and roundabouts thing. Yes you are more aware of them being close now, but when your in laws do need more help your husband won't be driving a long way away to help them but will be able to make short visits and not be away from you and your kids for too long.

We have had to do it both ways. My dh used to have to go off at short notice to his elderly parent who lived two hours away. He'd be away from me and the kids for ages, sometimes for days at a time, whereas I could pop round to my local elderly parents in 15 minutes and be home an hour later. Even if I sometimes had to go back again the same day, I'd have been at home as normal in between. Them being local made it so much easier, and less stressful, both for me doing the visiting and for my dh having to do everything else with the kids and work while I was gone.

I think unless you move so far away (to another continent?) that there would be no expectation at all on your husband ever to help his parents at short notice with problems as they age, then all you might be doing by moving is increasing the travel time and stress when he ends up having to help them anyway.

If I could wave a magic wand and move dh's remaining elderly relative to our town right now, I would. Even though she's never liked me and we don't get on, I know her being local would make life so much easier when she inevitably needs a bit of help from him. I do mean local not in our house, by the way - you can be too close - just in the same town would be good and make life so much easier.

Oh I see - the whole of DHs family is lining him up (and of course we all know that really means you) to be carer, as someone above said not just for you but it looks like there's someone else from DH's side who is going to need help, too.

I would move.

I say this as someone who became a carer to my own parent for several years.

DH is worried that he will fall out with his siblings, so he wants you to do the feeding and arse wiping so he has a 'good' relationship with his siblings.( Sorry, but it may well come to this.) Your DH doesn't seem to worry about upsetting you. All the signs are there, OP.

Definitely move. These family dynamics stink.

@ShoeeMcfee thanks so much for your view. Though they can’t force me to do it. Essentially they can lay on the pressure for me to do it, but ultimately it’s my choice. But then is it easier to avoid all this by moving like you say.

I’m an only child and I do struggle to see how it would impact his sibling relationships. I’ve just never experienced such things myself. He seems to say that it will come across that we’ve moved because we don’t want to be near them and that will cause tensions with his siblings as it will be coming across like we’re difficult or obstructive.

You sound like you never liked his family in the first place.

How did you get on with them to start with?

@RampantIvy things were positive before I had children and before they moved. I was fairly neutral towards them but this situation has been stressful at times and consequently affected my feeling towards them. In hindsight I believe I was too open, friendly and caring and this has been taken advantage of such that I’m now in this position.

I had no reason to hold ill feeling towards them at that point.

I'd move because otherwise you will be their carer.

For so many families this defaults to the woman and your husband's family won't be seen for dust (but they'll have time to criticise you).

They are all being selfish, your husband included.

@DisforDarkChocolate why do you say my husband is being selfish? He was as much put in this position as I was. But he doesn’t want to have a negative relationship with his family or siblings. For me, I’m more wanting to detach as it’s been extremely unpleasant behavior to be on the receiving end of. But it’s, of course, different for him. He feels he will be isolated from his family for pulling back by moving away.

I'd be very reluctant to move due to costs BUT also very reluctant to stay due the implications of arse wiping and running g around dealing with BILs mental health crisises.

What makes it REALLY difficult is if you do what you should which is say "fuck this for a game of soldiers" you risk a LC/NC situation with his family and all of a sudden you are the villian in this terrible tale... not the inlaws or your husband 🙄

Fyi your husband has IMO handled this abysmally and "failed" you and your children by not effectively tackling it pre move.
Its actually your DHs problem which he let become yours by his failure to handle.his business.
Its not you posting online trying to solve this....not him.

Because when you and he are running errands / doing hospital apps / paperwork blah blah blah it takes away from you but it also takes away from your kids.

With that in mind id have a 3 pronged strategy.

1. Sit down with DH and ask him what life will really look like for you in a decade? How does HE see it unfolding? And I'd be challenging any fanciful happy endings he presents
2. Decide if what you've got now is worth clinging to or you should cut loose and abandoned ship (only you know the realities of this) I'd make this decision solo not with your DH
3. If you decide to move (most.likely outcome imo) do with necessaries and start the process quietly. If you want to stay be very clear on what you need to do yourself and what you need your dh to do. And I'd be prepared to revisit.

If you think you want to move its going to be much better for everyone to do it now while kids are small / not in school.

You have every right to choose how much involvement you want with them, their expectations are their problem. If your H is worried about putting his boundaries down, then let him deal with their expectations and deal with them. It’s his siblings he is worried about falling out with if he doesn’t cater to his parents needs, his problems!
You tell your H that it’s all too much for you, it’s making you feel like moving away, that your priority is your children and he has to deal with his parents alone.