Family problems making me want to move

[Pineapple1826]

Had some family tensions come up over the past few years. Basically stems from the fact that my husbands parents decided to move to our area. I didn’t feel comfortable with it and said to my husband why. He was in agreement and hinted to them that they find an alternative location. They didn’t get the hint, and we then more overtly said we weren’t comfortable with the idea but before we knew it they had found a place near us, and moved in.

Since then there has been tension in the family. They clearly had an image of how things would be and the level of involvement/support they would get. They have expressed disappointment in how things have turned out.

It seems like they cannot accept now or for the future that I didn’t want such close involvement and that for as long as they are near us, that expectation will remain for how they wished/continue to hope things turn out. They are getting older with some health issues and I fear that the incompatible expectations will create more tension in time to come.

I feel bad for them, but also like it’s my right to have a preference for levels of family involvement and that it’s mine and my husbands decision how much we let them into our and our kids lives, not their decision!! And that by moving they’ve almost imposed that on us, without saying a word! They seem to stay at home all the time and it feels like they are just waiting for visits, with no connections or friends around.

I start thinking about whether it could be good to move away from this uncomfortable situation, but my husband says it will affect his relationship with his siblings, which obviously I don’t want to be responsible for.

Any views from others would be welcome. Anyone have past experiences of such issues. What worked and didn’t work?

OP, even the nicest of husbands can quietly line up their wives to look after their parents and be stunned when the push back is non negotiable.

I have seen it many times with friends and even they were surprised at their lovely husbands thinking they would be happy to help out.

Even though their husbands had never been troubled by their families.

My friends said absolutely not happening.
None of them were close and where there were only sons, they were told to get organised as it was nothing to do with their wives.

With careers and young children, looking after their own birth families, they were certainly not taking on the load with the in laws.

You are being lined up by your in laws and probably your BIL.

Your husband doesn't sound as if he has much loyalty to you, so you need to be very firm on this.
His family, his issue.
But you have no wish to be involved.
That IS your choice to make.

This can bring tensions to a relationship.
A decade ago my childless friend was moving house and quite by accident learnt that her husband had told his sister that his aging mother might move in with them into their new house, and they might convert the large detached garage for her.

He hadn't mentioned this to his wife! It explained how excited he was about the garage though.
They were taking on a much larger morgage buying this house, using a large inheritance of hers.
With this information she told him she had changed her mind and she didn't want to move.
He was very upset and things became very tense.

She never let on that she knew about his mother.
She got legal advice and was told not to put her inheritance into a marital asset.
As soon as she received it she invested wisely.
Within 12 months they had separated.
She no longer trusted him.
They sold their house and went their separate ways, despite him wanting to stay together.
She absolutely felt that she was being lined up by the golden so, to mind mummy.

She has never remarried, but is in a long term relationship with a lovely guy she met in her tennis club.

I think the advice to move for a positive reason is a good one, though its awful to have to if you love where you live.

@Doorwayss that is my issue. We both really like where we live and it works for us well. Our jobs are good and I have my mum nearby. Unlike the situation with In laws, my mother helps me with childcare and general support with young children. It’s extremely helpful and I want to be there for her as she has been for me. If we move I’d want her nearby so we can help each other.

He should definitely have your back. YOU are his family, first and foremost, his wife and children come first, unless you were being extremely unfair and you are absolutely not.

Moving would definitely solve much of this. And never forget, if your husband has so little loyalty to you now there's no reason to think he'll step in when they try to make you shoulder his and his siblings' responsibilities. As the comment above says, you are being lined up for this.

I'd move, and fast.

@savagedaughter seems everyone is advising to move! My issue is that things are good where we are, and my mum is nearby. She’s really supportive with childcare and I want to be near her in future to help her (if needed) as she has helped me.

I understand, but I think the only way to avoid constant future struggles, hassles, messages and demands is to make sure you are just not available and are too far away for anyone to just drop by or insert themselves easily in your life.

Your parents in law sound entitled and have deliberately ensured you are within their easy reach.

You said "It seems like they cannot accept now or for the future that I didn’t want such close involvement and that for as long as they are near us, that expectation will remain for how they wished/continue to hope things turn out. They are getting older with some health issues and I fear that the incompatible expectations will create more tension in time to come."

So if you don't move, what is your plan to prevent them harassing you and making your life difficult, since your husband doesn't have your back and his siblings are also on board with his pushy parents?

@savagedaughter honestly, I don’t have a plan for how to prevent them making my life difficult if we were to stay. But I do feel like I’d be betraying my mother as we’ve always stuck together. The plan really was that we were pretty settled and happy where we were when my in laws announced their move.

Can you bring your mother in on the issue, could she move too?

Perhaps she'd cheer you on for moving when she realises their plans to turn you into their gopher and carer and how much their presence is stressing you, and how little support you are getting from your dh.

The problem is, they could just follow you.

I think DH is unreasonable bringing siblings into it. Why will they be upset? Because more of the burden will fall on them?

I can see from this thread I'm unusual in that I'm used to each partner taking the primary caring responsibility for their own parents - there was absolutely no question of it being my job to care for FIL or dh's job to care for my parents.

@EveryNowAndThen That’s how it is with us too. I support my elderly Dad (I’m an only) and I won’t be getting involved when DH and his siblings need to provide more support for their parents. Luckily they don’t need much yet, although DH does a few things for them.
We’re not on bad terms with either side, we just divide and conquer!

@Pineapple1826 In your shoes, I’d honestly let your DH/siblings deal with his parents and you plan to help your Mum when she needs it. This includes seeing your children - can’t your DH take them over to their grandparents for the odd visit? Not everything has to be a joint effort.

OP, if your location and mother nearby suit you then I think your focus needs to be your husband and marriage.
Just spell it out to him that you are not going to be in any way involved with his family and if he wants to allow that to destroy his family with you and marriage, then that is on him.
Do not bend.
You have your mother and she soumds more loyal than your husband.

Fundamentally this is about you not budging one inch.
His relationship with his family is his alone.
He can bring the children to visit his parents, but you will not be involved.

Of course he wants you doing his emotional load with his parents and brother.
So what if they don't like you or are pissed off with you, who cares? You aren't going to be around them.

His brother, his issue.
Don't give them your phone number.
Keep telling your husband I have the children and my own family to support, I am not getting involved with yours.

Moving doesn't sound like it is in your best interests if you have your mum nearby.

You know you can just refuse to engage with your husband on this subject.
Don't ask about his family, don't have an opinion, no questions about them.

But be prepared that he may get quite nasty with you when he realises you are not moving an inch on this.

You need to cease to care what his family think about you at all.
It is not your business.
Focus on your boundaries with them and not moving an inch on the subject.

Just stick to fortnightly vists for a hour or two, if they complain “why dont you join the church/local volunteering to meet some new people? We are very busy unfortunately we did warn you before we moved that we wouldnt be able to come round that often.” Rinse & repeat.

Some of the replies on this thread explains the higher divorce rate, and depression between the Western world and the Eastern and African worlds …….

and then there are theads on people complaining parents don’t help with childcare …..

bonkers

I would echo those posters who say to leave this to your DH. You love your home, your own mum is near. Why would you move?

Just be clear to your DH that making time for his parents is down to him. If you find they are calling you too often, consider blocking them for periods when you don’t want to deal with them, or set up Do not Disturb. Do not let your DH’s FOG become yours too.

While you don’t want to cause a schism with your DH, do tell him that you are concerned that his parents, and brother are going to need help, which you are not going to provide. Be clear with him where your boundaries are.

It is not easy, I know. But sticking to low contact will help .

Would they have not got to a point were they could be of help? Did your DH ever put it to them that family help is a two way street? How do you manage to fit your Mum in, when you are so busy?

I would stay put, you have your mum nearby and you are settled. If you moved, there is nothing stopping your in laws moving near again.
You have to keep firm with the boundaries, you have a busy life bringing your children up and don’t allow any expectations or demands fall onto you.
They are your H family and siblings, it’s on him to deal with them, if your mum got ill, it would be you caring for her. In those circumstances, the children still need one of their parents to see to their needs.
They obviously thought they would see GC whenever they liked and have you and H running errands, continuously at there beck and call. That you would both care for them when they can’t look after themselves. When they realise that isn’t going to happen, they might decide to move closer to another adult children!

What exactly do they ask you to do and how often? Do they do anything for you?

If you moved away, not only would you lose your mums help and care with children, living near to her, your H would be vilified for abandoning his parents.
Then you have the problem of, they may decide to move, to be closer to you again.

Your H will get the backlash either way from family, they are more than happy for him to feel obligated and guilted into being their parents carer as it doesn’t fall to them.

Just because you are putting your children’s needs first, not getting roped in to please his parents or jumping when in laws click their fingers, you are still being supportive to H. Someone has to put the children first and that’s you.

@savagedaughter yes she could move too. She is aware of the situation and has been suggesting to move as well, even though it ultimately would be worse for her for the future if I go!!

@Ladybyrd its true. Given they see that they haven’t don’t anything wrong, there’s nothing stopping them doing it again. The house they bought is quite a big house (5 bed with a workshop and 3 bathrooms, so I expect that they will need to move out in time, unless of course they are able to get my husband to upkeep it for them.

@SpryCat its wishful thinking that they may go elsewhere. I think they are near me for the long term!! And my husband does still visit them with my daughter from time to time so it is still better for them from when they were hours away with no visits at all.

my concern is that my husband is visiting out of guilt/obligation and I don’t like that he’s taking my children with him and bringing them into this. Fair enough if he wants to have a catch up with parents and take GC but the obligation/guilt/fear is something my children could pick up on? And could pass onto them so that they are visiting for the same reasons in future!! @Lafufufu I think your point on the FOG was spot on and that does concern me.

@Ponoka7 I’m not really able to fit my mum in. She just provides help with childcare and appreciates that I’m really busy at this stage of my life.

its a good point, and i did think about it. But it became clear to me that my FIL and MIL wanted different things. FIL was not fussed about providing practical help (and in fact wasn’t fussed about moving) but MIL pushed the move. She was unhappy in her relationship and saw involvement with us and change of location as a way out. When I saw the complex dynamic between them I thought it would be easier for me to not be suggesting for help from them as more hassle than it would be worth. I felt like MIL was trying to draw me into siding with her on her relationship issues and I did feel bad for her, but honestly I don’t have the energy or capacity to deal with such things and my kids and husband are my priority.

You need to stay put, let your H learn for himself that he needs to speak up. He will be juggling work, home life and his parents, he will get to the point, he says to his family that he can’t keep it up. It has to come to the point, his parents decide they aren’t getting what they expected and move. They can throw shade at you all they want, but just keep up, like a broken record, that you’re too busy!

Given you have your mum nearby and you are happy with your location, I would not move. I would try to get to a dynamic of ‘supporting’ husband rather than a me vs. them dynamic by dropping the opposition to the current situation but I would have a frank conversation that it is my parents = my problem, his parents and family = his problem and make it crystal clear all care needs will be on him and his siblings, not me. Then stick to it. I would sympathise, emphasise but not do. I’d be crystal clear he chose this and if he wants it to stop, he must choose that also. I would visit them in a regular slot - maybe once every fortnight for a few hours for a catch up and then that’s it. Ideally, all communication should go directly to your husband, not you. Start to train them now. Any comms not relating to your regular slotted visit - redirect. ‘We were wondering if you have time to pop to the shops for us’. - Im not sure what the plans are - please check with DH. Let him come to the realisation himself that a change is needed and then you can work together.

There are threads about stopping wife work, read through them and get inspired! Don’t move away from your own life.

I'm not even sure I understand this thread or whatever OP is saying. What I am taking from it is that PILs moved closer to their son because they are old and need help? And OP is not happy with this for whatever reason (I don't undertand the reason, but it seems selfish). And the people here are telling her to run away.

Now, I am not British, so there might be a cultural difference here, as we generally look after our elderly parents where I come from. Yes, it's a little inconvienient, but that's the right thing to do (in my mind). I don't understand this modern Western selfishness - isn't it the main cause of solitude in the old age here? I've seen quite a few pensioners here living alone in their flats and dying alone, totally abandoned by their families (I used to live in a block of flats and witnessed this). It's just so, so sad.

I would advise OP to think about her old age and how she would feel if her children are acting like this when she is old. And finally, since they are her PILs, I would say, they are rather her DH's problem and his siblings' and not hers. I would stand back in her shoes and wouldn't whisper any negative things about them into my DH's ear - I think doing that is really horrible! It should be his decision about the level of involvement he wants to have.