Family problems making me want to move

[Pineapple1826]

Had some family tensions come up over the past few years. Basically stems from the fact that my husbands parents decided to move to our area. I didn’t feel comfortable with it and said to my husband why. He was in agreement and hinted to them that they find an alternative location. They didn’t get the hint, and we then more overtly said we weren’t comfortable with the idea but before we knew it they had found a place near us, and moved in.

Since then there has been tension in the family. They clearly had an image of how things would be and the level of involvement/support they would get. They have expressed disappointment in how things have turned out.

It seems like they cannot accept now or for the future that I didn’t want such close involvement and that for as long as they are near us, that expectation will remain for how they wished/continue to hope things turn out. They are getting older with some health issues and I fear that the incompatible expectations will create more tension in time to come.

I feel bad for them, but also like it’s my right to have a preference for levels of family involvement and that it’s mine and my husbands decision how much we let them into our and our kids lives, not their decision!! And that by moving they’ve almost imposed that on us, without saying a word! They seem to stay at home all the time and it feels like they are just waiting for visits, with no connections or friends around.

I start thinking about whether it could be good to move away from this uncomfortable situation, but my husband says it will affect his relationship with his siblings, which obviously I don’t want to be responsible for.

Any views from others would be welcome. Anyone have past experiences of such issues. What worked and didn’t work?

Society is very different to 20/30 years ago, both parents need to work to earn enough for them to live on. Mother’s are relying on family to look after their children, whilst they work or paying strangers to look after them. Mother today, are as time poor, as their father’s were when they were a child because they work full time.
People don’t have much spare time anymore and it impacts family life.

I think you sound quite harsh. Of course they want to see their GC and it’s not unreasonable to expect your family to give you the odd lift to the hospital or look after your cats.

Surely there’s a compromise?

Oh I understand op, I would hate that too. If you can’t move, then the alternative is just to be intentionally very distant. Don’t go out of your way, or even if you can do something to help just don’t do it. Make it very obvious that you want distance. Make sure they need to ask before they ‘pop’ by, get too comfortable, etc.
sounds like they are lining you up for something, so start your boundaries now.

@PussInBin20 of course there is compromise, and I was content with supporting them (to an extent) and accommodating GC visits. But, they don’t seem to want to rely on their other adult children and just us. I just wanted things to be balanced between all their children and their partners and relying on us only is something that I don’t see as right or fair.

@Whatdoidotoday I mean the deliberate keeping of distance is the way I’ve gone about this at the moment. But honestly, it feels uncomfortable to me to hold such a front up and sometimes does weigh on me as it doesn’t feel natural to have such deliberate distance from family. But, my justification for it is that me being so geographically close compared to other daughters in law does very much put me in a different position and that deliberate distance is necessary as a result.

it’s got to the point where I have such a distrust of them that there isn’t really anything they can say to change this. The only thing that may change me being so distant is if they were to move and show through their actions that they are committed to making it easier for all their children (and their partners) to be equally affected by any future needs and that they are also committed to having equal involvement with all GC.

The thing that really does bother me, even now, is that when we suggested some other locations which are slightly further away but also closer to other family, they couldn’t accept the idea of that. They said it would be too far away from other family they have elsewhere. But when I did a quick gmaps search, it turned out that there was an area of around 150 miles radius where they would have been 20 mins further from the some of the family but then closer to the majority, also being more respecting that we felt comfortable with something more equal distanced between all. But they didn’t want that, and so they decided to move to our area and then have hours away from the other side of family and 20 mins closer to extra family members and round the corner from us. Basically, our wishes for distance and balanced distances for all was less important than their wishes to be close and have 20 mins less to get to some family members whilst significantly further to get to their other children!!

@SpryCat
It does annoy me when MNers rewrite social history. Women (except for upper class women have always worked. My two grandmothers worked and had 4 plus children each (one ran a laundry and the other was a hair dresser). My mum was a teacher all her working life ( 4 kids).
I worked as a teacher until my mid sixties then worked part time. In my seventies I do three days of childcare and I have a small job at weekends.
Post war women were encouraged to give up their jobs to returning service men. However, there has never been a time when working class children didn’t work. Except on MN who remember their middle class mummies not working.
It is true that far more women give up work early to look after their own parents ( described inaccurately by one poster as wiping their arses). They then depend on their husbands to finance their early retirement. They are the same women who lug their mummies around toddler groups because their mums are their best friends.
I hate being landed with someone’s mum because their daughter doesn’t actually want to look after them but talk to other mummies instead. These mummy’s best friends, described by their daughters as ‘so lovely’ have not really worked and increasingly depend on their daughters family for care. Jilly Cooper famously said that all old people were boring and hard work unless they your old people in which case they could be described as l’an absolute treasure’.

Thanks all for your responses. Unfortunately, as much as I’d love to move away from this, I also love my home, friends and community around me. My mum encourages me to move but I can’t leave her alone. The school near us has also just had an ofsted outstanding report (previous report good) 😅 Why should I leave my home that I love because my husband hasn’t managed this situation well pre move. He will have to manage it in years to come. My MIL already asked him to be a contact for their cattery for when they go on holiday and she’s given him a key too. I’ve realized that she starts with small requests and works her way up to what she ultimately wants, and he accepts because he doesn’t like the confrontation of refusing (both with his brothers and parents).

You are right this is how it starts.

I would think long term and be prepared.

What are your boundaries? What will and won’t you do? What are your contingencies.

A Good example is gardening - could you mow the lawn whilst we are on holiday? No, but I know a really good gardening company. Here’s the contact details. Oh we forgot to organise the gardener and they are so expensive please can you mow the lawn? No. Good news I contacted another gardener and they can do it for a really good price.

Home Instead is a good organisation to have in your back pocket - they can do cleaning, personal care, cooking but also provide companionship.

A really key thing for DH to do is get Will’s and LPAs in place now. It’s never too early.

@Harassedevictee this sounds so awful and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I do sometimes wonder how we can put my IL’s off living nearby long term. I.e, if they find us boundaried and not meeting their demands, they may be forced to consider moving in between all their adult children as they are more likely to get support that way. I feel like if my husband caters to them, they will see no need to move long term, but if he doesn’t then they may reconsider long term plans. But either way, I think my MIL has made this decision for now and she’ll want to make the most out of it for the next number of years, which I believe means pushing boundaries where she can. It’s awful but I believe this is the situation she’s created.

@Pineapple1826 It is possible to put boundaries I did it. I often used the tack that paying people to do the “jobs” allows me to spend quality time with you. I actually love my parents and spending time with them, but knew I could not be their carer. My remaining parent is in a care home where they are safe, warm, well fed and cared for so I can go on holiday and not worry. When I visit I get quality time with them. Sadly money makes a huge difference, if you can afford to pay for help and care it’s much easier to do this.

A cautionary note, be very wary of them moving mid way between their DC. It is much better to be near to one DC. No matter what you have in place it is likely your DH may have to drop things and visit, one DC being 15-30 minutes away is much better than everyone being 2 hours+ away.

Are you Asian too? I think it’s quite relevant that they are. I’m wondering if this expectation of extended family involvement was a surprise to you as from what I know it’s just the norm in Asian culture.

But if you’re the family nearest while the others are hours away, can that not become quite a strain on the family? While the family who are distanced geographically can get away with doing v little?! That is my concern, and the fact that DH cant have an open conversation about it as they shut off and refuse to discuss.

@OriginalUsername2 I’m not. Definitely has been a surprise. Things are unsaid but expected. When you confront about it, everything is denied. But the behaviour continues. It’s infuriating and also quite damaging to my marriage that we have the push and pull with them, and my husband in the middle of it trying to manage in the best way.

Yes and Yes. It depends on the people involved.

This is why your DH and siblings need to plan ahead now. Agreeing boundaries so help is bought in rather than the closest providing it.

Your problem is DH not the in laws.

Adding, sorry it’s shit for you but be firm with DH he helps out not you.

The thing that bothers me about the small favours that my in laws ask of my husband is that my MIL is well aware of how I feel about her being nearby and that I was concerned about her demands/expectations when she comes near, but she still chooses to ask DH. So essentially she’s saying that she doesn’t care what I think or how I feel about it. As this works for her she will do it. The fact that he accepts to do the favours doesn’t sit right with me. It’s irrelevant to me whether they are small things to ask or larger favours. It’s the principle that I find upsetting.

If you don't firmly refuse to be carer to the parents (or the brother), but you do move, you'll just end up being the kind of carer who regularly drives an hour or three hours or whatever before doing the caring. If you're not going to do it, you have to not do it, and accept that there will be pushback and unpleasantness, and ride it out, and still not do it. Have you made it clear to DH that you're not going to do it? Is he the type to push this stuff off on the nearest woman? Or will he do it himself?

You can't upend your whole life just to avoid a few tough conversations. You're going to have to tackle the problem head-on.

@Elsvieta i don’t think he’s likely to push it onto me. I think he’s more likely to try to do it all himself and end up feeling wrecked but then that subsequently affecting me and children. His mother is persistent and she came to live near us for a reason, so she will absolutely try to make the best out of it for herself. If that affects my marriage, then I get the impression from her that she couldn’t care less, as long as her needs are met. She’s the kind of person who pushes boundaries. DH has made clear that his priority is is wife and children, and that he will want to keep distanced, but she’s still asking for favours despite this.