Family problems making me want to move

[Pineapple1826]

Had some family tensions come up over the past few years. Basically stems from the fact that my husbands parents decided to move to our area. I didn’t feel comfortable with it and said to my husband why. He was in agreement and hinted to them that they find an alternative location. They didn’t get the hint, and we then more overtly said we weren’t comfortable with the idea but before we knew it they had found a place near us, and moved in.

Since then there has been tension in the family. They clearly had an image of how things would be and the level of involvement/support they would get. They have expressed disappointment in how things have turned out.

It seems like they cannot accept now or for the future that I didn’t want such close involvement and that for as long as they are near us, that expectation will remain for how they wished/continue to hope things turn out. They are getting older with some health issues and I fear that the incompatible expectations will create more tension in time to come.

I feel bad for them, but also like it’s my right to have a preference for levels of family involvement and that it’s mine and my husbands decision how much we let them into our and our kids lives, not their decision!! And that by moving they’ve almost imposed that on us, without saying a word! They seem to stay at home all the time and it feels like they are just waiting for visits, with no connections or friends around.

I start thinking about whether it could be good to move away from this uncomfortable situation, but my husband says it will affect his relationship with his siblings, which obviously I don’t want to be responsible for.

Any views from others would be welcome. Anyone have past experiences of such issues. What worked and didn’t work?

@Lafufufu

“What makes it REALLY difficult is if you do what you should which is say "fuck this for a game of soldiers" you risk a LC/NC situation with his family and all of a sudden you are the villian in this terrible tale... not the inlaws or your husband 🙄”

It’s like you’ve seen this before.. Well I have gone NC with them for now as I got fed up. So that has already happened. I wasn’t prepared to accept their expectations without challenge. Also particularly as I could see this in time affecting my children with expectations on them too as they grow up. I felt I had to make a stand.

🤣🤣🤣

It is JUST like I have seen this before

Good for you going NC. You are damned if you do and damned if you dont.

If you are NC then you are in the clear(ish) as long as you dont get sucked back in... the danger zone is your DH because as the demands increase more and more of his time and energy will be taken up with this and will it still impacts you and drains the family unit but its even more annoying because you have no control over it!!!

Like I said difficult situation...

You knew they would cause hassle, told them you were uncomfortable with it, they chose to ignore that and did it anyway. Hope they are happy in their new neighbourhood, no reason at all why you should stay there. I'd move.

Same with your BIL, your children will not be subjected to his MH, any care expected will fall to your H. He won’t be moving in with you or children, when he gets ill. You won’t be running around taking them to appointments or looking after them if they are sick. You are a mother with young kids, they are you priority and everything will be falling on his shoulders. You don’t care what his siblings say or think, if they get so concerned with parent’s and brother’s needs, they will have to take responsibility of them.

Am I right in thinking that they expected to move near you and all of a sudden you'd be at their beck and call? Calls to pick this up and bring it to them, come and fix this and that, etc.

The reality is that you have a hound family to look after and they are your priority. I'd tell your DH he's free to help them as much as he pleases but I would make it clear that you won't be helping and that your family can't suffer because of it.

Deep down, you probably feel like you’re not supporting your H, but he is the one who is fearful of putting his boundaries down incase his siblings fall out with him. It’s him, who will be expected to care for them, you have stepped back and made it clear, you won’t be manipulated to cater to their expectations.
You can sympathise with him, when he is run ragged, it’s his choice not to want to speak up, just stay back and don’t get angry when he’s forever at their beck or call. This isn’t your monkey, not your circus.

Op how is your relationship with your own family?

@Lafufufu gosh it’s exactly like how I feel. If I make a stand then I’m in the wrong and if I don’t then I’m meeting their expectations.

I think that my husband really does need to get over his fear of creating tension with siblings by pulling back from it all and going LC or NC. They are putting so much on us as a family and it isn’t fair. The worst is that they do not actually understand or acknowledge how their actions are problematic so I worry that if we were to move the same issue could reoccur.

@Foreverhope1 I have quite a small family, but we are close and supportive of each other. Never felt dismissed or unheard and if there is an issue we tend to get it out in the open to sort.

Maybe read the thread on here about people feeling lonely now most of their family have died?

Sometimes I feel like I’d want to have had my husband go NC with me on this (rightly or wrongly), because of how dismissive their behaviour towards me and also him has been. But he doesn’t want to, and has gone low contact. I do try to respect that, as it’s a difficult situation for him too. But sometimes it does feel like the two of us standing together and consistent on that point would be more impactful.

I would move if it was what l wanted and if finances allowed. If not, then l would dig in for the long haul. Sky high boundaries, not being at their beck and call. Maybe husband rings or text them once a month? Give them zero head space or energy. Don't let them make you be their carers and make clear to professionals you aren't getting involved

Because he would rather harm your relationship than upset his siblings. The same ones who don't visit now and won't when his parents need care.

This sort of crap harms children too.

It's not clear from your posts what exactly they are expecting from you, so difficult to say whether YABU or not.

If they need support as they get older, is there any reason you and your husband wouldn't want to help them? I know Western culture is different but it is still quite common to help care for elderly parents to varying extents. Why wouldn't you / your husband?

Do they want to spend more time with your family and DC specifically? If so, why is that a negative thing?

This is dangerous tertitory because it becomes You vs Them and your dh has "to pick sides"

Ideally you want to position it so you are on your DHs team and its not a game of tug of war.

I'd honestly recommend couples therapy to help navigate it...

Rather than discuss with their adult kids what help they wanted as they got older they decided to move to your area. They want family help as they age and possible care to keep them out of a nursing home. Even now his parents are not getting involved in groups in the local area and building up their own friends group. They had to be told not to call to you unannounced.

They have shown no consideration for you or your husband. Your a married couple with 2 small kids. In reality how could you or him stop working and provide long term aged care when you have a mortgage, bills and 2 small kids to bring up?

Now you have found out that the sibling with a mental illness is planning to move to your area.

Of course they think that you and your husband are going to provide care to them all when things start to go wrong. You need to tell your husband this and tell him straight out that you both need to make plans and it now time to look for better job opportunities elsewhere. He needs to consider what best for him you and his kids now because your not going to care for his parents or become there taxi service. Nor are you going to deal with his sibling when they have a mental health crisis because you know they are planning to move to your area.

You need to fight now for what's best for you and your kids and that does not include staying in the area for elderly care and caring for a sibling with mental health problems.

One friend of mine ended up looking after her mother for weeks due a health issue a few months ago. Her mother has some cognitive decline. My friend siblings did as little as possible to help out. She told one friend in particular about this and asked their advice. This friend had cared for an elderly parent said to her change jobs and get more hours because otherwise she will be left doing a lot of care later on.
My friend is currently looking for a new job and has keeping quiet about this fact.
She will move once the right job comes up.

@Lafufufu how can I position this so that I’m on DH’s team as you say?! Surely being on their side means playing up to their high demands and expectations which I’m not prepared to do.

I agree about the sides, really isn’t what I want either, and don’t want that for DH as it will be difficult for him. Just is how I do feel when I see their behaviour.

Just be sure that if you set this boundary now, your dh will stick to it. If he's going to help them later on even if it means driving hours back from wherever you move to, then think about whether moving actually helps you.

In other words, if you're going to say no you will not be available to help, then don't be available to help - ever. Otherwise you could end up with the worst of both worlds - still with your dh having caring responsibilities he hasn't quite managed to shed completely, but now from a distance, which could take him away from you for long periods. If he doesn't want to shed those responsibilities completely, then honestly I would think about whether you're better off accepting that fact and staying where you are.

I can see from this thread I'm unusual in that I'm used to each partner taking the primary caring responsibility for their own parents - there was absolutely no question of it being my job to care for FIL or dh's job to care for my parents. We just supported each other in the background. Part of that support was managing the transition to a care home for one of them when appropriate, and the only arse wiping was a bit of help in the very final stages of a terminal illness for one of them.

With those boundaries firmly in place, elderly relatives being local was only an advantage, but I can see if you haven't got those it might feel different.

Allegedly...
You should centre it on what DH wants and you supporting him with what he wants but he needs to disentangle what he feels he should do or must do because of FOG (fear obligation and guilt) and work out truly how he wants things to be.

Easy to say... hard to do.
Hence my recommendation for some therapy. I think your husband has some leg work to do here tbh.

That's approx 1.5k of free therapy right there.
You're welcome!!! 🤣

@ThejoyofNC they had expectations of seeing my children and for support from us down the line.

Within 1 day of having moved I was getting messages asking to see my children and asking that I clear some time to accommodate that for them. Even though I was extremely busy and stressed with life and children. I’d have of course accommodated it but it was the brazen expectation with no consideration of us and our family unit.

Thank you so much for your comments. I really appreciate it a lot. It seems there’s a lot of fear and obligation for my husband. Fear of having his relationship with siblings being put at jeopardy if not visiting his parents often enough, and obligation and guilt if he doesn’t meet their expectations.

It’s not something I’ve experienced in my family and I find it challenging to navigate.

You can support H decision but not involve yourself in running round after them. If he does all that they expect, he’s going to be very tired, sympathise with him but do not involve yourself in their expectations.
If you get asked to clear the diary, so they can see the children, when it’s only convenient for them, let them know you are busy and to ask H to take kids over.
He may find it too much for him, he might try to deflect some of the load onto you, you stand back and let him get on with it.
If he’s ill, they don’t get any help that week, same as when you go on holiday.

Glad its helpful.

As an fyi...You will be very unlikely to help him navigate this on his own and he clearly doesnt have the tools himself...

Whether its solo or joint he will probably need an external party to "facilitate" his "journey or realisation" or whatever therapists are billing it as now...

Once every 2-3 weeks I would drop DP at his mum's whilst I got on with 'jobs' . These jobs could be shopping etc or just lying in the bath. She had him for at least three hours to do bits and pieces. I'd go to collect him and usually stay for 20 minutes or so. If she was being really annoying we'd have to leave straight away because I needed to 'get stuff in the freezer'. Worked well for me.

Well if you move as far away from PILS as the other siblings live, they can hardly complain!!!