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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends really annoying trait!

139 replies

Gallivanterer · 14/07/2025 07:25

Ive been friends with her for over a decade now and I love her. We're very close. But shes got this one really irritating trait, and I really want to either find a way of bringing it up with her or learning ways of dealing with it. The reason its coming to a head is we are planning a holiday together next year (first time we've been away together).

I cant even summarise this character trait as its so nebulous but let me give you some examples.

  • Going to an island for our holiday and I mentioned as well as sea and cultural stuff there would be opportunities to split up and eg could go on some hikes, head to the mountains, etc. She did me a 2 min VM in which she basically reiterated "I mean for me, going here is about the sea, its going to be sea focused for me" over and over again. I was thinking... Yes... I get that, hence why we are going to an island 😅
  • Again for the trip, we both do a lot of trusted housesitters, so I suggested nearer the time we could do a mix of accommodation options including trusted housesitters and she said "nope. It'll be a hassle, I want this to be about relaxation".
  • I spent years suggesting a particular career change for her that was really in line with her skills and profile, she would always do these really lengthy VMs explaining why my idea was a bad one. Until 6 months ago when she suddenly had this epiphany that this would be a great option for her.

There are countless other examples but I dont want to bore you! I cant put my finger on it, its not about what shes saying its about her tone: she can have a very kind of categoric/dismissive tone on subjects i think should just be relaxed conversations where we're batting ideas back and forth. Its almost like a kind of know it all vibe in which shes kind of dismissing/shutting down debate and I find it really grating.

Ive been meaning to try and find a way of handling this or talking to her about it, but going on holiday has made me think I really need to do it now as we are right at the start of planning so id like to nip it in the bud!

Has anyone got experience with this kind of trait?

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 14/07/2025 16:21

Gallivanterer · 14/07/2025 09:50

She also disagrees with everything. If she moans about her partner, which she often does, saying that he doesn’t help with the kids enough and goes off cycling at bedtime, calling him selfish and inconsiderate etc…,I say “yes that’s a bit shit” and she’ll say “well it’s not really, he works hard (offshore) so when he’s here I understand that he needs to relax”

Its exactly this!!!

The other day she was saying she couldn't stand certain aspects of where she lives so was thinking about moving, but not sure where.
I was like, "I totally understand: what about (name of town where she knows people and doesn't have the same issues as current town)
And she totally switched and gave me a rundown of why that was a silly idea because of all the good things about her current town.

Its like WTF? Suit yoir fucking self then? 😅

Show quote history

One thing you could say is “glad I helped you think it through” or “good to see you’re talking it through”. If it’s that external processing thing.

With the sea / mountains example, I’d say back “yes of course, you do the sea, and I’ll be doing a mix of sea and other things”. Acknowledging her and separating her thoughts from you.

Or laughing and saying “I’m not trying to debate it, just telling you my plans” or something.

WonderingWanda · 14/07/2025 16:27

Stop trying to suggest things to her. Just tell her what you are going to do and ket her got on with her thing. You are clearly on slightly different wavelengths about life and you need to accept that and just let more of it wash over you. Also, sometimes people say they want advice but they really don't, they just want to have a good old moan.

WaryHiker · 14/07/2025 16:30

Gallivanterer · 14/07/2025 08:17

Interesting. Talking about it on MN is helping me drill down to the nub of the issue.
Its like she positions herself as thr authority.... On EVERYTHING. So for example with the FB bike thing, shes positioning herself as the authority kn human behaviour (the woman actually did come knocking!).
I think she sees herself as "the pragmatic one" so there's often this undertone of "oh honey, let me tell you how things work".

I sound like i really dislike her - I dont! She's a great, funny, supportive friend. I just wish she could lose the attitude sometimes. Its like she cant do brainstorming, to her any kind of collaboration is basically an opportunity to show authority

Show quote history

Not to show authority. To protect her core being from being attacked and diminished, as it always has been by her mother.

You may not be doing things from the same motive, but as a friend you should try to understand where this is coming from instead of judging her in the harsh way you currently are. You sound as bad as her in different ways - equally prickly and easily slighted.

JLou08 · 14/07/2025 16:32

Is the bad trait that she can't be controlled by you, she instead does what she wants and gives you a heads up and some polite reasoning as to why it won't work for her?

EdisinBurgh · 14/07/2025 18:35

I’ve appreciated this thread and it’s help me understand better these annoying traits in myself and in others I’m close to. I am sympathetic to you OP!

What does a positive and enjoyable conversation with your friend look like? What topics can you have a really good chat, exchange or laugh about?

InSpainTheRain · 14/07/2025 18:51

You both sound as though you annoy each other. I would not be going on holiday with her. Sounds a recipe for disaster!

Clychaugog · 14/07/2025 20:43

Voice messages are awful. Just have a fucking conversation. 😂

Happyflower12345 · 14/07/2025 20:43

Why are you going on holiday together? Sounds like a recipe for disaster

Ivy888 · 15/07/2025 09:05

Why are you going on a holiday with her? It sounds like you have totally different holiday wishes and you are irritated at her normal behaviour (before even spending time together).
I think you need to re-evaluate the entire friendship. What exactly is she bringing you in this friendship? Are you really friends? Are you both clinging on to a friendship that once existed? Does one of you (or maybe both) have very little or no other friends, and you’re just clinging on to this friendship because otherwise you (or her) have no one else? It sounds like a very draining “friendship”. I wouldn’t bother bringing up her traits, because that’s who she is. You either accept her as she is or diminish contact and let this fizzle out.

Trendyname · 15/07/2025 11:02

Venalopolos · 14/07/2025 12:51

I’m more like your friend in this scenario and can’t really see what your issue is. Why are you telling her things if you don’t want her view?

I know I come across as defensive sometimes, but really I’m just explaining my thought process so we don’t go over things I’ve already considered and dismissed. I have a colleague who is very like me in this way and it’s very refreshing as we will often ring each other just to talk through a thought process (externally processing like someone else has said).

Why is she wrong to be clear she doesn’t want to go hiking (and why would she say sounds good, it doesn’t - it sounds horrendous to me). She obviously has previous reasons for not doing the career change, why was she wrong to tell you those reasons (presumably to stop you trying for years to convince her when she already had good reason for saying no or not now).

It is weird for someone just to turn up unannounced to buy a bike, why is it odd for her to comment on this?

But do not do the armchair psychologist thing and tell her you know it’s because of her mum and she doesn’t have to do it.

I do it because a lot of my identity is built around being clever and I also appreciate efficiency - so i want you to understand what I’ve already thought of to save rehashing, and a bit to prove I’ve thought of it before you raise it. If one of my friends psychoanalysed this and asked me to fundamentally change my personality and how I operate in the world, I’d probably cease to be friend with them.

I do it because a lot of my identity is built around being clever and I also appreciate efficiency - so i want you to understand what I’ve already thought of to save rehashing, and a bit to prove I’ve thought of it before you raise it.

I am speechless at the level of arrogance.

Trendyname · 15/07/2025 11:20

pinkdelight · 14/07/2025 12:56

Your replies are getting pretty snippy and rude now, OP. Lots of people have given some thoughtful replies. You don't seem to have reflected much on them. I guess you'll go on holiday and get wound up and maybe it'll blow up and all be her fault because of her traits, not two people being not compatible for a holiday.

She is rude to rude posters. Nothing wrong with that.

pinkdelight · 15/07/2025 11:57

Trendyname · 15/07/2025 11:20

She is rude to rude posters. Nothing wrong with that.

Show quote history

In the context of the thread, it feels quite illuminating. As many have said, both OP and friend have annoying traits, so to paraphase your post - OP is annoying to her annoying friend. Nothing wrong with that either I guess, but not the recipe for a happy holiday, which was my point.

Venalopolos · 15/07/2025 13:03

Trendyname · 15/07/2025 11:02

I do it because a lot of my identity is built around being clever and I also appreciate efficiency - so i want you to understand what I’ve already thought of to save rehashing, and a bit to prove I’ve thought of it before you raise it.

I am speechless at the level of arrogance.

Edited
Show quote history

I didn’t say I was clever. I said my identity was built around it. I was praised a lot about being a clever child, top of my class and I internalised a lot of that and made “being clever” the key identifier of my personality and what I built self worth around.

You’ve got no idea how much therapy I’ve had to work through to understand my behaviour and personality.

Now stop being so judgy when people are being open and vulnerable with their identity politics.

SaintGermain · 15/07/2025 13:25

Surprise! Surprise! Woman has her own views and opinions that are sometimes different to yours!

You are being ridiculous and sound like you’d be controlling if she wasn’t able to stand up to you.

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