MIL made me feel unwelcome.

[KeenSnail]

The past week I have been staying away from home in a holiday cottage with my in-laws, wife’s brother and wife’s brothers fiancé.

We’ve had a lovely week and yesterday celebrated my wife’s sister’s wedding. I haven’t always got on with my SIL, however over time we have disagreed less and less and I was under the impression the past was water under the bridge.

Today my SIL hosted a bbq with the close family and we were having a fantastic day together eating, drinking and playing lawn games.

At around 6pm my wife wanted to drive our 18 month old home as it’s about an hours drive back to the holiday cottage and she is trying to keep his sleep schedule as normal as possible.

We had all driven in two cars so there was room for me to catch a lift home with my MIL, FIL and BIL and BIL’s fiancé.

As I was packing up the car for my wife my MIL was saying goodnight to our son. I mentioned I was planning on staying behind. I felt as though she gave me a judgmental look and I responded to that with ‘I assume I am welcome to stay?’ to my surprise, my MIL replied to me ‘I don’t know’.

I then walked up to help my wife to the car when my SIL came to say goodbye. My wife corrected her ‘oh it’s just me and the baby going back, husband is staying’ and I jumped in and said ‘I’ll be leaving too. It’s clear I’m not welcome here’ my MIL then repeated the situation to my wife, SIL and FIL and made out it was an innocent remark as it’s not her home but I really feel there was a underlying meaning behind the incident.

Please give me perspective… am I wrong about this?

The baby is 18 months. And it absolutely does not bring on a miscarriage - the only time it MAY be of concern is if a mother is high risk for preterm birth and then it's just something to discuss with the doctor.

Your MIL felt you should be going home looking after your pregnant tired wife.
She was right. Going home to support your wife was what a good husband would do. It wasn't your family wedding.

I wonder why you wanted to stay- my instinct would always be to go home with my family.
I agree your MIL didn't sound very welcoming, but I think it's more surprising you wanted to stay.
Also inviting yourself to stay and get a lift, without asking anybody is very rude- so I'm not surprised at the reaction you got.

You sound selfish and emotionally out of tune. Of course you should have gone with your wife and child.

I imagine that this relationship has only "improved" since the child has arrived, because children are very diverting and all-consuming and there's no need to have normal conversations, it all revolves around the baby.

But your SIL still wouldn't want you there in your own right (which is fine even if there were no arguments, me and BIL rub along nicely enough but we wouldn't invite each other to stuff independently).

So this BIL, who she's never liked, announces he's staying, presumes a lift is available and is apparently leaving her pregnant sister to sort out their toddler alone in the heat, whilst her beloved sister has to leave the family celebration, then he makes a stink about a slightly off colour hint from her mum.

You really fucked this one. Back to square one with family relations, except now you've included all of them - PILs, SIL and BIL too.

Yes, this is my point. Especially when the relationship hasn't even been good in the past.

When I visit my friends with babies, I'm not interested in the babies. I'm interested in whether their partner is looking after them well. I can only judge on the slices of information I have, and this was, from the family's point of view, a shit show.

(My sister's husband is a bit of a prick, so I'm always on the lookout that he's treating his family well, which my sister knows even though I try to be positive.)

MIL's comment sounds a little unusual, but was probably out of surprise that he was staying and cadging a lift without uneven politely asking if that was ok.

The fact that it's a man inserting himself on a website specifically for women says it all. Obviously thinks his presence out weighs women's.

I think YABU

If I had a young child and was pregnant, I would be expecting that my DP would come home with me to provide some support for the night.

This is probably what your in laws were expecting also.

I get along with my in laws, but at one of my DPs family events, I dont think I would stay alone, if he went home with the kids, for example.

We arrive as a family, and we leave as a family.

Just my opinion.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting to stay and your wife go home, especially in these circumstances but I do think you might have over reacted to the comment from your MIL.

So, this car you helpfully packed "for" your wife, who helpfully unpacked it for her at the other end?

Look op you couldn't put the baby to bed, fine. You could not drink and do the driving so your pregnant wife could sleep in the car though. That's what my husband would have done

In the moment you asked the question ‘I assume I’m welcome to stay’ do you think that maybe your MIL couod have seen right through you and it confirmed everything she already thought about you which is that her DD does most of the parenting and you are happier to stay and drink rather than help her with your child and keep her company and support her whilst driving for an hour ?
And furthermore, that you have some audacity to disrespect your wife’s hard work openly in front of her nearest and dearest instead of at least trying to show them you are capable of making an effort ?

You feel there was an ‘underlying meaning behind the incident’.
Yes congratulations, I think you might be right, there was indeed a meaning.
What your MIL really wanted to say was … step up and help our struggling daughter and start acting like you are part of a team because none of us here like your lazy ass ways.

You were stupid (or blinded by alcohol) not to read the room and you were confrontational, petulant and rude to have turned it all round to you being their victim. Very transparent.
A real poor show from you OP.

If it's a holiday cottage near her family she probably knows the roads better than her husband and if she didn't know the way there's road signs that would have helped.

Still think it's weird that the husband wanted to stay though.

Stop press! Man wants to stay out drinking and partying leaving his pregnant wife and toddler to drive home alone. And he's shocked and indignant that his wife's family take a dim view of him. OP, whether your wife was cool with it or not, it was very far from a good look. Surely you can get your male ego around that?

This thread is funny. If it was the wife staying with his family everyone would be saying and why shouldn’t she stay and have fun if that’s what they agreed 😂 I certainly would tell my husband to stay if I just wanted to go back and be cool, gees and relax.

I hate it when posters say ‘everyone would be saying x’. No, some people would. Some people would say something completely different. That’s the nature of an online forum, with a variety of opinions.