MIL made me feel unwelcome.

[KeenSnail]

The past week I have been staying away from home in a holiday cottage with my in-laws, wife’s brother and wife’s brothers fiancé.

We’ve had a lovely week and yesterday celebrated my wife’s sister’s wedding. I haven’t always got on with my SIL, however over time we have disagreed less and less and I was under the impression the past was water under the bridge.

Today my SIL hosted a bbq with the close family and we were having a fantastic day together eating, drinking and playing lawn games.

At around 6pm my wife wanted to drive our 18 month old home as it’s about an hours drive back to the holiday cottage and she is trying to keep his sleep schedule as normal as possible.

We had all driven in two cars so there was room for me to catch a lift home with my MIL, FIL and BIL and BIL’s fiancé.

As I was packing up the car for my wife my MIL was saying goodnight to our son. I mentioned I was planning on staying behind. I felt as though she gave me a judgmental look and I responded to that with ‘I assume I am welcome to stay?’ to my surprise, my MIL replied to me ‘I don’t know’.

I then walked up to help my wife to the car when my SIL came to say goodbye. My wife corrected her ‘oh it’s just me and the baby going back, husband is staying’ and I jumped in and said ‘I’ll be leaving too. It’s clear I’m not welcome here’ my MIL then repeated the situation to my wife, SIL and FIL and made out it was an innocent remark as it’s not her home but I really feel there was a underlying meaning behind the incident.

Please give me perspective… am I wrong about this?

Do you normally struggle with social cues and reading people? It's obvious your in-laws see you as someone they spend time with only when with their daughter. They were also judging you for not going home with your pregnant wife and assuming you'd be welcome to cram into their car with them.

The remark you made about 'not being welcome' was childish and petulant.

I think everyone has hit the nail on the head - the family were probably surprised you weren’t going back with your wife to help her with bedtime etc, especially as she’s pregnant.

MIL shouldn’t have made the comment that she made though.

How does he get involved with breastfeeding a baby? Do tell.

he has explained, she does the night time routine as she breastfeeds baby and he does the morning routine. Do you expect her to hover around when he’s doing the morning routine instead of sleeping in?

They had spent all day together. Do you two not do anything separately? That’s really unhealthy

Yeah we do loads separately. We work separately, have separate friends, go on separate weekends away, separate annual holidays even (him with his friends and me with mine). But nice try.
If we were on a family holiday together, with our children, he would come back with me, help put the child to bed and we’d chill together for the evening, rather than carry on drinking with my parents when he’d been drinking with them all day.

Yeah, as @BeachPossum and many since have said: you looked like a tool OP. A hot, pregnant wife should not be left to drive a hour and put the toddler to bed while her husband stays out drinking with her family. You’re supposed to be a team!

Dear god mate you posted this in this site
your like a lamb to the slaughter
you never were going to come out of this good 😀

I think she sounds a rude, condescending bitch, I'd of done exactly what you did and left, I'd of also called her out on it too.
Sneaky spiteful old woman

I don’t understand why you weren’t going back with DW?

Your baby is still tiny enough to be breast fed and she’s pregnant already? Poor woman.
Also, she shouldn’t be breastfeeding whilst pregnant, it can bring on a miscarriage

Sounds like you had the misfortune to holiday with a bunch of MN man-haters, who can’t overlook their hatred of men to consider that your wife is perfectly capable of independently making a decision to leave you at a BBQ (hardly a party!) and go back by herself, without you having coerced / bullied her into doing so.

(And you’ve come to totally the wrong place for advice, basically the stock answer here is: whatever a man does is wrong).

Completely accept what you are saying here and I don’t disagree with you at all. Problem is that people don’t see that and just as all the PP here are judging on the initial circs given of the evening, likely so is your MIL - people don’t see intricacies of a relationship behind doors just what they see in public and people will always be protective of their own. MIL is just being protective of her daughter. It’s not a night out down the pub with your mates to stay out, it’s a family holiday and they want to see you looking after your family unit.

@PeapodMcgeeTheres no need for childish name calling and personal attacks! A quick google will show you that what I’ve said is correct. Grow up!

Your comment was ill-informed as the child isn't 'tiny'.

There are no studies that reliably demonstrate that supplementary breastfeeding an 18 month old causes miscarriage.

If there are, do please share.

I don't like the sound of the OP either, but no need to use bad science here.

Are you mad? You never knew anyone to tandem feed?

If you were my SIL I’d think “why are you not helping DD”. Even if you can’t put the little one to bed, you can unpack the car, carry the little one in, get their bed ready etc, spare your pregnant wife some physical labour.

I’d think badly of you tbh. My own husband wouldn’t have behaved so selfishly. If he were your FIL he would have asked you what you thought you were doing and ordered you into the car with DD. You are lucky you just got a look.

I love my son-In-law but would be stunned if he didn’t go home with his pregnant wife and child.
It’s bizarre - why on earth would you not go with her?

Ps your comment to MIL was petty in the extreme. You’ve got some apologising to do - buy MIL some flowers and blame your poor behaviour on the drink.

I understand that it is your wife wanting to keep the bed schedule, but perhaps you should have gone with her?

Put yourself in your MIL shoes - how does the situation look to her?

You massively overreacted. And should have gone home with your wife - especially as it was her family.

Presuming others will drive you home was rude - you should have checked with them. They could have had their own plans.

I too would have judged you for staying behind. If your pregnant DW was hot and had an hour's drive back to a cottage in a holiday location, I'd have expected you to accompany her to make sure she got back safely and helped wherever possible (eg unloading car, carrying toddler inside).

To just assume you could cadge a lift with the in-laws without actually asking them sounds a bit entitled, and would have made the hour's journey in their car cramped with five of you in the vehicle.

Reading your 3 posts it appears that you're the perfect husband, Son-IL and BIL. What's not to like? 🙄

I'm guessing, however, that reality is very different to your perception of yourself

Your hot and tired PREGNANT wife was happy to drive an hour with a small tired child, on her own, put small tired child to bed on her own......?? Whilst you stayed at the gathering getting a bit drunk and having fun?

I'd suggest that SIL and MIL know what your wife really thinks and why she really agrees to do these things with zero help.

But you crack on telling us how superb you are

You were bang out of order. And rude

Your DW might genuinely not have minded, but as the responses here show it looks like bizarre behaviour from the outside.

Also, if you hadn't actually asked the people you wanted to get a lift with, and just assumed, that's incredibly rude and no wonder mil looked surprised (and the 'I don't know' may have her because she wasn't the one driving so not up to her?) 5 adults can be quite cramped in a car and it wasn't only a 10 minute drive.

It's totally natural your in laws assumed you'd go with your wife and child and were surprised when you didn't. It's an hour away, needing lifts from other people, not her just nipping upstairs/ next door without you!