MIL made me feel unwelcome.

[KeenSnail]

The past week I have been staying away from home in a holiday cottage with my in-laws, wife’s brother and wife’s brothers fiancé.

We’ve had a lovely week and yesterday celebrated my wife’s sister’s wedding. I haven’t always got on with my SIL, however over time we have disagreed less and less and I was under the impression the past was water under the bridge.

Today my SIL hosted a bbq with the close family and we were having a fantastic day together eating, drinking and playing lawn games.

At around 6pm my wife wanted to drive our 18 month old home as it’s about an hours drive back to the holiday cottage and she is trying to keep his sleep schedule as normal as possible.

We had all driven in two cars so there was room for me to catch a lift home with my MIL, FIL and BIL and BIL’s fiancé.

As I was packing up the car for my wife my MIL was saying goodnight to our son. I mentioned I was planning on staying behind. I felt as though she gave me a judgmental look and I responded to that with ‘I assume I am welcome to stay?’ to my surprise, my MIL replied to me ‘I don’t know’.

I then walked up to help my wife to the car when my SIL came to say goodbye. My wife corrected her ‘oh it’s just me and the baby going back, husband is staying’ and I jumped in and said ‘I’ll be leaving too. It’s clear I’m not welcome here’ my MIL then repeated the situation to my wife, SIL and FIL and made out it was an innocent remark as it’s not her home but I really feel there was a underlying meaning behind the incident.

Please give me perspective… am I wrong about this?

You should at least have offered to take the baby home and leave your wife at the BBQ or even gone home with her. You two have a child together, you two are a family unit. Whatever the issue between SIL and you your MIL knows the details, hence her comment.

It still looks shitty to stay without her when you are on a holiday. So MIL probably had a momentary blip surprised you weren’t going to help your wife (she’s carrying your child so obviously you need to do more at the minute) and answered that she didn’t no if you could stay. And in return you over reacted and were rude to her, you owe her an apology

It’s weird that she’s going home with dc and you’re staying on to socialise with her family alone.
It would be equally as odd if you’d both went to visit your family and she’d stayed behind while you went home with the kids.

I get along brilliantly with my in laws but still wouldn’t do this

To be fair I would absolutely socialise with my in laws without DH (and I do, fairly often). In this scenario though he should have gone home with his pregnant wife to help put the toddler to bed.

I can't imagine why you would want to stay at your wife's sister's party without your wife and child being there? You'd been there all day anyway - I find this really odd. Especially, as you have stated, you haven't always got on with SIL. Why would you let your pregnant wife and young son drive an hour home (to holiday home) on their own - just so you can stay and continue to drink at the party? Weird. If my daughter's husband had said he was staying in similar circumstances then I would have acted weird too and been unimpressed with my son in law's behaviour.

They don't want you there without your wife as a buffer, they don't like you, probably because of whatever went on with your SIL and the fact you thought it was fone yo leave your wife to drive home, pregnant, alone after a long day to sort out the toddler by herself.
I'd be raising my eyebrow at you as well.

Are you a woman BTW?

"I haven’t always got on with my SIL, however over time we have disagreed less and less and I was under the impression the past was water under the bridge"

This was clearly only YOUR impression.

What did you disagree about?

Give the guy a break. Totally normal, one person wants to go home earlier and the other person stays. I wouldn't expect my husband to leave under those circumstances. I think MIL was being snippy and there was no need for it.

No more to say apart from this

Exactly this. You were clearly a bit drunk and being belligerent, and have set back what were clearly very rocky relations a mile.

@KeenSnail I’m with you, your mil’s comment did suggest you weren’t welcome.

She could easily have said it’s fine as you are family or if she were that bothered she could have asked sil herself, there was no need for her comment with a “I don’t know”.

There's no way this is a woman, regardless of how he answers.

He can't breastfeed the child to sleep so it would be pointless

You wouldn't expect him to leave your sister's party and she doesn't even like him? And then to expect without asking that someone will drive him the hour home?

Your wife is pregnant, breastfeeding and probably exhausted. MIL was probably surprised you weren’t going home to help her out…

Honestly - I’d have found that situation a bit odd. I’d expect either you to have taken the baby while your wife stayed - or for you to go back with her. So - to be fair to your MIL - maybe she was just a bit thrown in the moment rather than deliberately trying to make a point?

She’s pregnant why are you not doing everything?

the comments about packing up the car FOR her. My ex used to drive me insane by pointing out what he did (minimal) and expecting applause whilst I had difficult pregnancies and didn’t point it all out. He’s an ex.

If you're being honest about pulling your weight and your wife not minding that you were staying behind, then I think they were rude.

There's a weird thing on MN where ILs are only to be spoken to through your spouse and any relationship outside your nuclear family is low priority.

If I had to leave my family party early and DH was having a good time, I'd want him to stay too. I guess the difference is, my family would want him to stay too as they adore him.

You don't get a medal for getting your own baby up in the morning, doing breakfast and getting baby dressed. its your baby, your job. Wedding wise you should have gone home with your wife. Mother in law wise, quite rude tbh.

I agree - as it was your wife’s family & she is pregnant & breastfeeding and it’s an hours drive back, I’d have travelled back with her rather than stay out drinking with her family. I imagine my parents would have raised an eyebrow in those circumstances too.

If my dh was taking kids home mil would have absolutely made a comment saying I should be helping him. But i had been the one leaving she would have been encouraging dh to stay and have a break.

one thing though did you check they were happy to drive you back? It’s common courtesy to.

This

Your MIL and SIL sound like total gobshites. Check out immediately and have nothing more to do with the tossers.

Well you did take your life in your hands by asking here on Mumsnet, I hope you were prepared for the answers.
Personally I think YWNBU.

You made a mountain out of a mole hill and put the relationship back to not good.

What was the issue between you and SIL?
Wondering if it's made you extra sensitive.