MIL made me feel unwelcome.

[KeenSnail]

The past week I have been staying away from home in a holiday cottage with my in-laws, wife’s brother and wife’s brothers fiancé.

We’ve had a lovely week and yesterday celebrated my wife’s sister’s wedding. I haven’t always got on with my SIL, however over time we have disagreed less and less and I was under the impression the past was water under the bridge.

Today my SIL hosted a bbq with the close family and we were having a fantastic day together eating, drinking and playing lawn games.

At around 6pm my wife wanted to drive our 18 month old home as it’s about an hours drive back to the holiday cottage and she is trying to keep his sleep schedule as normal as possible.

We had all driven in two cars so there was room for me to catch a lift home with my MIL, FIL and BIL and BIL’s fiancé.

As I was packing up the car for my wife my MIL was saying goodnight to our son. I mentioned I was planning on staying behind. I felt as though she gave me a judgmental look and I responded to that with ‘I assume I am welcome to stay?’ to my surprise, my MIL replied to me ‘I don’t know’.

I then walked up to help my wife to the car when my SIL came to say goodbye. My wife corrected her ‘oh it’s just me and the baby going back, husband is staying’ and I jumped in and said ‘I’ll be leaving too. It’s clear I’m not welcome here’ my MIL then repeated the situation to my wife, SIL and FIL and made out it was an innocent remark as it’s not her home but I really feel there was a underlying meaning behind the incident.

Please give me perspective… am I wrong about this?

no way would Ostay and party with my husbands family if he had to leave with our baby for some reason, especially with past conflict history. I getting fine with DHs family most of the time, but not way could i ever picture me doing this.

Yes your wife may be fine with it but her DM sees it differently and expected you to drive back with her.

You should go home with your pregnant wife and toddler. Of course your in laws don’t want you hanging back just to get more drunk.

The need for it is that they don’t like him / her

You are a dick, you should have gone with your wife, you clearly put yourself first and think everyone else should expect you to also. Have some respect for your family instead of trying to avoid being with them so you can drink.

I reckon your MIL was surprised that you weren’t going back with your wife, and in a way was being protective of her daughter’s needs. Especially when you had packed up the car, and the holiday cottage is an hour away. It does seem a little strange. Was your wife really okay with this? Being a mum I would imagine she would have welcomed a night off, or a bit of time for just the two of you, if you had spent all day with the in-laws anyway.

Well done you for packing the car up so your wife could drive back for an hour alone to look after your child while you stayed behind and celebrated her sister’s wedding without her. You wife certainly lucked out there

Whether or not you should have accompanied your wife and child back - and that’s between you - you shouldn’t have come up with the arsey comment at the end. You have just made things unnecessarily awkward.

I suspect that your previous issues with SIL aren’t as resolved as you think they are. She might be trying to keep the peace for the sake of the family but still upset with you. What did you used to disagree about?

To be honest, you sound neurotic and rude. Best to ask kindly if it’s ok to stay and if not go (there could be various reasons) rather than make a problem.

I agree with some that usually one would expect you would go back with your wife and child.

Agreed

I’ve reread this and am really shocked you would a) let you wife go alone b) be so snippy with in-laws c) use the tone you have to describe this..

If your wife was my sister I would think “doesn’t he want to go home and help her rather than drinking more?” plus “wow what a twat” when you were petulant about it

Since it's already been explained that the wife wanted to go back, and that she breastfeeds the child to sleep, there is plenty else to say apart from that.

I jumped in and said ‘I’ll be leaving too. It’s clear I’m not welcome here’

That was an immature, unpleasant, and entirely unnecessary comment. Especially when made after a lovely wedding day. You really didn't help your relationship with your in-laws at all. You soured the whole day.

As you don’t quite get on with your SIL, what was the reason for staying? Drink?
How was you going to get back to your family given your wife has left? Taxi? Expecting wife’s family to drive you back?

I reckon you wanted to stay so you can carry on drinking. And you made your wife’s mom feel uncomfortable as perhaps they are not quite sure about you. You then made things worse by saying you ‘feel unwelcome’. MIL’s comment ‘i don’t know’ was your hint to say ‘actually, i will be heading off too now’ but you totally missed it and got confrontational because you had your eyes on something you wanted from that evening (drink?).

Im affraid, you came across badly. It was her family. She was leaving and so you should have, too.

You sound a pita, i wonder how the rest of the evening went after you stayed?

Even more reason to go back with her. Pregnant, driving an hour with a baby back to a holiday cottage. Did she know the way? Is she familiar with the roads? Your MIL thought ‘What? So your staying here whilst my pregnant daughter drives home to breastfeed the baby and put them to sleep, whilst you have a few more beers. Well as long as you’re alright!!’

Fuck me.

But your question isnt about your wife… it’s about your MIL.

And it looks like she wasn’t happy tharnyou didn’t go back with your pregnant wife and toddler.

Not much of a mystery really…

If I were in your wife’s shoes I would’ve expected my husband to come home with me, especially as she’s pregnant. MIL probably thought it was odd that you were staying.

Cheerio Darling, hope you find your way back to the holiday cottage!! Fingers crossed you don’t break down in this sweltering heat whilst pregnant and with a baby! Anyway best of luck, I’m getting back on the Pimms and about to whip old Jonty at the Croquet! All the best old girl!!!

Why? She was driving anyway as she was the one not drinking. She is breastfeeding so he couldn’t do much anyway. Between them he does the mornings she does the evenings

Do you think he should have gone along for moral support and to bang a tambourine ? Does she get up in the morning to give him moral support when he does the morning routine?

people care so weird.

In this scenario my husband would have come with me because he’d rather come and spend the time with me and his child than carry on drinking with his in laws. Nothing to do with tambourines or moral support.

you really shouldn’t have made the comment you did - it’s a celebratory event for your in laws - you should have held your tongue even if you were offended.

Interesting that you can't get involved with babies bedtime, pregnant wife breastfeeding and all that but in the next breath you're Dad/husband of the year as you 'help out' with baby breakfast? Do you lactate in the morning?

They were probably surprised that you wanted to stay and presumably carry on drinking instead of going home to help your pregnant wife. If this is not all made up of course!