To tell my bro his wife is secretly preventing pregnancy?

[MyameVyce]

About 2 years ago my bro told me he’s trying for a baby with his wife. He was really excited and was hoping it would happen quickly for them because he can’t wait to be a dad. With it being a personal sensitive topic I would not ask further updates, but he’s made a few rueful comments about how it isn’t happening. He mentioned that his wife had said she doesn’t want fertility investigations or treatments and if it doesn’t happen naturally she’d be ok with that.

Problem is that SIL made a weird kind of confession to me where she basically told me she’s on contraception and my bro doesn’t know. Conversation was bizarre. She giggled and saying “ssshhhh” don’t tell him.

I have no interest in getting involved in someone else’s marital problems but I told my best friend about this and she strongly thought I needed to tell my bro.

AIBU to keep this info to myself?

Does she work, OP?

Perhaps she wants to stay with him for an easier life but doesn't want the hassle of kids.

I thought that too, Myama, that she isn't using contraception but doesn't want to admit to anyone that she and your brother might have fertility problems. If she did then become pregnant she could say contraceptives failed or she was careless one time. People do that sort of thing, you'd be surprised.

It's like infidelity, in fact it is infidelity, your SIL is lying about something very serious to her DH.

Why has she told you this 'secret'? Very odd, but she has and you owe it to your DB to try and introduce some honesty into the situation.

'Sorry SIL, but you have brought me into this and I feel very uncomfortable about it. You must have a proper conversation with him about this, and if I feel you haven't sorted this between you by September (or some other date) then I will tell him myself.'

It would strike me as a weird reaction tbh but then some people can be affected in surprising ways. Sometimes massively so.

It's certainly odd that she made it out to be a humorous situation, so this somewhat boosts the likelihood IMO that she was throwing it out there as some kind of defence. Although, overall, I think it's probs more likely she's telling the truth.

She may have lied about it due to embarrassment or upset, she may have been on contraceptives and come off them. All the OP has to go on is one rather odd comment and the knowledge that SIL is not yet pregnant. I'd definitely talk to her before saying anything to the brother.

I keep coming back to why she told you....as I said its not uncommon for people to do stuff like this because they want the person they told to do something.....

He needs to know.

If that was my SIL, I'd warn her that I'll tell my DB and then I would tell him. I'm quite close to my brother and my loyalty lies with him.

I agree. Like an admission of guilt. Although if you actually thought it through, the outcome would likely be much more acrimonious him finding out indirectly.

I'd expect it more in the sort of situation where she might be wanting to dump him but not know what to say. The type of situation where maybe they don't really care that much about the other person but don't want to have that difficult conversation.

I think you should tell her you feel uncomfortable knowing this secret and if she doesn’t want a child she should speak to your brother.

Presumably you didn’t bring this issue up given what you said in your OP, so I don’t see why she would feel the need to lie and be defensive about fertility issues. That makes no sense. If it were me I’d just give a true account of what happened to your brother if you have a decent relationship with him. She maybe wants this to be brought to a head but is too cowardly to do it - still your brother deserves to know.

What is f it was the other way round - a man who had had a vasectomy stringing along a woman who was trying to get pregnant?

your poor brother, OP - I would definitely tell.

Sorry *what if it was the other way round

I would absolutely tell him. Your allegiance is to him, not your SIL who is doing an awful thing. I had a really upsetting secret that was kept from me (and Dh) by the family. One that I had a right to know so I could keep my dc safe from harm. It eventually all came out (it always does). And it turns out that there was an actual family meeting between MIL, BIL and SIL to discuss not telling us and how to prevent us finding out.

The actual thing was bad enough, but the betrayal was a whole different stab in the back. That people knew and would rather have seen something really awful happen to my children than to have the guts to speak up and tell the truth. It’s been 10 years and I’ve never forgotten and never forgiven them.

I couldn’t keep that from him. Please tell him. Show your loyalty and your SIL clearly isn’t.

That's such a cruel thing to do.

Of course it's her choice to get pregnant or not but she doesn't have the right mislead DB the way she is.

How weird of her to tell you and giggle about it!

Agree that you need to speak to her and tell her if she doesn't fess up then you'll tell him.

Her body her choice. Yes.

But he also has the right to choose to stay with her or not based on her choices.

You do you, but your loyalty should be to your brother first and foremost imho.

OP

Tell your brother.
He deserves to know as soon as possible what's happening so he can take appropriate steps like hiring solicitors and preparing for divorce.
He also needs time to protect himself legally against anything.
Advise him to hire the best solicitors available, as this person will likely try to claim 50% or more of his assets.
Additionally, inform him and his solicitors to prepare for potential conflict, including the possibility of her making accusations of violence or abuse.

Speak to her, tell her you feel really uncomfortable with that knowledge as you know your brother really wants a baby. If she really doesn't want one, they then decide that between themselves. If you tell your brother, you will end up involved and may end up the bad guy. I tend to stay out of things like this now as I told someone when I was younger that they were being cheated on - they fell out with me and when they dumped their partner, I was ex friended too. Just turns ugly despite your best intentions!

Normally I keep completely out of other people’s relationships but this is your brother. I would tell him exactly what she said to you as he deserves to know.

I'd tell him. I'm usually not one for getting involved but if someone was deceiving my brother like that I couldn't keep it to myself. I'd probably speak to her first to find out the reasons and tell her she needs to be honest herself. I can't see how anyone could lie about this, unless your brother is abusive and she is scared to leave and rightfully not willing to bring a baby in to it. That is the only valid reason I could think would justify it

Tell him outright then take a step back.
It's up to him what he chooses to do with the information.
He is your brother and your loyalty lies with him first and foremost

If they are Catholic (which OP gives us no clues about) the SiL's refusal to have children would be grounds for an annulment. I mention this only to show how serious this would be in some communities, as some here are saying 'her body her choice' type of comments. Clearly, the RC church would very much disagree with you on that.

I'd tell your brother, OP. Everyone will hate you for it initially, you'll have to weather that, but ultimately it'd be the best thing.

Well no, its still her body her choice. The bit that people forget is that choices have consequences.