To think that my appearance is no one else’s business?

[burntoranges]

I’ve lost 5 stone over the course of around a year, and I finally feel happy with myself for the first time in a very long time. The weight loss was fuelled by a relationship breakup, and I’ve really been prioritising self care and enjoying being alone. I feel genuinely happy and confident, and I’ve always been curious about aesthetic treatments but to be honest I never bothered because I knew I’d still feel rubbish until I’d shifted the weight so it felt pointless. Fast forward to now and so far I’ve had my eyebrows micro bladed, hair extensions fitted, and an upper blepharoplasty scheduled later this month as I’ve always had hooded eyes that are now starting to affect my vision due to the skin sagging onto my eyelashes.

I also got the tiniest bit of lip filler at the weekend, had zero plans of telling my family because it’s none of their business, but they saw me the afternoon I had it done and it’s like all hell has broken loose. My mum and sister are disgusted with me, saying I’m ’taking It too far’ and I don’t need anything done. I’m just so annoyed because I’m finally happy and confident and treating myself to these little tweaks that I KNOW the risks of, I’ve accepted those. I feel like they’d rather I went back to being fat and miserable.

AIBU to ignore them if they ever bring up my
looks as it’s none of their business? Am I being too harsh?

Your lips look sore (hopefully they’re not), so maybe the comments come from a place of concern.

Your sister needs to learn to manage her anxiety about other people's health, it's not your job or your mum's to manage it for her. On the other hand, "my appearance is none of anyone's business but I feel much better about myself because I look better and here is a photo of my lips" isn't quite lining up. You clearly really do think that people's opinion of your appearance is important. Some people will like it, some people won't.

Exactly the same thing happened with me, complete and utter jealousy! Your lips look fab ❤️ they will die down in a couple of days. Enjoy your weight loss and new found confidence, you deserve it!

@WhistlingStraits they look much worse than they feel, they’re not sore at all! But they are very swollen, which I explained to her and still got told I’m ’off my head’ and all sorts.

I disagree.

When someone has had positive (self-driven) changes in their lives, the comments of others’ just run off. The normal/healthy response is not to get into their motivations beyond seeing they struggle to be happy for you.
So the sister’s comment would be met with, “Thanks for the PSA, I’m happy with the changes, but if we’re commenting on each other: those leggings/glasses/hair extensions are hideous and [I’m concerned you’re going too far, and are going to die]”, followed by a raucous cackle.

@Pamspeople i get that, and I know that lip filler isn’t for everyone. I only posted the photo to show that it genuinely was conservatively done and that I think she was overreacting, especially given how swollen they are since they were JUST done 🤣

Why do you care what she thinks? Is her opinion that important to you, and do you need sentences you can say to demonstrate that you don’t care what she thinks.

It feels a bit weird to comment on another woman’s appearance but I think you have a pretty mouth and wonder if you actually needed the filler at all. From what I can see of your face you have beautiful skin.

How confident is a person if they feel the need for these procedures? I would be careful that you don’t get obsessed with the way you look. It can become addictive with people pursuing one procedure after another. If your happiness is based on your weight loss and appearance it has quite a shaky foundation.

@GuevarasBeret I don’t want to care, it’s just difficult to ignore when it’s constant comments even when I tell her that I’m happy with it and it’s none of her business. Like I said, this was yesterday and she’s still bringing it up today.

I think it is a reasonable explanation as well. And I worry about the young women in my team getting this and that done. Everyone says it’s ’for me’ but the male gaze and our socialisation into it is very strong. And the pull of endless modifications is worrying. In the olden days it was nails, tan and diet. Now it’s a lot of intrusive, medical procedures.

The other thing is that people get really really upset when you change their relationships unilaterally. And weight is so meaningful and important in society that ‘the fat one’ not being that any more is changing a relationship. Some people are great with it, some aren’t. It’s analogous to someone getting into drip and alcohol recovery. Co-dependent cracks show up.

Be kind to yourself, check if there is anything you can work on inside your head and well as outside! And if you’ve done an honest self-inventory, and you’re calm and clear and healthy in your intentions, carry on. If you’ve done need to do some self-esteem work, do that. None of it is really anyone else’s business.

@MrsTerryPratchett I recognise your username, I think you were extremely supportive on one of my previous threads about leaving my ex and I just wanted to say thank you.

Congratulations on your weight loss. I got hair extensions after my DP died. Ignore them!

Well done op. Is your sister bigger than you now? Perhaps that’s her issue.

So glad to hear that. All the very very best

Good for you OP, if you want work done have it done. I have had Botox and fillers and it's marvellous. I tell the doctor I don't want to look younger, just well preserved. If it makes you feel good take no notice of others.
.

Then you have to not give it oxygen. “All done now? Got it all off your chest? I gave you the respect of listening now please her me out. I don’t care what you think. Who won the tennis?”

It sounds like your mum is bringing up two different things - your sister's anxiety (not your problem, tell your mum it's not your problem and to take it up with your sister) and her own concerns about the treatments you've had (be assertive and tell her you're not going to discuss it with her any further).

You've made your choices and need to deal with people's reactions, they won't all be what you want but as long as you're happy then what people think of you is none of your business, as they say

Congratulations on the weight-loss. As for the micro-blading and the hair extensions. It's a personal cosmetic choice. I can´t see much harm in these.

But are you sure you know the risks of filler and upper blepharoplasty? Was the latter prescribed by a doctor? Are you sure you vision loss is not something happening with your eyes or your glasses prescription?

From what I know of filler is that it is hyaluronic acid, that it won't dissolve on it's own, that it can become hard and lumpy, but there is an equal chance of it traveling down the face and causing sagging, requiring surgery to fix.

And if I know you and saw your lips like that I would wonder if you had been attacked by bees. Why would you do this to yourself?

I'm guessing from your photo that you're quite young? Your skin is perfect.

@Americano75 I’m 34, but always struggled with hormonal skin issues - I’ve managed to get it under control over the past year so that means a lot, thank you!

All you have to say to them is

thank you for your opinion
Don't engage, don't stop tell them stuff but if they react adversely - just repeat Thank you for your opinion - full stop mouth and lips shut tight

do not engage, don't debate, don't justify yourself

its really important not to justify yourself

as you state, its none of their business

@DiggingHoles thanks, but I’ve researched the bleph for over a year! It’s being done by an oculoplastic surgeon and I’m up to date with my eye tests. It’s actually a relatively minor procedure. And yes, there are risks with filler but again, I researched this and chose a reputable injector and I felt that on balance, the benefit outweighed the risk for me personally.

Is your vision really being affected at 34?

@MikeRafone thank you, this is exactly what I need! I feel like I go on the defense and start trying to justify it when I really don’t need to, I just need to practice not even engaging in the conversation.

@IceLollyMolly yup. It’s more so in one eye specifically, plus I work from home on a screen all day so by the end of the day my eyes feel extremely heavy and tired from having to open them so much wider to see properly due to the excess skin sitting on my lashes.

But also, even if it wasn’t affecting my vision and I just wanted it done purely for cosmetic reasons does it really make a difference?