To think that my appearance is no one else’s business?

[burntoranges]

I’ve lost 5 stone over the course of around a year, and I finally feel happy with myself for the first time in a very long time. The weight loss was fuelled by a relationship breakup, and I’ve really been prioritising self care and enjoying being alone. I feel genuinely happy and confident, and I’ve always been curious about aesthetic treatments but to be honest I never bothered because I knew I’d still feel rubbish until I’d shifted the weight so it felt pointless. Fast forward to now and so far I’ve had my eyebrows micro bladed, hair extensions fitted, and an upper blepharoplasty scheduled later this month as I’ve always had hooded eyes that are now starting to affect my vision due to the skin sagging onto my eyelashes.

I also got the tiniest bit of lip filler at the weekend, had zero plans of telling my family because it’s none of their business, but they saw me the afternoon I had it done and it’s like all hell has broken loose. My mum and sister are disgusted with me, saying I’m ’taking It too far’ and I don’t need anything done. I’m just so annoyed because I’m finally happy and confident and treating myself to these little tweaks that I KNOW the risks of, I’ve accepted those. I feel like they’d rather I went back to being fat and miserable.

AIBU to ignore them if they ever bring up my
looks as it’s none of their business? Am I being too harsh?

Its not concern, and perhaps the right word isnt exactly jealousy, I dont know the right word for it but essentially its keeping someone down at a lower level than they perceive them to be, the person less confident, the person overweight, the person they in own minds they might pity to some degree

That's rubbish imo.

She hasn’t had any surgery. She’s had her brows done, some extensions fitted and lip filler. There is no surgery

The things is if your appearance is not anyone else’s concern why are you doing all this at all? We want to look our best to be perceived in a certain way by others. You seem to want to be perceived as happy, newly attractive and confident. If you are honest what is bothering you is that other people are not responding to your appearance as you want them to - which suggests that your perception of how you come across and theirs differs. I know someone who just lost loads of weight, got eyes done, Botox and lip filler and she looks insane. She looks like someone desperately trying to conform to other people’s version of attractive. But I am not her relative so I say nothing.

I disagree.

One of my friends has had a boob job and lip fillers & some brow lift thing post divorce. She hasn't gone for the natural look but that's not my business and she hasn't really asked for my opinion. I know her brother though & he doesn't like it/is concerned. He's not motivated by jealously.

@yakkity Ok a procedure then. The point stands, once people start injecting stuff into their face, some don't know when to stop. I am not saying the OP is going to do this but it can happen, and maybe that is why they are reacting the way they are. It may not necessarily be out of jealously .

I’ve recently lost 25kg and my body size seems to be a constant topic of conversation for my DM. It’s annoying

It is interesting that your baseline assumption is that it doesn’t come from a good place. People can’t win- you say something positive: you're being patronizing, you say something negative you’re jealous; you say something neutral or nothing at all: you’ll get accused of being a bitch or not caring.

The fact you use “getting above your station” says way more about you, and your way of seeing the world: you’re quick to see the pointed little comments, but no indication that you see or can conceptualise that there are people who are happy for for you. It’s obvious where your attention is focused.

Honestly if it makes you happy & confident then have whatever tweakments you want .

Surely he must be jealous. How could he not be?

Oh it certainly isn’t rubbish. It is a well known behaviour when there is a shift in social dynamics. People like the status quo. They are fine with those who were born wealthy. But woe betide the friend who makes millions or the former poor one in the friendship group come in to money.

or the child from a council estate who goes to Cambridge and ends up in the city. The other mums can’t stand it and start making comments about ‘getting above their station’

or yes, the former fat friend losing weight and getting positive attention. It can cause massive resentment.

whether you believe it or not isn’t really of any interest. It’s a well known phenomenon

I’ve definitely always been ‘the fat one’ and to be honest, I’m still technically overweight if I go by BMI but I’m a size 10/12 and I think I’d look silly if I lost much more weight. My mum has thrown the odd comment in about the weight loss too, again ‘taking it too far’ - which I’d understand if I was now underweight or gaunt etc, but I’m really not. I’m trying not to let it bother me, but I called her earlier about something else and she was still bringing it up about how my sister is now extremely upset and worried that I’m going to die… honestly, I’d understand the concern more if I was off abroad for a BBL or something much riskier than a bit of filler and a bleph under local anaesthetic.

Wrong. Ive had many more positive comments and positive interactions. The negatives have unfortunately come from people that I would never ever had thought were going to put me down but sadly its shown their true colours.

Using the phrase getting above your staton doesn’t say anything about the poster other than the ability to observe the behaviours of those who struggle with the change in social dynamics

@yakkity we are talking about family members concerned about tweakments, sometimes it really is just concern...

@IceLollyMolly maybe next week he will have filler too!

Every time I ever lost a little bit of weight my mother would feign concern rather than encourage me. This year at 40 I now look the best I ever have- which is chuffing ridiculous. I regret wasting my youth on not making the best of myself.

Go for it OP. Feel confident and attractive and brilliant and healthy and do it for you.

Often when people see others doing better they don't like that they can't be bothered themselves

I think probably the simplest answer is the right one. You've started along a pathway of enhancing your appearance and now this has crossed the line into 'fakery' (no judgement, i had botox for 20 years) they're worried you'll keep going, tweaking this and that in an endless quest to look better and better. In fairness to them, this can happen. Because when you're happy with one part of yourself, you can sometimes feel another part 'let's you down' and keep tweaking and spending and going more invasive until you do 'go too far'. They also may be worried that you're going to change your personality and become obsessed with your looks, or start looking and behaving like a different type of woman. As time goes on and they get used to the new you, and you give them no cause for concern, they will probably get used to it.

You haven’t said anywhere that your family have criticised your weight loss, so why do you say you think they would prefer you go be "fat and miserable"?

The aesthetic treatments - well, you can just tell your family it’s your decision and you don’t want to hear their opinions, but is it possible they have a point and are just concerned about you?

I’ve definitely always been ‘the fat one’ and to be honest, I’m still technically overweight if I go by BMI but I’m a size 10/12 and I think I’d look silly if I lost much more weight. My mum has thrown the odd comment in about the weight loss too, again ‘taking it too far’ - which I’d understand if I was now underweight or gaunt etc, but I’m really not. I’m trying not to let it bother me, but I called her earlier about something else and she was still bringing it up about how my sister is now extremely upset and worried that I’m going to die… honestly, I’d understand the concern more if I was off abroad for a BBL or something much riskier than a bit of filler and a bleph under local anaesthetic.

They just need to adjust to your new appearance. One of my cousins shaved off her long blonde hair during a rebellious phase a la Britney. It was jarring to see her and it took me off guard for months whilst I adjusted. My mum wants a bleph & I am a bit concerned for her.

And I get why she wants it done!

@5128gap thank you, I also think this is the most reasonable explanation for my mum’s concern at least. She just hasn’t worded it that way which is what’s frustrating.

Op didn’t say they were jealous. Commenters did.

I agree with you BUT I would guess their reaction is more towards so many cosmetic procedures in short succession. It’s a bit of a red flag that something MAY not be ok. That said, you sound like you know yourself and you wanted to do this for a long time - so actually, it’s not sudden. However, I can see how an outsider who didn’t know your inner thoughts would be concerned.

@Rivertrudge as soon as I’d lost the first stone, my mum started saying ‘that’s enough now’ and that I needed to stop. Ironically she’s always been absolutely tiny (a petite size 8) and yet all I’ve heard my entire life is how she needs to diet and lose x amount of lbs. So hearing that alongside being told that I’m ’fine the way I am’ has always been confusing!