To think overnights at their dads will have to stop soon?

[cadburyegg]

I share two boys age 10 and 7 with my ex husband. He lives in a 1 bed flat and has done since the break up. He has the children EOW and every Monday night. When they are there they sleep in his bed and he sleeps on a camp bed in the living room. This was fine to start with, when we broke up they were 5 and 2 so no issue but as they are getting older it’s playing on my mind that they need their own beds really.

I bought him out of the house 2 years ago and we got a financial clean break. My solicitor said I was very generous with the settlement he got (6 figures) but we live in a pricy area and my exh doesn’t have a high income, so I wanted him to have a decent deposit which would hopefully enable him to buy somewhere suitable for when the children stay with him. That hasn’t happened, and since then he’s gone self employed and doesn’t earn much (as far as I can tell - CMS say he doesn’t have to pay maintenance).

I have told exh that he needs to sort proper beds for the children if they are to carry on staying there. I’ve suggested the beds that zip together but can detach which would mean they would have separate beds. He won’t consider it and said he can’t get more beds and can’t move yet.

AIBU to say they won’t be able to stay there when ds10 starts secondary? Or can they carry on like they are for a few more years? Ds10 said he doesn’t mind but ds7 says he has trouble sleeping there. I am stressing a bit because if the overnights stop I am going to have to change childcare arrangements or possibly even find another job….

Some thoughts please?

I don't think you can really decide yourself that they can't stay at their Dads. I agree it's not ideal but the sleeping arrangements aren't up to you. Hopefully he will come to the realisation himself as they grow.

I agree with PurpleTurtle. It's not your place to be dictating his living arrangements at his place. He's obviously struggling to find a bigger place to live but yet he's is actively wanting to be part of the children's life and you should encourage that relationship to continue.

As they are both boys, I think it's fine, and as pps have said, continuing the relationship is a good thing.

It’s not ideal but it being a problem is a very “first world” idea, there are lots of countries where same sex siblings share rooms and beds until adulthood. I don’t understand why he can’t get two separate camp beds or similar though which might be comfier than sharing? Also why are CMS saying he should be paying nothing? Is he unemployed? Even as a benefit claimant he would be due you around £30 a month which is obviously insulting but better than nothing?

A judge would say they absolutely must have a bed each.. And storage for their personal belongings.
Ime.
He has the cash. He is choosing to keep his spending on them to an absolute minimum..
Twat.

I think the children will probably vote with their feet eventually, I suspect that won’t enjoy that setup for much longer. But yes, it’s not for you to change the contact on that basis.

Cross the bridge of childcare/job issues as/when the boys themselves decide they don’t want to go there anymore.

This is simply bollocks

But also, I would agree with this. I guess it depends on whether you want to push it.

You cannot, and should not, decide unilaterally that your children can’t stay with their father. That will do far more harm than sharing a bed and will likely damage your relationship with them too.

When I left exh I did get Cafcass involved as he was a narcissistic cunt. Home visit to ensure the dc did indeed have their own beds and own storage for personal belongings.. Please don't say it's bullocks without experience..

Absolutely this ^ you will be the bad guy and he could^ claim you are preventing his from seeing his own children

id buy a single air bedand just send them with them. One on the double, one on the single & dad on the sofa. Problem solved and would only cost £20 max.

The older child says he doesn't mind so I wouldn't go blazing in stopping overnights he can tell his dad if it's a problem. It's not ideal but as long as you have no safety concerns I don't think there's much else you can do. If your younger child has problems sleeping there they can speak to dad don't quiz him with leading questions as you will know young kids can say anything

While it's not ideal it's not terrible and thr relationship with his dad is more important than having perfect sleeping arrangements.

I suspect there was more going on than just the beds in your case
There are whole families living in one room or very limited space due to being homeless they won't all.have their own bed.

TBH, I really don't see that this is an issue until the kids find it a big issue at least. My two shared a bed on purpose at that age (we moved quite often, and were often in temporary flats where there was only a double bed for them to share anyway, but mainly because they were used to having someone near)

Even now, when they're both teens (similar age gap) - when we go on holiday and the hotel has a double and a single, they might share (it depends who's been annoying each other the most/what the single looks like - eg. if it's small, I'm the shortest to I take it, and they'll share, otherwise it might be me and one of them)

Mine don't generally stay over at their dad's but, I think that when they do they share a bed (despite him having a massive house) - just for comfort really - it's a strange place for them to sleep in, so they prefer to be in the same room - and he doesn't bother with a kid spare room, just has double beds.

Yes,I often shared with my sister even though we both had our own rooms.

YABU. 2 brothers sharing a bed every other weekend isn't going to do them any harm. When I was a teen most weekends were spent at sleepovers sharing a single bed.

Such nonsense, they’re both boys, they're young and sharing the same room doesn’t mean they can’t get changed separately.

Your only concern should be whether you are negatively influencing your children on the matter (youngest, especially from what you have written). Leave them be and try not to be so controlling and encourage the relationship with their father.

It’s not ideal but I think you’re being unrealistic if you really think it’s a deal breaker.

The 10yr old will start puberty soon and will have night time emissions, they do need separate beds, not necessarily separate rooms but yes.
I would talk to social services about this, they could do an assessment on the accommodations provided by their father and make recommendations for him to follow.

You need to step back. They don’t need their own beds. My two slept on airbeds at their dads for years. Now they are strapping young men with a lovely relationship with their dad.

dont interfere.

For goodness sake. Emissions ???? Social services?????

do you really think SS will be interested when there are children in the UK without a bed, no food and dirty clothes.

As long as its a double bed he can buy the boys sleeping bags if they are sleeping on the same bed.

Its only eow.
I often used to sleep in my nans bed when I stayed with her on a weekend or slept on the sofa

If they are both boys and he's happy to give up his double bed I think you should leave them to it. When he is parenting it's not for you to decide what happens at his place.