To think overnights at their dads will have to stop soon?

[cadburyegg]

I share two boys age 10 and 7 with my ex husband. He lives in a 1 bed flat and has done since the break up. He has the children EOW and every Monday night. When they are there they sleep in his bed and he sleeps on a camp bed in the living room. This was fine to start with, when we broke up they were 5 and 2 so no issue but as they are getting older it’s playing on my mind that they need their own beds really.

I bought him out of the house 2 years ago and we got a financial clean break. My solicitor said I was very generous with the settlement he got (6 figures) but we live in a pricy area and my exh doesn’t have a high income, so I wanted him to have a decent deposit which would hopefully enable him to buy somewhere suitable for when the children stay with him. That hasn’t happened, and since then he’s gone self employed and doesn’t earn much (as far as I can tell - CMS say he doesn’t have to pay maintenance).

I have told exh that he needs to sort proper beds for the children if they are to carry on staying there. I’ve suggested the beds that zip together but can detach which would mean they would have separate beds. He won’t consider it and said he can’t get more beds and can’t move yet.

AIBU to say they won’t be able to stay there when ds10 starts secondary? Or can they carry on like they are for a few more years? Ds10 said he doesn’t mind but ds7 says he has trouble sleeping there. I am stressing a bit because if the overnights stop I am going to have to change childcare arrangements or possibly even find another job….

Some thoughts please?

Yet again people seeing social services as some kind of panacea that will solve all issues.

Having a father in their life is more important than having own bed- if you had issues with the overalls parenting you would have been focusing on that not the bed.

Same-sex siblings sharing a bed is normal in many parts of the world and was normal in the UK until relatively recently. It's not idea but better than not seeing their dad. As they get older they may insist that he sorts something out and vote with their feet if he doesn't. I'd leave it.

If their relationship is good enough they will figure it out amongst themselves like a normal family without you getting involved. Assuming dad isn’t a complete idiot.

I think there a big difference between choosing not buy your children separate beds and not genuinely not being able to provide a separate bed. I think it would be unreasonable for your ex not to provide separate beds, even it was a bunk bed.

If either of the boys was inclined towards abusing the other, there would be many better opportunities than in a one-bed flat with their dad in the next room.

I agree that they need their own beds, even just 2 camp beds.

But this isn’t something you can stop access for.

I would wait until they start complaining about it and then either say it to him or get them to say it to him.

I obviously don’t know his situation but it sounds like he has a chunk of money that he could easily use to make it more comfortable for when they’re there.
So he’s being selfish but he’s still providing them with a bed and roof over their heads and so no court would accept you refusing him access and you might end up creating tension and more issues.
But if they start not wanting to go because of it - then that’s a different story.

I'd guess that he'll get away with it for a few more years but then the kids will become vocal about staying if they're still having to share. Perhaps they'll start alternating visits?

But I'd stay well out of it. If they're safe, fed and enjoy their Dad's company, there's a lot to be said for that.

General opinion on mumsnet is really captured by the MRA fathers for justice movement. (As are the family courts which is scary). So they totally fail to see that most mothers just want the best for their children, and see everything through a lens where men are victims of their controlling ex.

YANBU OP. Id keep checking in with your kids at least to make sure they are comfortable with the arrangement and getting enough sleep. You can reevaluate if they start expressing discomfort. If it comes from the kids maybe your ex will start taking it seriously on his own.

On the other hand I see a lot of threads where mum's ( not theOp. paticularly) try to stop contact for no good reason with some posters egging them on.

I agree that they need their own beds, even just 2 camp beds

I don't get this logic. Camp beds are not beds, they are temporary and uncomfortable. A proper double bed is much better for a good night's sleep. A pillow wall and separate duvets.

If you share a room you don't have privacy, regardless of having a bed.

Do you now 🙄

Yes I do🙄

Surely its up to the kids? A friend of mine had a nervous breakdown and he and his wife split up amicably. He moved home but is clearly not back on his feet however he still sees his children and adores them. They come and stay with him, he sleeps in a mess of a room, they have one to share. But they love him and want to see him regardless of how they have to sleep whilst with him

So he doesn't pay child support, doesn't ensure they have beds or any space of their own in his 1 bedroom flat (instead of finding suitable accommodation with the generous divorce settlement and continuing to work sensibly) ... suspect he's riding out the child support years and socking money away while you do all the financial lifting for his children.

I'd quietly float an inquiry to your schools family's worker or social services about the bed situation and your concerns.

Yanbu. Of course they need their own bed. He's being a dick if he expects them to keep sharing.

Sure. demonstrating the point I was making.

Schools and social.services have far more important things to do.then pander to this,there are whole families living in one room,
Kids being neglected and not being fed ,they have neither the time.or the resources to be bothered by this.

Right back at you.

It’s not ideal but my dc regularly share a bed through choice (all three in a king size and all aged 13-17). 17 yo is less regular with sleep overs with her sisters because she’s out a lot. Dtds share a bed most weekends. If they were sharing a single bed that would be different but I think you’re looking for an issue the boys don’t see and putting thoughts in their minds.

This sounds like a situation that is less than ideal, but nowhere near bad enough to justify stopping overnight stays with Dad. OP, did your younger DS raise the bed issue unprompted or only complain about trouble sleeping when you raised the subject of beds with him?

I totally get how tricky this situation is, and your concerns as the boys grow are completely valid. Wanting them to have proper beds and a good night’s sleep is not unreasonable—it’s about ensuring their basic comfort and dignity as they get older.
That said, cutting off overnights might be a bit drastic right now. From what you’ve shared, their dad seems committed and consistent, which is so valuable. Many kids would love a parent who shows up regularly, even if the living space isn’t ideal.
It’s easy to feel frustrated that he hasn’t resolved this yet, especially if he had a good settlement to work with. But being self-employed can be unpredictable, particularly post-pandemic or during tough economic times. Sometimes even with the best intentions, things don’t go as planned, and he might just be overwhelmed or stuck in survival mode.
Maybe it could help to approach this as a shared challenge instead of setting a strict deadline. For instance, you could say something like, “The boys are growing and finding the current setup tough—I want to support their relationship with you, so let’s brainstorm ways to make the space more comfortable.”
Would he consider bunk beds or fold-out wall beds? A little creativity and compromise can make a big difference in small spaces. Even if he’s not open to it right away, planting the idea gently might work better than giving an ultimatum.
From an emotional perspective, having stability and time with both parents is so important for kids. If your older son seems okay and your younger one is just having some trouble sleeping, maybe small adjustments like improved bedding, blackout curtains, or earplugs could help in the short term while giving their dad time to figure things out.
Honestly, I sometimes feel that Mumsnet can be a bit harsh on fathers, even those who are doing their best in tough situations. It doesn’t always seem like the most neutral platform for balanced perspectives on shared parenting.

I wouldn’t worry about it. My DP is in his thirties and grew up in Ireland with a LOT of siblings. He shared a double bed with 3 brothers the entire time he lived at home. It was fine, none of them are mentally scarred, all perfectly well adjusted adults who are doing very well in life. In an ideal world yes their own beds would be great but nothing bad will happen if they have to share.

This nails it, I expect it’s really to do with finances

yes that’s fine where there is a choice

another matter entirely when it’s forced upon them

my twins regularly share a bed but they have their own should they want them.

the fact is the dad isn’t living in a hostel and this is “fairly recent” where bed sharing amongst families was common. This is 2025 where the dad got a 6 figure divorce settlement and seemingly doesn’t care about the dignity of his own children

I’ve never seen such a thread but those situations are completely irrelevant to mine. FWIW there have been times where my exh only had the children overnight every 3 weeks and even then sometimes it was only 1 night. EOW and more was always encouraged by me. I’d be supportive of him having them more but even the current arrangement he claims is “too much travelling around” and stops him paying maintenance because he “can’t take enough work on” because if he works more he “won’t be able to have them as much”. So, you bet I resent the implication that I am attempting to stop contact for no good reason. I used to bend over backwards for him to see the kids when he wanted but I wised up to it when he started letting them down.