To think overnights at their dads will have to stop soon?

[cadburyegg]

I share two boys age 10 and 7 with my ex husband. He lives in a 1 bed flat and has done since the break up. He has the children EOW and every Monday night. When they are there they sleep in his bed and he sleeps on a camp bed in the living room. This was fine to start with, when we broke up they were 5 and 2 so no issue but as they are getting older it’s playing on my mind that they need their own beds really.

I bought him out of the house 2 years ago and we got a financial clean break. My solicitor said I was very generous with the settlement he got (6 figures) but we live in a pricy area and my exh doesn’t have a high income, so I wanted him to have a decent deposit which would hopefully enable him to buy somewhere suitable for when the children stay with him. That hasn’t happened, and since then he’s gone self employed and doesn’t earn much (as far as I can tell - CMS say he doesn’t have to pay maintenance).

I have told exh that he needs to sort proper beds for the children if they are to carry on staying there. I’ve suggested the beds that zip together but can detach which would mean they would have separate beds. He won’t consider it and said he can’t get more beds and can’t move yet.

AIBU to say they won’t be able to stay there when ds10 starts secondary? Or can they carry on like they are for a few more years? Ds10 said he doesn’t mind but ds7 says he has trouble sleeping there. I am stressing a bit because if the overnights stop I am going to have to change childcare arrangements or possibly even find another job….

Some thoughts please?

Why am I being ridiculous?

My same sex DC had their own rooms and own beds but chose to room hop and share beds until the oldest was about 13. When your sons are unhappy with the arrangement they will probably make their feelings known.

Also, even if they aren't particularly happy with the situation they might still prefer that to not staying over with their dad.

That's just something you have made up.in your head
The Op.has made no mention of abuse why would you?

If you think having separate beds prevents abuse, that's a ridiculous notion. And why would you thoughts even go to that when 2 siblings share

Don’t be so silly!

OP, it sounds like you have an agenda

I'm surprised at these responses. I think that your Ex is a CF, TBH. He got a six figure settlement and he can't get the boys a bed each. Pathetic. As for the people saying 'there are whole families living in one room', that is very sad, but is absolutely no excuse for this situation.

No, don't buy beds for them.

It's up to your ex how he manages his weekends with his children.

I'm certain that there will come a time when they start saying that they don't want to share a bed. Then that's up to him to manage. Not your problem OP unless they're saying that it is - in which case I'd say that it's something that they need to discuss with their father.

I'd bow out of it - again, not your problem.

How would you feel if he started enquiring into your domestic arrangements?

Not sure where you got that from. I’ll have to rearrange my entire life if they stop staying at their dads and it would also mean I never get any time to myself, but sure, it must mean I have an agenda

Leave him to it. I’d expect visits to drop when they become teens and want privacy, friends , gfs are more important

Have you asked your younger DS why he thinks he's having trouble sleeping at his dad's? Is it anything to do with sharing a bed? I would have thought there's plenty of space at their ages. They should say to dad if they think separate beds, or maybe separate duvets, would be better.

You’re thinking of meddling, hence my comments

Lord forgive a parent being concerned about the wellbeing of their own child 🙄

Because shes concerned about her children's welfare, her 7yr old has expressed discomfort about sleeping at his dad's house and sharing beds for their ages is not appropriate.
She's their parent, she has the right to question something she thinks is wrong, just like the father is entitled to do the same.

Im really shocked at how many posters think this is fine and think I am being silly or ridiculous or even making aomwthing up in my head when I have quite extensive experience in similar situations.
Child on child sexual abuse IS a thing that unfortunately happens (more than you'd think) and is why there a reason guidelines on bed sharing.

You are assuming that the father isn't concerned with their child's wellbeing. No evidence of this.

As I've said, the contact visits are for their father to organise, it's up to him. I'd stay well out of it otherwise you could be accused of interfering.

Exactly!!! Have you watched the news recently regarding homelessness. I work in a local authority. We have families in one bedroom flats. No one is going to worry about a dad, having his two boys and the sharing of a room or bed. Some of you need to look outside your middle class bubbles and see what is really happening out there. I’m not saying it’s right but it’s reality.

For goodness same there is absolutely no evidence of child on child sexual abuse apart from in YOUR head I find it really concerning that you are trying to turn a very normal situation into something sinister.

Im concerned that the potential risk is not being addressed, its not normal or appropriate for siblings this age to be made to share a bed, children deserve privacy as well.
People dismissing this concern are the ones that have a problem, get yourself heads out of the sand for your children's sake.

You are planning for a future problem which is fair given you are their mother and care about your children. Their lives with their dad will unfold whichever way it does and if he is savvy enough he will realize that the sleeping arrangement isn’t sustainable for very many more years and then if he wants to keep seeing his boys, he will have to make a plan. If his relationship with the kids is good enough they will figure it out on their own and use their own voices without you having to speak for them.

Your just making stuff up.to suit your very weird agenda .

Honestly, I think that yanbu

If he was hard up because he was trying to support you living in the house with the kids, then you would be

But you gave him a decent settlement and hes just squandering the money on himself

Yanbu and were too generous imo, but that's done now x

I think social services are busy enough. What a complete waste of their time this would be.

@TomatoSandwiches you appear to have your own very troubling agenda. I wouldn’t dream of trespassing on your own private distress or experience but I would suggest you step away from this thread which does appear to be triggering you.

My son's would rather share a bed together than be on an air bed.
The father isn't sleeping with them, they are the same sex- a large pillow down the middle, it isn't much different to sharing a box room- my sister and I couldn't walk between our beds.

What???