My daughter asked me if she’s pretty

[GirlMumof2]

My nine year old asked me if she is pretty and I didn’t know how to respond. Of course she is beautiful to me and I do think that she is objectively pretty, but I don’t want to encourage her to think about her appearance too much.
My mum was a raging narcissist who constantly talked about her weight and appearance, so I make an effort to focus on more important things with my own kids.I told her that yes she is pretty but that that is the least most important thing about her and that she is smart and funny and kind. She seemed to accept my answer but I’m worried that her preoccupation with the way she looks is only going to increase as she gets older. How do I ensure that she has healthy self esteem without making too much of a fuss about her appearance?

“Bloomin gorgeous. Now, get your shoes on and let’s go for a dog walk”

Don’t make a big deal out of it
Then it becomes a “thing”

Don’t let her on Instagram or TikTok.

You just say, well I think you’re gorgeous. And you’re so kind and funny as well…….
Then move on to something else.

You’re making it a ‘thing’!!

I like this 😂

My mother always had a hang up about her weight, if I could go back in time I'd tell her she was fine as she was

Her “preoccupation”

op… she asked her mum if she’s pretty
once

Your really making it a thing.

I would explain to her (kindly) that it's not considered polite to fish for compliments.

Tell her she’s gorgeous. Often. As well as telling her all the other things that are great about her. Girls need their mums to build them up because the world is quick to knock us down.

Ignore

Do you have children @Magicality ?

Yes, but you’re beautiful on the inside which is far more important

Ridiculous! Of course you can ask your own mum FFS.

It’s totally normal for a child to ask this, don’t overthink your response as others have said. A resounding yes followed by a bit of broader thought is all that’s needed.

I was worried about this op and always praises DD for thier hard work etc but it's also really important to tell girls they are beautiful a lot of issues come conversely from that lack of belief and confidence

If she’s feeling insecure then having validation from a parent is much healthier than seeking it elsewhere.

I would have replied ‘You are so so pretty!’

i totally understood your fear op. My parents were both obsessed with physical appearance and that impacted on me and my sibs.

but saying she is pretty is very different to this.

I read this in the voice of Maggie Smith’s character from Downton Abbey.

She may well not be fishing for compliments, she may just be questioning her attractiveness or looking for reassurance. Really not the time to be putting her down.

My mother and father never told me I was pretty. I was pretty but also had a bit of puppy fat. I grew up believing I wasn't attractive or pretty at all. It's only when I look back at pictures I can see that I was very pretty. I wish my parents would have told me. Not to make out I was the most beautiful creature in the world, but just to assure me that I was attractive as well as smart, funny etc. They never did say that and as a result I thought I must not be nice to look at.

My younger sister they used to coo over and she still has her portrait on the wall (no one ever made a portrait of me).

You tell her she is beautiful as well as all her other fantastic qualities, without a doubt.

I tell my daughter she is pretty, funny, clever all the time. I want her to be secure in her appearance, as I am sure there are many times people will try and knock her down.

This has brought back a memory for me of a 9 year old me asking my mum if I were pretty and my mum laughed and refused to answer. I assumed that she didn't want to tell me that I was not pretty. I felt ugly for years until I stopped caring what she thought. For goodness sakes, just say yes.

Hmm. I actually it’s quite useful for parents to tell growing girls that they are lovely, gorgeous and special, as well as clever and kind, otherwise they are then rather susceptible to the first man who comes along and gives them some personal compliments. No young woman was ever seduced by a man just telling her that she is clever and kind.

I realise that this doesn’t challenge our sexist and looks-focused society but it already exists and is even more of an issue these days due to social media.