My daughter asked me if she’s pretty

[GirlMumof2]

My nine year old asked me if she is pretty and I didn’t know how to respond. Of course she is beautiful to me and I do think that she is objectively pretty, but I don’t want to encourage her to think about her appearance too much.
My mum was a raging narcissist who constantly talked about her weight and appearance, so I make an effort to focus on more important things with my own kids.I told her that yes she is pretty but that that is the least most important thing about her and that she is smart and funny and kind. She seemed to accept my answer but I’m worried that her preoccupation with the way she looks is only going to increase as she gets older. How do I ensure that she has healthy self esteem without making too much of a fuss about her appearance?

In my eyes, my daughters were the most beautiful girls ever to walk the earth. Don’t most people feel that way about their children? Tell your daughter she’s pretty for goodness sake.

What's wrong with being pretty? She is, and you think she is, and you love her, so just say it.

You already explained that it's what's inside that counts and people's heart and brain and character are much more important than looks.

It's perfectly normal for little girls to want to be pretty and it's all really innocent.

Oh I love that. My daughter is never more beautiful than when she's covered in dirt or sand from playing outside and I've always told her that - it's an indication that she's been having the best fun. I always loved collecting her from nursery in the summer when she would be all dirty and sticky from suncream and would conk out asleep early from lovely, slow summer tiredness. She's 10 now and I still love it, and I'd like to think I'm doing something right on that score as she's so un-self-conscious in comparison to some of her friends at even this age. When she's a bit more dressed up I always tell her I love her look or her style but I don't really make any distinction on when I tell her she's beautiful or pretty or cute. I've also bigged up a lot of things that I know children can become self-conscious about very easily and very quickly - freckles, smiling with her teeth showing, distinguishing marks. It would be heartbreaking for her to start covering up her beaming toothy smile with the closed-lip-half-smile.

There is a line though between encouraging her to enjoy herself outside and not fearing being dirty, and knowing when she has to be presentable and making sure she keeps brushing her teeth 😅 But she is the most beautiful little thing in the world and I would never not tell her that. She seems fine and comfortable with who she is for now, and I would so love for that to be the case in the years ahead. If I didn't tell her she was beautiful or pretty then as a PP said - where would that leave her when someone did compliment her in that sense and it was a new and novel thing?

Beauty has always been power. It’s been currency for hundreds of years. I wouldn’t hesitate to tell my daughter she’s beautiful, no caveats, no comments on character, just yes, you’re pretty.

If she can't ask her own mother, who can she ask? She's not fishing for compliments, ffs, she's asking her mum if she's pretty.

I think by wondering if she’s pretty ‘objectively‘ and thus implicitly considering if you’re telling the truth, you help to perpetuate the false idea of what pretty is. I agree with those who suggest you just say to her she is pretty all the time—don’t wait for her to ask. Of course you also praise all her other qualities. Though I get the ‘pretty what?’ Idea (it’s a bit cutsie for me), the issue with that is that other people talk about ‘pretty’ and it just sounds as though you’re avoiding it because you don’t think they’re good looking by external standards.

If you tell your children they’re beautiful all the time then their idea of what is beautiful encompasses all that they are. Having a child with a visible facial abnormality I can say it’s really important to tell them they’re beautiful, pretty, cute etc etc because it gives them a rock solid sense of security in their looks as not something that is judged by external standards.

She's a child starting to develop her identity and looking to her mum for reassurance and validation. Mate.

Your hesitation and struggling to respond is exactly what will make it a “thing.”
She will be wondering why you had to think about it, it will read like you’re lying and trying to find a diplomatic answer. Even saying “you are beautiful to me, of course.” I’d think: so you only think I’m beautiful because you’re my mum and have to say that!

answer without hesitation. Telling her she is beautiful/pretty should be second nature. Just as I often tell my sons how handsome they are. It’s not the only compliment they hear, but it’s an important one.

Wanting to feel/look pretty or at least be assured you aren’t hideous and have a base level of confidence in your appearance does not make you a narcissist. It’s a normal part of the human experience.

My dd is one of the traffic stopping beautiful people and it’s actually brought her a lot of unhappiness and unwanted attention. But despite my feminist values it would be churlish for me not to acknowledge how stunning she is. We actually are quite a piss taking family so she (and her siblings) get a lot of ‘grounding’ and we equally celebrate her other qualities - how kind and intelligent she is.

We have also taught them that what the world might value, we as a family love them no matter what. So her beauty is acknowledged as a ‘thing’ but as of no import to us. We joke about her using her pretty privilege to get us a good table when go to a restaurant (and you’d be amazed at how often she does!) But if she were to lose her looks overnight, she’d be no less valuable to us.

I think this mix of acknowledging the different qualities of all our DC has meant that they’ve all grown into self aware young adults with healthy self esteem. So yes, she’s pretty, but she knows that’s only one amazing aspect of her.

I was never told I was pretty growing up and it massively affected my self esteem. Which lead to me getting into the wrong relationships because my self esteem was so low. Only now in my 40s ive finally built a bit of confidence for myself.

I make it a point to tell my children how beautiful they are all of the time. I also stress how smart, funny, kind etc... they are too.

The fact that your child has had to ask you, are they pretty? Shows she doesn't feel it. And you struggled to tell her, yes?? God I hate parents like you!

To be honest, children/teenagers aren't silly and they tend to assume that the majority of parents tell their kids they're pretty etc anyway.

They're far more inclined to believe what unbiased people think of their looks.

That's what'll do the damage if any is to be done.

How do I ensure that she has healthy self esteem without making too much of a fuss about her appearance?

You will wreck her self-esteem if you constantly ignore or downplay her appearance. She can test and understand her own intelligence quite easily but appearance is different and requires observation from others. Your focus shouldn’t be on tearing down your daughter in any way, including trying to humble her about her looks. She’s only nine, asking innocent questions. Don’t make things more than they are and cause damage because of your own insecurities.

It was the opposite for me. Strangers told me I was pretty/beautiful all the time and I never believed them because my family never said anything like that about me. I thought they were just being polite by saying those things but didn’t actually mean them. My family focused on my intelligence/academics, which I could see for myself and didn’t really need more focus on.

Like @InBedBy10 , it led me to have low self-esteem and in my case avoid relationships when I was younger because I assumed that I wasn’t attractive enough to be in a relationship.

I am average looking. I grew up thinking I was beautiful because my parents told me frequently I was beautiful and that is my inner voice. Sometimes they were gushing, sometimes casual. But the compliments were frequent and sincere. Crucially, they made a point to compliment my intelligence and how helpful and kind I was too. The words your parents use can be so powerful.

You’re thinking too hard about this OP. Yes you’re gorgeous, you have lovely X and lovely X. Give her a boost. She will realise as she grows that there are other wonderful aspects of our being beyond looks. But trying to convince yourself that her ONLY focusing on her personality and abilities is a pipe dream. We’re human, it’s how we think.

And your complete avoidance of telling her she is pretty will tell her you think she is ugly.
No reason why you can't say 'you are gorgeous, and funny and clever and kind etc.' without avoiding mentioning looks.
Almost all people at some point in their lives have a bit of anxiety over their looks and need reassurance, it isn't A Bad Thing, to want to feel attractive (in fact it is very damaging to constantly feel unnattractive), feeling attractive doesn't eliminate being clever or kind or funny or whatever, it doesn't take precedence over those things, but it is a nice feeling if your parents think you are all of the above.
I can never understand the thinking, from people who wouldn;t hesitate to tell a friend 'you look great today, or that hairdo is lovely, that dress is lovely on you' but angst over giving their child a compliment.
telling your child he or she is pretty won't damage her, giving her some weird right on speil so you don't have to say she's pretty, will.
If a friend asked you if they looked nice and you said 'You are kind. clever funny, smart etc' instead of saying 'yes you look fabulous' you'd think they were a total loon.

Give your kid asmany compliments as you can on every aspect of their being. because they will ineveitably come up against people who are more beautiful, cleverer, kinder,funnier, wealthier, more successful than them in their life, and giving them a solid base of confidence in every aspect of themselves, will let them be totally at peace with life's inequalities.

I grew up with my mum telling me I was an ugly bug.. I wasn’t.. but she loved to put me in my place!

id take the advice of the other poster say you are bumming gorgeous and move on. It just sounds less vain.

This reminds of the time I was about your DD age. I was with my mum and I must have been having a similar conversation and I remember thinking I was a bit pretty at the time and maybe I came across as I bit cocky ( I will never know ) being quite a shy child I don’t think I was though. Anyway all I remember is that my mum made feel dreadful as she said there were very few beautiful people in the world. I remember feeling internally devastated. I used to play the conversation in my head.
i have always had insecurity issues.
please tell your DD she is beautiful/ pretty/ amazing etc giving your daughter confidence is everything.

Your mother sounds like my narc abusive mother who was obsessed with image and especially putting mine down, I have always felt the same on not focussing on looks, however I tell my DDs all the time how beautiful they are, along with talented, smart, funny, loving and so on. Don’t hold back on telling her she’s beautiful otherwise you’re more like your mother than you want to be. And more importantly she’s still controlling you because of it.

my DDs are into the trending skin care and beauty stuff, I tell them they are beautiful without it but don’t restrict them, beyond appropriate levels ( too young for certain things) but if they buy themselves I won’t complain. I want them to be confident and open with me, I dread they fear being anything other than open with me, I could never trust my own mother and don’t want that for my DDs.

Agree with pp who said it's normal for little girls to want to be pretty. I think it's a non-issue, it's far more damaging imho when parents are overly focused on how a child looks and on perceived flaws. I still struggle in middle age with my self-image because my parents were excessively focused on how fat I supposedly was, which when I look back on old photos I realise I actually wasn't - they just had (and my mum still has) a distorted image of what constitutes fat.

I assumed I was really unattractive, had a hang up for years about it and still
do to an extent. I picked up on my mother’s aversion to me, for some reason she never thought I was pretty, and certainly not compared to my sister. When I look back at photos of me I’m surprised as I actually was very cute and pretty as a little girl. I don’t know what the hell was going on with my mum. I wish she had thought of me as gorgeous and instilled that belief in me. They only ever used to call me clever.

Funnily enough an over-emphasis on kind can also be damaging for girls. There's nothing wrong with being kind, it's definitely a desirable thing, but over-emphasis probably plays a role in gendered socialisation.

Always say yes even if they aren’t objectively pretty. She doesn’t need to be told she’s the most stunning girl in the word but when asked directly you say of course you’re pretty, you’re also x,y.z….

I was constantly told I was pretty as a child “all the boys are going to be after you when you’re older” type thing 🤢

It did make me feel a bit like being pretty and slim were the most important things.

When my DDs have asked me things about their appearance I usually say something like “of course you’re pretty, and you’re clever and kind and healthy”.
I think the most important thing is day to day attitude though, don’t criticise your own or anyone else’s looks, praise other women and your DD for things other than appearance “she’s such a great singer” instead of “she’s so gorgeous” for example

Or you just say yes...