My daughter asked me if she’s pretty

[GirlMumof2]

My nine year old asked me if she is pretty and I didn’t know how to respond. Of course she is beautiful to me and I do think that she is objectively pretty, but I don’t want to encourage her to think about her appearance too much.
My mum was a raging narcissist who constantly talked about her weight and appearance, so I make an effort to focus on more important things with my own kids.I told her that yes she is pretty but that that is the least most important thing about her and that she is smart and funny and kind. She seemed to accept my answer but I’m worried that her preoccupation with the way she looks is only going to increase as she gets older. How do I ensure that she has healthy self esteem without making too much of a fuss about her appearance?

I always tell my kids they’re beautiful (they are) but I also tell them how someone looks is the least important thing about them.

@AmyDudley I’m only talking from my own personal experience, growing up (and I’m not suggesting I’m special because I don’t doubt this happens with loads of children!), I always used to get told how pretty I was, strangers would stop my parents in the street to tell them, and as I got older sadly I felt like it was a massively important thing to maintain. Even as a teen and adult people would say snarkily “oh it’s a good job you’re pretty”, “you’d be dangerous if you had a brain”, things like this. Despite the fact that I was a bright child who performed well academically, the focus was always on me being “pretty”. I’m a senior manager now for a large company and I suffer with awful imposter syndrome because sometimes I feel like that’s all I had to offer growing up, so yes it may feel extreme but I don’t want my daughter to value looks over the things that really matter. So yes of course I’ll still call her “gorgeous girl” and “beautiful baby”, just like I do now, but if she’s asking me as a direct question then I’m going to steer her towards the areas that actually matter! Just my opinion anyway, I don’t mind who agrees/disagrees with me, we are responsible for raising our own children after all 😊

Same. I always tell my daughter this

Are you the dowager duchess?

Watch yourself OP! Why did she have to ask? You are in danger of making a thing of it by not praising her. You are not your mother! Give DD a kiss and tell her she’s gorgeous. Often. Tell her you’re proud of her, the way she gets herself organised for school, is a good friend, helpful, keeps going when her homework is tough, whatever !

Yeah it doesn't really answer her question otherwise. It could come over like trying to say no without saying no.

Exactly.

I would brush it off. Vanity is not an attractive quality.

When Diana Manners, one of the stunning beauties of her age, asked her Nanny something similar on her wedding day, the brisk reply was 'don't be silly dear. No one will be looking at you. '

I tell both my DS’s they are the most gorgeous boys in the whole world every day 🤣 YES tell her she’s pretty!!

Why if she asks you if she is pretty can;t you say 'yes you are, and you are also, cever, funny, kind, intuitive, etc.'? Why does it have to be one or the other?

You were told you were pretty when you were groing up and told you couldn;t be clever, can you not see that you are doing the same thing in reverse?
When I was growing up I as never told I was pretty. I assumed I must be ugly, in much later years going through some old photos, I found one of a slim attractive teenager and asked family member 'who's this?' it was me, I couldn;t even recognise myself because the idea I was ugly was so fixed. I'm old now and most of my life I have never trusted anyone telling me I was attractive I thought they must be lying and then wondered what their motive must be. I took therapy for me to be able to learn to accept a compliment for what it was. I wish I could have enjoyed my young attractive years, but because people decided it wasn;t important to tell me I looked nice or was pretty, I didn't.

Obviously tell your DD she is clever and wonderful in all kinds of ways, but don;t deflect when she asks if she's pretty, you don't have to neglect that part of self esteem in order to make your point that you consider other things to be more important. Compliments that make children feel secure and build thier self worth can have equal importance, you don;t have to rank them, your DD can enjoy them all.

The Nanny sounds delightful 😐

I was a pretty little girl and my mother never told me I was pretty, because she thought that would teach me that being pretty was important. Instead, it taught me that I must not be pretty, and I felt like an “other” compared to little girls who were obviously pretty. Like I was obviously very different from them and they wouldn’t like or understand me.

Yep, my mum was totally preoccupied with her looks which was really toxic. I'm doing my best not to project my childhood hangups on my daughter but of course I want her to be confident and feel pretty.

Do people not think there's a whole expanse of grey in between never telling a girl she's pretty and only telling a girl she's pretty? What happened to balance? Why don't some people want want their daughters to feel pretty or beautiful? It doesn't have to mean that her whole worth is wrapped up in it or that she can't feel worthwhile in other ways also but some on to fuck, who doesn't like to feel good and maybe a bit pretty even if it's just relative to themselves? Why wouldn't you want that for your daughter too? Why on earth would you just refuse point blank to answer a direct question from a little girl who wants to fit in to the society she lives in? There are many years afterwards where children will have the cognitive abilities to understand society on a deeper level but jesus, we're talking pre-teen little girls here.

Pretty: For My Daughter - a poem by Anne Marie Brown 💕

They tell me you’re pretty,
I tell them you’re strong.
Pretty smart, pretty kind,
that you know right from wrong.

I hope that you’ll grow up
to love your own life
as a woman, a mother,
a boss or a wife.

That you’ll look in the mirror
and say “Girl, that’s me!”
Whether dressed up or down,
you’ll feel free just to be.

I hope you’ll know wonder,
the width of the world.
You should try different hairstyles,
but still like your own curls.

I want you to travel,
with friends or alone,
but know that you’ll always
have space here at home.

That you’ll keep your hand skyward,
and raise up your voice,
and know that no problem
has only one choice.

That you’ll love your own body
as it changes and grows,
and know no one defines you -
that you’ll see how you glow.

All this I wish for you,
my sweet, brilliant girl.

Just remember you’re pretty-
pretty much my whole world.

@AmyDudley absolutely, which is why I did say in my response that I already call her gorgeous girl and beautiful baby every single day and will always do this, my son is nearly two and I still refer to him as handsome boy at least three times a day. I want this to be a given, however if she’s asking as a direct question I want to draw her attention to everything else as well. Me calling her beautiful girl everyday will take away any notion at all that she might not be!

@RubyJack that’s such a wonderful poem!

Just say “of course you are” and then talk about something else.

I tell my daughter she is gorgeous / beautiful / so pretty alllll the time

she is

i was never told that and suffered low self esteem

I will always tell her

i do tell her how smart funny and tenacious she is several times a day too

i remember crying to Mum one day saying I was ugly. She made me stand in the mirror and show her here where. I pointed to all the things and she countered my arguments with a positives. I’ll never forget that. I was actually kind of ugly (I don’t think I am now) but that really made me feel so much better. No real point to my comment to be honest, just made me remember. But yes you can always tell her she’s pretty if she asks or not. And also tell her how clever, kind, strong etc she is when suitable too. One doesn’t negate the other .

I know one person who won’t tell her kid she’s pretty because, ya know feminism. That kid is going to have some issues I’m sure

When I was a young teenager, I asked my mother if I was pretty. She said, 'You're alright in your own way'. I've never forgotten how hurt I felt at the time, and how much it went on to affect my self-esteem.

Don't be like my mother.

Maybe your mother was preoccupied with her looks because her mother never told her she was pretty!?

I’ve noticed some women who were beautiful children retain a lifelong confidence even if their beauty doesn’t endure. Late bloomers, who were plain or unattractive girls, sometimes never believe they’ve attractive. Beauty is more than your face & static body. although insta makes us think so, it’s poise, grace, intelligence, kindness, wit, flair & charisma.

What a fucking bitch.

Christ, what kind of mother doesn't tell their child how wonderful they are in EVERY way on a daily basis?! Oh yes, my mother. That's who. As a result I grew up with various complexes about my appearance and self-worth (essentially I never had any). As a result I had some pretty shit relationships because I felt I had to be grateful for any attention, good or bad, as clearly I wasn't worth any. As it happens, looking back I could see there was plenty of attention from decent men but of course I didn't trust them because their attitude didn't fit the narrative I had grown up to believe. I spent so long hating myself. Fuck that.

I've told my daughters they are beautiful many times every day of their lives - but also that they are kind, funny, clever, polite etc. I make it very clear that looks are NOT what is important but I also never let them doubt their loveliness. As a result my pre-teen seems wonderfully unbothered about her attractiveness - she doesn't have to think about it because I've made sure it's ingrained in her.

Presumably it could go either way. If praise appearance as child = narcissistic, shallow adult OR praise appearance as child = confident, well-adjusted adult, I'll take my chances on the second.

The fact she’s asked is probably an indication that you are already projecting your own hangups onto her. Perhaps you are over compensating