My daughter asked me if she’s pretty

[GirlMumof2]

My nine year old asked me if she is pretty and I didn’t know how to respond. Of course she is beautiful to me and I do think that she is objectively pretty, but I don’t want to encourage her to think about her appearance too much.
My mum was a raging narcissist who constantly talked about her weight and appearance, so I make an effort to focus on more important things with my own kids.I told her that yes she is pretty but that that is the least most important thing about her and that she is smart and funny and kind. She seemed to accept my answer but I’m worried that her preoccupation with the way she looks is only going to increase as she gets older. How do I ensure that she has healthy self esteem without making too much of a fuss about her appearance?

You handled it well.

The things you can do to help her are:

Never talk about your body or anybody else’s negativity around her.

Compliment her daily on things other than her appearance. How strong she is for carrying something, how funny she is, how kind she is etc.

Dont let her have social media or unsupervised access to the internet. Have your parental locks on to the max so she has to ask for permission to go on basically all websites/use apps.

I tell my daughter she's beautiful every day. I also tell her she's smart and funny and brave and strong.

It's pretty sad if your own mum won't tell you you're pretty. She shouldn't have to ask.

❤️

God yeah, tell her she’s beautiful without hesitation! Hesitation says a thousand words.

Nothing wrong with being pretty and everyone wants to feel beautiful. Luckily, everyone is beautiful to someone, and the most beautiful people I know aren’t necessarily what you’d think of as stunning, but they have the inner glow and generous spirit that comes from being secure in oneself.

Narcissism isn’t thinking you’re beautiful, it’s a personality disorder!

I think you answered her perfectly OP. You told her she’s pretty but you also told her other far more important qualities she has. That’s exactly what I do with own young daughters.

Well I tell my DD she is gorgeous all the time....as well as clever, funny, kind etc.

Tell her that she is beautiful on the outside, but more importantly on the inside.

I think you've blown this up op, and may affect her confidence by doing so.

Jeez, I can guarantee you’re overthinking it way more than she is.

You are overthinking this. Tell her that she’s beautiful.

My dd is mid twenties and I still tell her often. I tell her that she is intelligent, kind, caring, a great mum, incredible woman and that she’s beautiful. Shes not obsessed by her image in the slightest.

Parents should tell their children that they are beautiful on the inside (smart, kind, funny, brave etc.) and outside everyday.
I sure do.

Well I suggest you DON’T answer it with ‘Don’t be so vain’ which was my mother’s response to me at the same age, asking the same question.

Your response sounds spot on. It's good to reassure her she's beautiful, but also remind her that beauty takes different forms and doesn't always mean you need to look the same as whoever the influencer of the moment is etc. One thing I wish I'd be taught growing up, is to compliment others (not necessarily on appearance, but if they do something helpful for another person etc). It usually makes them smile and encourages you to have a more positive outlook on life. .

I don’t think being told you’re pretty or gorgeous makes you narcissistic, maybe if you’re constantly told you are prettier and better than everyone else it would but there’s a massive difference.

I’ve told both my ds (20)and dd (24) on probably a daily basis that they’re gorgeous, both are happy with their looks, not obsessed and dd rarely wears makeup except on a night out as she’s confident about how she looks.

This. Totally.

I don’t have any kids and I’d never say what Magicality suggested. Childless people aren’t ogres with no clue how to talk to kids.

In this case, the child is 9 years old and asked a direct question (not “fishing”) once. She certainly doesn’t deserve such a response.

I also found it interesting that her mum didn’t think she was ‘objectively’ pretty. I think most young kids under the age of 10 or so look appealing/attractive. Maybe that’s just me though.

Don't overthink it. If she asks, tell her yes. And make a habit every day of noticing and praising her for her good qualities - any time she shows care, perseverance, thoughtfulness, effort, skill, kindness etc, tell her you saw it and praise her for it.

She won't develop robust self esteem by everyone skirting round the question of whether she's pretty. Tell her she is and move on, but create an environment where her good qualities are consistently praised.

And just in case it needs to be said, make sure you never comment negatively on your own appearance in front of her.

Oh FGS🙄

OP said she does think her daughter is objectively pretty. She is just worried that confirming this to her daughter will result in her placing too much importance on her appearance.

This!

I think I would tell her that yes she is pretty with lovely skin and hair. Also say that its important to do well and try her best. Realistically not everyone is beautiful or clever .Its important that she feels she can achieve . I was totally fascinated at the same age by Golda Meir .The first Woman prime Minister of Israel .I clearly remember asking DM ,if she thought there would ever be a Woman PM of UK."I dont know ,but I shouldnt think so" she said. 10 years before Thatcher!

You always tell her "of course, you are the most beautiful girl!". What else could you do?

If she’s 9 and asking the question it implies someone else has told her she is not pretty.

In my experience people who are obsessed with selfies/make up/hair/etc are those who deep down don’t think they are pretty not those who have been raise to be confident in how they look.

I know plenty of teenage girls plastered in
make up and fake tan, posting underwear selfies on public Instagram accounts so that strangers will tell them they are pretty.

We have always told both our children (boy and girl) that they are gorgeous. They don’t need external validation from
strangers.

My little girl is only a week old and I’m already thinking about this conversation coming up 😂 I’ve decided I’m going to answer with “pretty what? Pretty smart, yes! Pretty kind, yes! Pretty strong, yes! Pretty funny, yes!” And so on, and I’m going to tell her that those things make a person truly beautiful, not just pretty! I know it sounds really cheesy so don’t shoot me 🙈 I’m just sharing my thoughts

Oh this is sad OP - I expect you have caused more of the problem you were trying to solve.

I would have just told her than of course, she’s beautiful, she has lovely eyes/hair/smile and moved on - you have made it into a “thing” now.

My niece is 7 and very much in the wanting to be pretty phase - thankfully she doesn’t seem to be lacking any confidence in that department and tells me confidently that she has the most beautiful hair in her whole school because it is long like a princess (it’s down to her ankles!).

I think it's a nice thing to tell your kids they're pretty or handsome or they look nice. I don't remember being told I was pretty at all. I remember my parents commenting on my weight (never bigger than size 12 as a teen) and talking about women's figures. My older brother always had younger and very skinny girlfriends (right into adulthood) and they always praised their beauty or figures. Quite gross really. I used to feel so awkward listening to it.

I was 'clever' or 'grown up'. Not 'pretty'. We have to be careful about giving our kids labels. Saying they're pretty one day and praising kindness or creativity or achievement is good and balanced.

I realised when I was an older teen that I seem to be attractive to men, but I never really felt confident in my appearance.

My mum is very conservative and sometimes commented negatively on my clothes etc. I had a skirt I loved that she called tarty.

I've never worn a bikini in my life and kind of wish I'd enjoyed being young and attractive more sometimes, now I'm fat and fifty.

My son seems to have good self esteem despite issues with bullying and having autism so hoping I am doing ok with him. I often tell him he looks good when he's put something new on or had a haircut or whatever. I think it's important.

Just tell her she looks nice and pretty now and again along with praising her other qualities. She won't turn into a vain numpty because of it. The tik tok and Instagram selfie culture does that more!