My daughter asked me if she’s pretty

[GirlMumof2]

My nine year old asked me if she is pretty and I didn’t know how to respond. Of course she is beautiful to me and I do think that she is objectively pretty, but I don’t want to encourage her to think about her appearance too much.
My mum was a raging narcissist who constantly talked about her weight and appearance, so I make an effort to focus on more important things with my own kids.I told her that yes she is pretty but that that is the least most important thing about her and that she is smart and funny and kind. She seemed to accept my answer but I’m worried that her preoccupation with the way she looks is only going to increase as she gets older. How do I ensure that she has healthy self esteem without making too much of a fuss about her appearance?

It's a minefield, and I suspect whatever you do, you'll get it wrong in some way.

I got bullied in school for being ugly. I remember asking my mum if I was pretty. She paused and said:"you've got nice eyes. " wtf? Looking back at old primary photos, I would say that out of all of us, only one is 'pretty'. I would be classed as 'attractive'. In her defence, I think my mum was probably autistic, so honesty came first!

With my own dd, I've always gone for the 'you're so clever the way you do...' or 'that outfit/ makeup looks really nice'. But if she asked me directly, I would just say yes. Mainly because I'd be wondering who'd told her she wasn't.

And I guarantee the message a child would get from that would be that she is not pretty @twobabiesandapup

Congratulations on your baby. Don't overthink. Just say yes! Balance is everything isn't it. I'm sure you'll tell her she's kind and smart and whatever too.

I like Phillipa Perry's book on parenting. It's interesting.

This! My son asked me the same question a week ago. I said ofcourse you are. He wanted to know because he didn't know whether he would have a girlfriend in the future in case he wasn't handsome.

The problem is in out Insta, shallow world, prettiness is power. From being ‘Mary in the school play’ at 6 to going out with the best looking boys to the workplace. An unfortunate haircut & spots at a sensitive age can lead to a lifetime of under confidence. It really shouldn’t matter & character, spark & fun should. Does she do any sports? Those that were the sporty kids seem to often grow to the enviable happy-go-lucky type.

I think your answer was great.

I've always told DS and DD (in passing) that they are good looking. I've also praised them for more important qualities (kindness, hard work, intelligence etc). Also made sure to mention that good looks weren't actually important, although obviously it's nice to have them.

I've never commented on other people's appearances in front of the kids, in either a positive or negative way. There is no reason to, and the kids don't need to think that people go around judging the appearance of others.

Looks are an important part of us so no need to play it down.

Its not the be all and end all but lets not play down the fact that we live in a society where appearance is important and will reflect on certain career paths, social standing and in forming relationships with the opposite sex, whether we like it or not!

I actually grew up with the opposite - was constantly valued for my work and character and it gave me massive hangups.
So i compliment my DC on their looks every day. shrug

OP I think you dealt with it well. Unfortunately, in the world we currently live in, it’s inevitable that they start thinking about these things. The most important thing is that they know they can talk to you about how they are feeling and get reassurance that way.

I’d rather just be told I was pretty if I asked! If someone answered like this I would think they are avoiding the question and I must not be pretty. Maybe that isn’t the right thing but that’s how I would feel.

What 'preoccupation'?

The kid asked a question that's all.

If she ever does become preoccupied then you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

Having said that, if you're one of these parents who's been posting her photos on social media most of her life, I'm sure you can understand where she's got it from.

Ah, ok, cheers. I read that wrong. 👍

There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling children they're beautiful or pretty or handsome or anything else about their appearance. As usual society has went off a cliff with this one - there is a difference between not tying a girl's entire worth to her appearance, and never telling her she looks nice, lovely, pretty. You don't need to add qualifications to it either, she'll pick up on that - nobody adds qualifications to someone being funny or smart. Just don't only ever tell her she's pretty.

Your answer was perfect, but dont project your own concerns and experiences growing up onto her - asking you once does not constitute a ‘preoccupation’. Even if she asks it more times - the answer is yes every time, ‘youre bloody gorgeous, of course you are. Right what are we making for dinner?’

Then of course at other times praise her kindness or her courage or her creativity or her physical abilities or whatever else - and give lots of opportunities to develop and shine in those areas too.

The world is shallow and preoccupied with looks and it’s only getting worse with social media. ‘iPhone/ instagram face’ and an increasingly narrow and artificial range for what is considered acceptable/ attractive. But you not telling your daughter she’s pretty isn’t going to change that - nor is not expecting her to notice it or respond to it.

It’s a minefield and I’m dreading it as my own DD gets older. I’m hoping to take that approach - lots of praise for all the wonderful things about her, lots of support and encouragement for interests and hobbies, lots of exposure to a wide range of people and role models, keeping off social media as long as we can possibly manage. Whether or not it will work remains to be seen.

I grew up feeling not pretty, that my body was ‘wrong’ (fat although looking back I wasn’t, particularly) and less than. No matter how much praise and encouragement I got for being clever, academic, creative, kind etc - that feeling has never really left me and it’s not a legacy I want to pass on to my daughter so I’ll also continue telling her she’s so utterly beautiful, as often as she needs me to.

Oh yes, dismiss & diminish them instead of encouraging a child to be completely transparent, open & vulnerable with their parents, especially as they head into double digits…

I agree with PP that you risk inadvertently passing on your issues with this to her by making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be.
All children will consider their physical appearance and ‘attractiveness’ at some point. It’s completely natural.
I tell mine they are beautiful outside and most importantly, on the inside too.

Why is 'strong' more worthy of praise than 'pretty'? Unless she's weight training as a child, then her levels of strength will be as much down to luck and genetic predisposition as her apprearance. Shying away from telling a child they are pretty is more likely to create problems than reassuring them that they are.

I watched an interesting interview with a child psychologist who recommended telling your children they look pretty/handsome/beautiful all the time but esp when they are muddy, disheveled, covered in snot etc and focusing on effort/effect when they are dressed up by saying 'you look fancy' if they have tried makeup or nail polish or 'that outfit suits you' if they are dressed up.

That gives them a sense that they are inherently beautiful for who they are in their natural state, but recognises the effort made when they focus on their appearance.

I’ve been doing the ‘fancy’ thing too.

Our lovely older neighbour very kindly looked after DD for an hour yesterday - she came back with her hair in some kind of elaborate up do, reeking of perfume and with a very orange lipstick on. I mean I hated it, but I had to go with ‘oooh you look (and smell) so fancy’ 😆

I was never told i was pretty as a child. I dont think my parents were great with compliments like that or maybe thought they way you do. I did get complimented on my sporting acheivements and work.

But plenty of other children called me ugly. Guess what i believed growing up? It really knocked my confidence and self esteem to the extent that when guys started to flirt with me etc i thought they were taking the piss.

I didnt bother dressing 'nicely' because i thought people would make fun. And i refused to be a bridesmaid cause i didnt want to ruin pictures. 🤣 missed out on a few things.

So yes it is important to let her know she is pretty.

No its not the most important thing in the world. And beauty isnt just one look either. But you can compliment everything.

My daughter has never needed to ask me this question as I've have told her (and my son!) that they are gorgeous plenty since they were babies.

Who doesn't tell their lovely children they are gorgeous inside and out

Really? What message do you think that would send to a 9 year old?

Yes, youre so lucky that you are lovely looking and pretty. Always remember though darling, that there are FAR more important things about you than that. Youre also funny and clever and kind and hard working and strong etc etc and I love all those things about you.

Has someone told her she's not pretty, maybe a 'friend' at school? The only answer is of course you're pretty.

It’s unnecessary to say that’s the least important thing about you - just say I think you are pretty but I am so proud you are Xxxx

try and keep messages positive

Feel bad for your kids

This got me in the feels. This was my childhood except it was other girls my mum used to go on about being pretty...never once me. I genuinely thought, and accepted, I was ugly and it affected my confidence for my whole life. My husband says I'm a goddess which I adore him for but I still struggle to believe anyone could find me attractive. I do also believe that how we look is the least important thing about us but to think your parents believe you're ugly is kind of heartbreaking. I tell my kids (girl and boy) all the time that they're gorgeous and they're fully fledged confident adults now and I feel proud that I've broken the cycle.