AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

I had this exact thing and my sister. Except we were the kids. Both probably around 10/11 and at sleepovers. I remember friend going to sleep first and just feeling really scared for some reasons and unable to sleep. Friends mum took my downstairs and gave me milk but I wanted to go home so my mum came and picked me up. I didn't do it every time and am now nearly 40. It's nice as a kid knowing that your parents trusts your feelings and doesn't make you do things you don't want to do. I know kids sometimes don't understand feelings or we think they don't but feeling listened to and supported is big. I'm sure your son will feel more secure doing things knowing that you will be there to support him if he needs it.

I dunno......I think if its an older child there's even more reason to believe them and go without question because they ARE older. How many times on here do we say to OP's "trust your gut"
Obvs you'd go for a littlie because they are a littlie and might just not be coping but if an older child calls they are "trusting their gut" surely? And we should be validating their gut feeling. They might be wrong this time...when we tell an OP to trust their gut, we know...they know...that they might be wrong this time....but they might not.
OP trust your child. Validate your child.

Why is ringing his mum always seen as weakness? Would it be different if it was a DD or he was ringing his dad?

Why is having a voice seen as a weakness, having agency over ones own feelings is the greatest gift we can give our children.

How can we expect our children to stand up for what is right, believe in their own moral compass when if they ask for help we ignore them?

Cross posted but this is what I was trying to say

YANBU

But surely quite a few situations were abuse occurs arent immediately obvious, which is why victims are completely blindsided and abusers get away with it for so long?

I don't really understand your confidence.

Anyways, in this situation the kid was just unhappy.

We always picked up our kids when they asked, no problem, didn't happen too often, actually very happy they felt they could call on us. I think it made them more secure, happy and confident to give new things a try. Certainly made me happier anyway (who would enjoy a night's sleep knowing their kid was unhappy and just leave them to get on with it 😕?).

Each to their own - but I totally agree with the Op's approach.

All these people talking about a 12 year old needing to learn resiliance. He's lost his father not long ago - I'd say that event is one where he will be demonstrating resiliance, many of you won't have got anywhere near having to have, for the rest of his life. Maybe his resiliance reserves for other things are a little low because he is using them up daily on his loss.
But even if these were not his circs, OP without question you did the right thing.
Also I am a bit shocked at your friend who I think is being unreasonable given she knows the wider circs.

@NamechangeRugby I wonder how many cases of child abuse involving a 12 year old have actually happened during a sleepover with a school friend? And if you really feel that even with people
you feel you know well enough to agree to a sleepover you don’t feel confident that they aren’t actually child abusers how do you get through life? Surely that means you wouldn’t feel confident in your child spending time with any adults outside of your own supervision.

Of course if a 12 year old phoned to say they felt unsafe or at risk then that’s an immediate cause for concern but that doesn’t seem to be the case here.

do you not get that its not about the parent feeling confident? I mean should she have said to the child "well I feel confident so you can suck it up"? As for the child, I refer you to the "Trust your gut" thing.

I can’t believe that you are raising 4 kids one of which is an adult and you needed approval from MN to know what’s right to you? It’s one persons opinion. Do you swerve right and left according to what people tell you ?

@godmum56but the issues were that the child was a bit hungry and that their best friend who was also at the sleepover had left. Are these not things that one could reasonably expect a 12 year old to put up with ? I would be surprised that one of mine would find it reasonable at that age to get me out in the middle of the night to collect them. I would also be concerned as to what it meant in the context of being able to cope in challenging situations.

100% would have done the same as you. Sorry for your loss x

I think you're confusing self esteem and confidence. Self esteem is about how you view and or feel about yourself. Being forced to stay at a sleep over you dont want is not self esteem building. Its more likely to cause stress. Now if you want to build your childs confidence, then there's other ways of doing this that don't include forcing them to stay at a sleep over.

Nope, not if they felt strongly enough about it to ask to leave. And people learn to cope in challenging situations by knowing someone has their back.

@godmum56totally agree that really strong bonds of trust with family/ caregivers are key to developing resilience but it is precisely the strength of these bonds that I would hope give children the strength to get through (certainly minor anyway like this one) difficult situations.

I would have gone to get him too, not your friend’s child so not her decision

It's frightening how many parents wouldn't go and pick their kids up from a sleepover if they said they were feeling uncomfortable etc. I totally get that it can be a massive inconvenience and not something they should do every time they encounter something that isn't entirely comfortable. In the case it sounds like the OP knows the family and didn't have any concerns, but you really never know what is going on and I'm fully in agreement that this sets the tone for how supportive you'll be in the future. In all likelihood if she hadn't seen the message or hadn't been in a position to pick him up then he would have gone to sleep and been okay in the morning but it sets a tone.
Additionally the poor child has recently lost their father so it's important to know that their Mum is literally still there.
In summary it's none of your friends business. I would judge her for criticising you and also for being the kind of parent who thinks that this kind of thing builds resilience. In my experience the most resilient kids come from the most supportive backgrounds.
Well done OP for being there when your child needed/wanted you.

YANBU .. I’d of done the same ! If your child needs you and you can be there then why wouldn’t you.?

OP didn’t mention his father’s death until several pages into the thread.

How is the bond strengthened if the child says "Mum come get me" and the mother refuses?

Yanbu at all, and sound like a lovely mum xx

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that you are not mollycoddling your child.
If they feel so uncomfortable at a friend's sleepover and they're so close by I'm not sure what is to be gained by making them stay.

It's not like it's a mandatory thing, or something you've paid money for like a school trip.. they're basically just on a play date, so if they want to come home, they surely can?

I would go get my kid any time if they told me they needed me to. In fact I probably wouldn't be able to get to sleep thinking they weren't happy anyway so it would be easier for both me and the child to just go get them!!

Hearing that his father died recently certainly changes things - of course he might feel vulnerable away from his only living parent. Don’t know why that part wasn’t included in the original post, because it makes the situation significantly different.

Still amazed by how many people would dash off into the night without even finding out why their child would want to be picked up. If the kid contacts you and can’t speak freely, all you have to do is ask if they’re feeling unsafe. They can say yes without tipping anyone off.

So under what circumstances would you refuse?

I don't think that's what the OP was asking. She did what she felt was right and stands by that (correctly IMO). She was asking whether she was correct to be hacked off at her friend accusing her of mollycoddling. Obviously one is intrinsically tied with the other but several people have said they would agree with the friend but wouldn't actually say that. I think that more have said they agree with the OP but that's not the question.