AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

That’s a good point actually. There are a lot of threads like that . I think people are losing the ability to think for themselves.

I would have done exactly the same.

You drove round the corner, brought your child home. Found out he had three good reasons, he had a sandwich and went happily to bed. And therefore so did you. Nothing wrong with that at all.

What he's learnt from that is that he can trust you to listen to him and when reasonable you will respond. He trusted you to help him and you demonstrated that you would.
What he would have learnt had you said "Coming to collect you would be nothing but mollycoddling, so just get on with it" - that would have been, that you don't listen and if he's in a place where he feels awkward, you will tell him he's being daft.

He's 12 not 16. Now he's had his sleepover, he will know what to expect next time and will probably be more comfortable. Also if I was the host, the last thing I'd want is to have a child there who really wanted to go home but couldn't. Imagine if he'd had to ask the host to take him home because you'd refused?

Its none of your friend's business and I'd be concerned that she kept going on about it.

@AzurePanda Hopefully it really doesn't happen a lot, but perhaps worth considering that a lot of uncomfortable encounters are never, ever reported. I remember distinctly my school friend and neighbours' much older big brother (who was baby sitting us as both sets of parents out) coming into our bedroom and getting into bed with us in the early hours... It was meant to be funny and sort of was funny at the time and to be clear nothing untoward happened ... But I now look back and think... mmmhm.

But actually I was thinking more along the line that other kids at that age can have lax Internet access and even just have scary movies, never mind anything else - experimenting with whatever. The kid might not want to be a tell-tale or seem uncool so might not spill the full story over the come-get-me phone call... I never ever needed the details of why our child decided to skip the sleepover, just to know they wanted to be home was enough for me to go pick them up. And if it was simply they just wanted their own bed and to go to sleep (which was the case the few times it happened) well that's completely understandable. I don't understand how it builds resilience to just tell them to buck up, see you in the morning.

And just to be clear, I went to boarding school age 11. My firmly held belief is that parents who resolutely think their kids are OK because they are in a 'nice' home or people they know 'really well' run the risk of being complacent and naive at best, wilfully neglectful at worst. Some of those very nice respectable homes were the least supervised and most dysfunctional and as kids we didnt breath a word to the adults around us. You can't make a teen or a pre-teen talk, but at least I could be there if they asked for a lift home.

If it was just that they weren’t having a great time, I’d leave them until morning.

The friend should have demonstrated resilience by going back to her own home after a night spent drinking.

You did the right thing. I was that child growing up. Loved the idea of a sleepover til it got to the sleep part.

If i was on a sleepover my lovely Dad wouldn't even get ready for bed and would wait for my call, despite my assurance every time that 'this times different' It never was

But, I was allowed to go and much as it must have been a pain in the arse for my poor Dad, I knew when I did change my mind, he'd be there to take me home.

You did the right thing

YANBU

I always told my DCs that if they wanted to come home from any party or sleepover or whatever else they were doing with their friends, to call me and hang up if they couldn't talk, or speak if they could, and I would pick them up - and ask no questions if they didn't want to talk about it, and any friends of theirs who wanted to get out of there could get a lift too.

Why does your friend have such a pole up her ass about this?

i think you did the right thing OP.

Home sickness is something you can’t understand unless you’ve experienced it. But it’s ghastly and from personal experience, I believe can impact negatively on a child’s mental health with lifelong effects.

I can still remember the panic I felt as a child when I realised that no one would be coming to take me home when I was distressed while staying with a family relative. Not just one night but several nights. My parents thought it would make me more resilient if they left me there. It didn’t.

I'm with you OP and shame on any of the parents on here who would have left their 12 year old until morning.

OK, it wasn't an emergency but next time it could be and they may not ask for help if they don't think it's coming.

My child can be confident that I will come if they need me every single time.

Not just a pita for your dad. Did you not consider that continually accepting sleepover requests and then going home every time must have been very disappointing for the host child and kind of rude?

No because I was only a child. And most children dont think that way. However the sleepovers were never just me and the host so when I went home there were still children there

Thankfully my Dad prioritised me and I knew he'd be there for me. He never ever once made me feel like a nuisance or inconvenience

They could text it

I feel like this style of parenting may be the reason why we have created a nation full of young afults with no backbone, too 'anxious' to work. Yo don't need to ignore your child's requests for help, but a better solution would have been at least in the first instance, to encourage them, giving them strategies to cope, even if it meant texting through the night

Im 54 & I've turned out as a pretty normal healthy hard working adult

Thanks all for your further thoughts on this.

@Redglitter and @Saltandpeppersquid

The more I think about it, the more I’m glad I did what I did. And I’d do it again.

I didn’t mention our bereavement in my OP, partly because it was already screeds long, and partly because it wasn’t relative to why I picked him up. I (or my late husband for that matter), would both have done the exact same thing for any of our four before he passed. I didn’t pick him up because he is grieving, I picked him up because he wanted to come home, and I’ve told my kids to always, always come to me if they need anything, regardless of if they’ve done something wrong or not.

Although the more I ponder it, some of you have given me pause re my friend and her knowing my situation and possibly maybe she should have been more sensitive to it and less outspoken. However, as I’ve said already, I love her dearly and don’t plan to lose a friendship over it. If anything similar comes up again, I’ll maybe just be a bit firmer in telling her to keep her nose out of it. She can raise her children, and I’ll raise mine.

Agree. My eldest two got the exact same treatment, and neither of them lack backbone or are too “anxious” to work - quite the opposite!

I’m with your friend. Wasn’t the host parent like ‘WTF’?! 🤯
I wouldn’t be allowing sleepovers in future either, not until he’s more mature.
How did he cope with his end-of-primary residential trip??

You're wrong.

As I said earlier, host parent was just fine. She (and the other remaining sleepover attendees) were still up and wide awake having fun. She was kind and sympathetic and said “see you next time champ” when I picked him up.

He didn’t go on his year six residential, or his year seven one that’s just been. Quite a few of the kids didn’t. They just didn’t fancy it according to the parents. He did however go on a year five/six mixed residential as he was in yr5 and my next child was in yr6, so they got to attend together, which seemed to placate him - he enjoyed it, did say he got a bit homesick but had his sibling there and was having fun so it was all good.

Firstly, it’s incredibly rude to search someone’s posting history to use against them on an unrelated thread, and secondly, you do know that it’s possible to be physically healthy and hard working but still experience psychological issues that require you to take medication at certain times to do certain things or function in some circumstances.

I’d be more concerned about my manners if I were you, than that poster should be about her requirement for a prescription medication on occasion!

Her post was in response to my assertation that overprotective parenting creating anxious adults.
I am not sure what the purpose of the poster name search facility is then if we are not supposed to use it.

There are lots of purposes that don’t include using someone’s posting history against them as a “gotcha” on a completely unrelated thread.

Oh 😦