AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

Your kid is the one who will call you at 3am when they are teenagers / young adults when something bad happens and they need help. A drugged friend, drank too much, lost their wallet etc. They will always know that mum is at the end of the phone. Won't flip her lid and will be there to help. It might seem trivial to your friends and like you've jumped to go and get him. However once he is older then he will want to ring you less and only when he needs it.

Ignore your friends

I’m wondering if there’s a backstory here and your friend feels you mollycoddle him a little too much in general?
It just seems a random thing to say after a one off event.

But her child hadn't been harmed or assaulted. It would be a totally different thread.

At 12, they should be able to get on with it and not ring for collection at bloody midnight. Under 10, I'd go get them.

If they'd had a falling out, I'd go get them.

Obviously if they had come to any harm, I'd go get them.

Just being a bit homesick, that's behaviour I'd expect of a much younger child. I'd be a bit worried about my 12 year old if he couldn't last a single night at a known friends house.

I don’t agree with all this ‘babying’ argument, he’s 12 not 20. Not being bothered by your kid being upset somewhere overnight is pretty bizarre I think and just teaches them their parents don’t really give a crap. I’d always want my kids to let me know if they feel unsafe etc.

I've always taught my.children that if something feels off or anything like that then just to call me saying they want to be picked up, or message me and I'll make up a reason, no questions asked because I'll believe them. Therefore I wouldn't have questioned them when they called. Even if it was just that they didn't want to be there, I'd rather my child feels they could contact me then have to stay in an environment that makes them unhappy. My children have never had to call me, they are reliant and independent adults now.

100% this .

Yes but something could’ve happened that he wasn’t comfortable sharing until after he was picked up. You just don’t know. If it was me I’d go get my child regardless.

I’d have thought you’re mollycoddling but I wouldn’t have openly said it which is the issue here

I really find it amazing that people would be allowing their child to have a sleepover in a situation where any sort of abuse is a potential possibility, particularly at the age of 12. Resilience is a hugely valuable quality which will be of great help in life.

I can’t believe there are people on here that actually wouldn’t pick up a child who wanted to come home late at night, no matter what age.

Then you ask why they want to be picked up. Not just run to get them. We've got increasing numbers who can't cope with life, or any discomfort. Self esteem is increased by us pushing through things and having something to feel proud of ourselves for.

Do not explain yourself to anyone about the reasons for collecting your child from someone else's house at a sleep over. Its your child and you decided to go and collect them. End of . A descion needed to be made and yours was to go ! Ain't no one telling me if I can collect my child or not. I didnt ask thanks!

It doesn't sound like you baby your son. He's 12 not 5.

Actually if my child asked to be collected in the middle of the night then I would. But frankly in the absence of any compelling reason as to why they felt the need to do this, I would be disappointed in their inability to just get on with it.

With respect, I can’t agree with your ideas of what helps children to develop resilience. From my own childhood I think you develop resilience by knowing that you can depend on your caring parents. You end up internalising that care so that when you grow up you can take care of yourself with confidence. Her son will grow up knowing that he can trust his feelings and do what is right for him (and HIS future offspring) at any given moment.

From my own childhood I think you develop resilience by knowing that you can depend on your caring parents

Agree, you develop it by having a solid foundation.

I wouldn't have commented but I think at 12 he should have been able to handle a night at a mates house in a familiar location without ringing his mum. The only exception might be if he was vomming or something.

You sound like a lovely Mum. Tbh your parenting choices have nothing to do with your friend. This would have really got my back up. Your child felt uncomfortable enough to ring you and ask to come home to his safe place.

My kids are now 50, 48 and 35. If any if them phoned me to say they were in an uncomfortable situation and could I pick them up, I'd be there. That's ALWAYS been the rule. For clarity, it hasn't happened since youngest DD was 16, but the rule still stands.

Self esteem is increased by us pushing through things and having something to feel proud of ourselves for.

This, and coping in difficult situations without someone rushing in to save the day, we learn that actually we managed it, it was hard but we survived.

Actually, I think it's both. Children develop resilience through having strong, secure attachments and also through experiencing mildly difficult situations and working out solutions independently.

I agree with your friend, but might not have said that much. She could have been a bit more diplomatic.

You seem to be mollycoddling your boy, and at 12 years old he's almost a teenager..ffs! Kids need to build up resilience in different situations and not depend on mum to bail them out.

Absolutely nothing wrong with picking your child up if he wants to come home. I’d do the same in a heartbeat

Imagine the replies if it was a MIL giving the unsolicited advice 😂

Wasn't her business to comment. How rude of her.

I remember back in the 90s not having a mobile and attending sleepovers. I don’t remember being offered a landline or other way to contact my parents once I was at the sleepover. These days it is so easy to get instant gratification and to change a situation immediately rather than waiting patiently or dealing with it.