AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

It's not really any of her business, is it?

Yanbu. You met your child’s needs (teens still need their needs met by parents) and it was no big deal. If he’d been on a DofE expedition or something then it might be a different matter, but it was just an unimportant sleepover. Don’t let her opinion bother you.

I agree with the friend tbh. Massively babying him, especially since there was nothing actually wrong, it was the middle of the night so he'd have to wake the other parents when leaving and you'd had a glass of wine so really shouldn't have been driving.

So do l. Maybe at 7 or 8 but 12? Nah stick it out til the morning.

Sorry just seen he has recently lost his dad? If that had have been mentioned in the op then maybe you would have different responses op. Of course that changes things.

Pls read to OPs updates before posting, all host parents and children were awake.
The OP had 1 glass of wine 4 hours earlier, she was fine to drive and no one else (other than friend sharing the bed) were disturbed.

Bloody hell, I’m trying not to be shitty here but I’ve said several times, the parents (and all the other sleepovers kids) were still wide awake and having a ball.

I’d had one glass of wine at 20:00, and it was now midnight and I’d been asleep for the best part of an hour (and had eaten in between)!!

No one was woken (other than me), no one was driving over the limit or anything close to it. I’m a clinician, I wouldn’t drink and drive ffs!

He was unhappy, uncomfortable, hungry and homesick.

I’ve taken on board everyone’s opinions, I really have, and I’ve come to the conclusion that picking him up was absolutely the right thing to do. It’s not damaged or “babied” him, in fact, I’m starting to feel reassured that I’ve maybe actually reassured him that he did the right thing in contacting me, and I’ve given him confidence that I’ll always be there for him.

The only reason I highlighted the fact that we recently lost our husband/father, was to reiterate the fact that I wouldn’t have been too drunk/unavailable to collect him, and given that circumstance, his friends won’t be condemning him to “mummy boy” status for wanting to go home - not to justify him wanting to come home or me
picking him up in the first place!

It doesn't really matter what people would do though does it, everyone parents their dc in their own way, the point is the girlfriend should keep her opinion to herself, it's not her call. Personally I hate sleepovers, i did let my dc have them but generally i think they are a huge waste of time and energy.

I haven’t read to the end of the messages - but I 100% think you did the right thing. Safe guarding must be considered for any sleepover situation.

If my child told me they wanted to leave when at someone else’s house and had no other way to leave then I’d go and get them even if they were an adult.

Something might have happened. Or as a child they might feel uncomfortable and unable to explain why either from a lack of understanding or because someone was listening.

I wonder about the friend whose mum forgot a sporting thing - sounds like a code they’ve agreed in advance to me (which I do with my kids when they have sleepovers, they can text me a random word and I will call with an excuse to come and get them) so they can leave without having to worry about their friend’s feelings. I tell them to do this if someone in the house has made them feel uncomfortable.

Bottom line is staying at someone else’s house is an opportunity for abuse to happen. Kids might not be able to explain why something felt off but it is important to respond if they are not happy in this situation.

YANBU, she should fuck off with her comments and mind her own business

yanbu and your friend isn't a friend.

This. You've more going on than a kid wanting to bail on a sleep over & the friend knew this. YANBU

Cheeky cow. You did what was best for your son. I’d have told her to mind her own business there and then (I gave up holding back 18 months ago and it’s incredibly liberating 🤣 and yes, I do have great friends, in case anyone’s wondering 🤣🤣🤣)

Once you’ve calmed down a bit perhaps you could phone her to clear the air.

I’m sorry your “friend” upset you 💐

I don’t think you are actually querying the judgement you made. I think you don’t like being ‘criticised’…it has really hit a nerve.

I'd have collected him just like you did. I have done the same for one of my children.

If my children aren't comfortable somewhere, for whatever reasons, then they know they can contact me.

No one needs to tough out a sleepover 5 minutes drive away from home.

I would (and often did) fetch my children if they were unhappy. Neither of them were mollycoddled and grew up feeling secure, loved and valued. They are brilliant, adventurous (claimed Kilimanjaro, hitch hiked through Asia etc), well adjusted humans. Children need to feel secure and I did whatever it took for them to feel that way.

When my husband (and their father died) we dealt with it together, we are still very much a family.

You sound like a wonderful, kind and considerate mum. Keep being you.

He was hungry and was uncomfortable. Of course he did the right thing by calling you and you were right to pick him up. The mollycoddling thing would fall on deaf ears if it was me.

I had been out drinking when I got the same message - similar age, I ordered a taxi and went and got him. I've been out as an adult and sometimes wanted to come home- I have the means to do so myself, my son needed help to do so.

There is nothing wrong with showing your children that you are there for them, I was criticised a lot at the time, for this and other things, but he has grown into an emotionally stable confident young man.

I would have hoped that at 12 my child would have just been able to get on with it.

Got on with being hungry and uncomfortable, feeling unhappy but having no one to turn to?

Adults do it all the time, leave a social occasion early because they aren't feeling it.

Sleepovers should be fun, OP was willing and able to get him, that's what functional families do.

Imagine her kid had been harmed or assaulted in some way. This attitude is awful tbh. I firmly believe op did the right thing.

@PerfectlyNormalOwlFreeMorningthere will likely be many times in life that a person feels lonely, uncomfortable or sad in a situation and just has to put up with it. There’s no indication the child was in any danger or in an unsafe situation. Would you really leave say half way through a dinner because you weren’t enjoying it?

Yanbu

I’m with you OP. If my kids need me I’m there. Doesn’t matter what age they are.

No, I would have dinner and then make my excuses. The child had dinner and didn't want to stay.
Knowing you have someone that has your back makes the times where you can't walk away all the more manageable. A unhappy sleepover at 12 will not teach resilience, it will teach the child that when they needs help their parent ignores them.
This thread is just a further example of how we hold children to higher standards than adults. If a adult posted saying they had spent an evening with friends and now felt they wanted to go home everyone would say they should go home.

But at the time how would you know they weren’t in danger of abuse? They might not be able to say if they felt they were either because someone was listening or because they didn’t understand why they felt uncomfortable but had picked up on something being off.