AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

OP I think you did the right thing and I would have done the same i have 3 daughters 9, 13 and 14
they all know that if at anytime they feel I comfortable and need to come home they call me and I will be there. I have my phone on silent every night unless one of them are away from home.

so far my 13 year old was sick and had to be picked up from a dance sleep over but that was for a reason.

my 14 year old called me and asked to come home I went and got her straight away in the middle of the night. She couldn’t tell me why she just said she felt strange and not comfortable there.
she hadn’t stayed at this friends house before.
i do always encourage them to trust their gut.

if they made a habit off it then I’d be rethinking things but it rarely happens so when it does I will drop everything to get them.

if they can’t trust that their mum will be there for them then who can they trust ?

I am glad your son has you when he needs you and I am very sorry for your loss.

Hi @WhiteWidowWithAttitude
This is an interesting read as just yesterday my wife and I were talking about what our son will be like when he's a teenager/young adult. We agreed we would want him to always come to us if he is ever in any kind of trouble, or a difficult situation. That that stands even if said situation was his fault (e.g. getting blind drunk) - he will know that he won't get a bollocking from us. That doesn't mean we'd just let him do whatever he likes with no repercussions - of course there are consequences to your actions. But I was a bit of a tearaway as a teen/young adult, and I got myself into many, many dangerous situations. Some of which I wasn't able to get out of. Because if I had called my parents then of course they would have been there, but they would be FURIOUS, and I would be screamed at. So I became afraid of asking my parents for help during those times. I would never, ever want our son to feel like that, so hopefully my wife and I are breaking that cycle.

So in my opinion, you are doing a wonderful job, and your friend is a bit of a dick for challenging you. Especially considering the fact that you are only recently a solo parent, and after a very traumatic event.

I hope what she said doesn't play on your mind too much. Keep reminding yourself of why it is that you decided to pick him up. You sound like a wonderful parent! ♥️

If my child calls I’m there. That’s what parents do. You are not mollycoddling

Quite shocked at some of the nasty responses here. Why do people feel it’s ok to attack someone they don’t know who is still dealing with bereavement?

Some awful comments about a young boy who is still reeling from losing his father. If my son rang me in these circumstances I would have been picking him up too. The comments about him being 12 not 6 rattled me too. Have you ever met a 12 year old boy? I’ve worked with kids this age for years and their emotional needs are HUGE. They need reassurance, patience, cuddles. They are just out of primary school.

OP , you are doing a great job. Don’t doubt your instincts as a mum x

This happened to me several times, it seems to be a boy thing, one night my youngest was distraught and walked out of a sleepover at past 10pm, he was 11. Turned out he had been put in a room on his own. You did the right thing.

YANBU - you obviously have a great connection with your DS where he can trust you will be there for him. Regardless of his reason, even if it was just that he was hungry, you’re showing him that he can always rely on you. Next time he needs you it may be for something more serious and he’ll feel confident enough to contact you without being asked a million questions around his ‘reason’ for wanting to come home.
Your friend is sharing her opinion - opinions aren’t fact and if she’s a close enough friend to share a bed with you, I’d hope she is a close enough friend to understand your son and parenting style. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Before my kids get married at any age, we will be able to vouch for the character & nature of their spouses, my kids won't be marrying people I cannot trust.

so you adult daughter ring you and asks to come to you urgently because she confided in you that her husband has been beating her

and you’d say “I’ll call you back” and then proceed to ring the spouse to check? Ring her friends to check”

so much weird and disturbing about this

One of THE strangest posts I have ever read on mumsnet

Wondering if this is more about how your friend's parents would have treated her than anything else.

Maybe useful emphasising the unpredictability of grief in talking to your friend - your 12 year old can't currently predict how he's going to feel earlier on so you need to be flexible for him. (Notwithstanding you're encouraging your son to call you anyway - this is a concept that might make more sense to your friend and help her activate her sympathy for a child who's lost a parent)

Also worth thinking through with your son potential strategies - how he can identify he wants to leave a sleepover before grown up bedtime / how he could arrange to go just for the evening / a snack he might take with him / whether he'd want to try sleeping over when feeling a bit worried knowing you're ok coming at 3am

He does need to be prepared for a world that won't prioritise his wishes.

This boy, more than most, well and truly knows that already

Again, you'll be alright.
I said what I said and I'm standing by it. First off, my children cannot be married to abusive spouses, it's not an option in their realities. Our realities are different, your possibilities are different from mine. Let's get that right.
And again, any child old enough to make marital choices knows how to get out of immediate or imminent danger.
And like I said, I'd be calling their spouse, friends & siblings to get perspectives.

It seems you just want to pick on what is not relevant to the topic. But go ahead and have a great time doing that.

This is THE strangest post I have ever read 🏆

My son is 13 and if he called me I would absolutely go and pick him up. It's strange to me that people wouldn't? Obviously it depends on the child so I really doubt mine would call to be fair but if he did, it would be an emergency. Only thing is I would definitely ask why exactly before going to collect.

My daughter tells my 13 year old granddaughter "if you feel the ick just phone me and I'll come and get you". Always trust your child!

Does your friend have children? If it was my children, no matter what time of the night it was, I would collect them! That's what you would do as a parent.

Your child. Your feelings. Your life. Not hers. You do you & don't feel guilty about it.

What the f*?!
NOBODY chooses to be married to an abuser. "It's not an option in their realities"...Every single relationship in the world could turn into an abusive one. What on earth are you on about?

I’d be picking up immediately, it’s absolutely none of your friends business! But I also mollycoddle my 2YO and I don’t give a crap what anyone thinks!

If my child is uncomfortable, especially in someone else's house, especially over night, especially at the age of 12, I'm not going to wait and see if they can articulate their reasons to my satisfaction or teach them to ignore their instincts.

Far too risky (short-term and long-term).

I appreciate that other people have different views but I would be seriously unimpressed at being harangued about my way of doing things by a friend, especially while she was a guest in my house, and would make that pretty clear.

I think you were smart. This is the age where some kids start doing things he might not want to dosex, drugs, alcohol, "pranks" that are dangerousbut it's also really hard at that age to say no and be mocked. So letting him text you to get him allows him to tell his friends that his mum wants him home with some fabricated excuse, and so save face and still get out. Perhaps that's just what his best friend did. Makes me wonder.
I told my kids they could text anytime to be picked up and I would go, no questions asked.

I hate people that have a problem with parents putting their children first. You did nothing wrong i would have absolutely done the same thing. I don't drive so unless my child's sleepover is in walking distance of where I live, she simply doesn't go incase im needed to get her in the middle of the night. No one should ever let their child be in a place or position they don't want to be in.

@tenderbee is best ignored. Sounds very very peculiar

Some of the responses on here are INSANE. Even if you don't agree OP should have gone, why are some people being so vicious, making unhinged assumptions and accusations? Lots of very troubled individuals on this forum.

OP you sound like a lovely mother, friend and all round human. Sorry for your loss and thank you for doing the work you do x

I agree wholeheartedly.
I'm all for encouraging kids to do stuff outside of their comfort zone but deciding that they don't want to sleep over at a friend's across the street isn't one of them.
My kids, both adults now have always known if they feel like they need me, I'm there. In whatever capacity.