AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

I would ALWAYS get my child if they felt uncomfortable some where no matter what the reason. I remember being 14 at a friend's who lived around 45mins away and feeling really uncomfortable around their drunk dad at the time but felt like I couldn't ask my mum to come get me because she would be mad. I would never want my child to be in a position to think they couldn't ring me if they needed me!

Why was she interjecting her "parenting tips" into this? Is she a parent to the child, too? I applaud you for listening to your child, picking him up, feeding him and putting him to bed. Children need to learn good parenting skills, too, and you just gave him a great lesson. You taught him security. You reinforced with him that he can trust you. He's 12, not 22. One of the really important lessons children need to learn is when to leave a party before they reach drinking age. Leaving a party should always be an option. Congratulations on being a great parent!

I’m sorry OP but your friend is a cow. She can parent her way and keep her views to herself. You can parent your way. Why would you want to impact your child’s sense of safety and security by not responding if they need you to want to come home. Not for your friend to comment on I’m afraid and very judgmental.

But no consideration for his own wellbeing? Yet again kids held to a higher standard than adults.

I’m sorry OP but your friend is a cow. But she isn't if you read the thread, she is kind and supportive. No wonder so many adults are lonely if they fall out with people based on a throw away comment.

Defo on the mollycoddling side but I've taken home a niece who suddenly felt homesick at 11pm! We all have different ways and shouldn't judge or feel the need to say anything. Xxx

Not at all unreasonable of you to pick him up (you know your child best and I would have done the same), and unreasonable of your friend to judge you and not to let it go. I think sometimes it’s ok for friends to gently suggest that you might have parented differently as different perspectives are useful (but it doesn’t sound as if she did it gently in this case), but even then, once is enough!

I’d have done exactly the same - honestly anything could’ve been going on and you’re a good parent for listening to your child. I’d also tell you friend or partner to butt out. They sound incredibly selfish to me. Do they have children?

OP, both me and DH have gone out to pick up DC when asked at various times of the day and night. We show up when needed, we love them and they know it. I’ve also taken kids home in the middle of the night who have woken us up at sleepovers at our house because they were unhappy. It happens. Your children will always appreciate your support and love.

You know your kids. I would have done the same. Your friend, well it is none of her business. Even if she is a parent herself.

What an awful way to talk about any child, let alone one who lost his father at a young age. That kind of comment deserves a “waspish” response.

My daughter has never done a sleepover with friends for various reasons, most of which I would guess you would say were immature. She did call once, aged 9, from my mum’s house and asked to come home. I couldn’t go that night as she was 2 and a half hours away and it was midnight. I knew no harm would come to her overnight but I arranged to pick her up the next day. She hadn’t given me a decent reason, I spoke with my mum who said “she was a bit upset at bedtime” but could see no reason for her to come home, and thought I was being ridiculous. When I got the actual story what had happened, it turns out I was absolutely correct to go and pick her up. That taught my daughter two things:- I’m always available to help her no matter what situation she is in with no judgement, and I’m always going to believe her when she says she is in trouble.

The child you are always there for becomes the teenager / adult who can call you when they are in trouble.

Your friend is right imo. However it was your decision and I'd respect that...also sleepovers are not a necessity of life and tbh in the future I'd try to talk him out of them as he obviously isn't keen and probably feels some pressure to do it....he might even be thankful of an excuse.

Absolutely.... Children with supportive parents will always make the best people.
Well done mum.
And sympathies on your situation... Happened to me when my Dd Was 5 and I was pregnant.
Life can be hard.
Xx

You know your child best and someone else’s opinion on if you did the right thing or not is just that, an opinion. Your friend can think whatever she wants, quite frankly. At most I’d have a talk with my son about thinking before agreeing to sleepovers perhaps, but I wouldn’t be annoyed that he knows he can count on me to be relied upon. As if you could have even gone back to sleep. I’m not a molly coddler but how you parent is entirely your own business. 🤷🏻‍♀️ some ppl need to learn to keep their unwanted opinions to themselves. It’s not like you asked her for one is it or that this is your first rodeo? Jaysus 🙄

Up to you what you do OP, but he does seem to be a very young 12 year old.

Good for you! That's what I'd have done. Your child knows he can ask you for help if he's uncomfortable or in a pickle and you will HEAR him. I always listened to my two when they needed help and they are now 28.and 30 and very sorted confident and independent! (I phone them now if I need some " no explanation required help").

No matter how big/old my kids are, If they're not married, I will never question their "need/want" to coming home. I'll get them home first and then, maybe ask them later what was wrong.
If they're married, I'll ask them questions, ask their spouses questions, ask their siblings & friends questions to get as much perspectives as possible before getting them home.

So you did really well, why should you be questioning your baby why he wants to come home to you, he was there and wants to come? Many parents overlooked things like these, asked their kids to toughen things out and their kids are still paying the price for it decades after, some kids are not even alive to tell the story.

Let no one ridicule you for how you choose to respond to your children's needs.

Everyone talks about instilling trust with their children so they'll share if something bad is happening yet the amount of people disagreeing with OP is baffling.
No wonder so many children don't speak up about abuse if they feel their parents won't listen to them.

Well said!

Would do the sMe ,no one's place to comment

If they're married, I'll ask them questions, ask their spouses questions, ask their siblings & friends questions to get as much perspectives as possible before getting them home.

so you won’t take your adult child at their word? But rather ask around to… what?

You'll be fine.
Before my kids get married at any age, we will be able to vouch for the character & nature of their spouses, my kids won't be marrying people I cannot trust.

Aside been a mom, I'm a wife myself and even though it is not a possibility, but if my spouse calls his parent to go home out of the blues, his parents would reach out to me first to ask what's happening, they won't just come and whisk him away or bid him to come. Why? Because they trust me and what we share.
So my kids cannot be married, say they want to get home suddenly (we are not talking courtesy visits) and I'll not get other perspectives before saying yes, I will do that and I'm not ashamed of it.
Any child old enough to make marital choices knows what to do when in immediate danger, they know how to save their lives first.

Exactly

What did a child do before mobile phones? Lay there and wait for sun up, that's what I did back in the day and was a grump all Sunday from lack of sleep. Part of growing up.

What did we do before……

is an expression I am determined to never spout at younger generations

I would never prioritize my own comfort over my child’s discomfort no matter their reason. He’s 12 not 21, but even he was 21 , I would still go for him. This is what family is about!

I’d have done the same as you OP. I think your friend has overstepped a boundary criticising you about this. Good for her if she’d have left her boy at the sleepover but what you do is your affair, I’d rather be the son who is comfortable ringing his mum and knowing she’ll respond with kindness and empathy than the one whose mum would have told him to ‘Toughen up’ or not answered the call.