AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

Maybe your ds is a bit insecure because of losing his dad. My dds lost their dad at age 11 and 13. It's hard being the remaining parent. I get it. I would have kept my opinions to myself in your friend's situation. People don't need to express every thought that pops into their head.

now THAT is great parenting

You asked AIBU. Unfortunately, you did not include a poll. I doubt you would have liked the responses on that.

In my view, you are mollycoddling a rather babyish 12 year old. If he's "insecure" at this age, I would think it is because you are encouraging him to be.

I am sorry you lost your husband, and your children their father, eighteen months ago. Being waspish with posters whose views you have sought is rather odd.

Totally agree with you on this. Loads of kids find sleepovers great and easy, a few don’t. One of my son’s friends just doesn’t do sleepovers and they’re 16/17 now. Never has. He gives it a go sometimes, once or twice he’s stayed over, mostly we just arrange it pre planned that he’ll head home late and sometimes he comes back in the morning. Everyone - his friends, all their parents - are totally fine with it. The child is perfectly capable and independent in loads of other ways. They are all accepting of everyone’s differences. None of us would think “oh he’s such a baby”. We wouldn’t be that judgemental.

I think you were right to collect your son and I also think you are right to have a laid back attitude to what your friend said. It isn’t worth falling out over. We all have our opinions and flaws. I might mention it but I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

How is this any of your friend’s business?

Who are these people who think they can interfere like this?

If you dont think you are thetr it wouldnt matter what others think you would be firm in your decision and npt care what anyone else says

I agree with the Op, not worth falling out over. OK to have different opinions.

She is possibly coming at it from the protecting your sleep and protecting your 'you-time' angle. Her kids are grown. She had a different parenting style. She had quite a few cocktails the night before and maybe wasn't thinking too hard.

I am 72. My parents would have (actually did) to the same for myself and my older sibs and we all turned out ok.

"and maybe wasn't thinking too hard"
or perhaps at all?

no it isn't odd at all when they say waspish things first

In my view, you are mollycoddling a rather babyish 12 year old. If he's "insecure" at this age, I would think it is because you are encouraging him to be

You don't make a child feel secure by leaving them when they ask for help, it will have the opposite effect.

No wonder so many teens split away from their parents and end up in dodgy situations if they learn when they are 12 that their parent doesn't have their back.

I would have collected him in a heartbeat even if he was 17. Over 18 I'd tell him to get an uber but he'd still be welcome home always.

Yabu if you drive over the limit though!

He might have wanted to come home for a reason he wasn't comfortable telling mum there and then, like his friend was showing him scary porn or his friends unlce peeked into the bathroom when he was in it.

If a child shows they don't feel safe you collect them without making a fuss, this builds up trust. So when he is 15 at a party being pressured to do drugs he knows he can just call mum.

I agree.
Situations like this build up trust over time so he learns that mum is the one he can go to.

I didn’t add a poll, because I use the app and couldn’t figure out how. I was asking for opinions on my friend’s response, not looking for judgements about my child.

You really are behaving quite vilely, and you know nothing about either me or my children. I’ve responded very reasonably and politely until you took it upon yourself to insult my 12yr old son.

I’ve responded very reasonably and politely until you took it upon yourself to insult my 12yr old son.

If you say so. It wasn't my experience, however.

Given you are as you say (a little bit) hacked off with your friend for saying you are mollycoddling him, I expect you are (moderately or intensely) hacked off with anyone who agrees with her. Which, as you know, I do.

I agree. Especially when he lost his dad 18 months ago. Just because some posters are convinced their child would have a stiff upper lip after losing a parent, doesn't mean that would be the best thing for their child. OP's child knows his mum will be there for him if he needs her. Much better for his long term mental health.

I would always go and get my child - in case they were in a risky or dangerous situation.

I also agree

She's bang out of line. I would pick up my 12-year-old, no questions asked, when they were on a sleepover. For all you know, that slight discomfort is arising from a very valid vibe that they've picked up and maybe are struggling to articulate. It's none of her business. I wouldn't let it bother you.

Making a rod for your own back there OP. At 12yo, he's old enough to have some consideration for others (unless he's selfish and spoiled....) Are you the kind of parent that thrives on feeling 'needed'?
You're doing nobody any favours jumping up when he clicks his fingers, especially as there was nothing really wrong, plus how rude to the other child's parents I wouldn't be inviting him again for sure.

It's none of her business, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Not a very good friend too, imho

Tbh I would set groundrules up front like if you want to come home, you let me know by say 10pm. After that he stays. It's just about boundaries.

12?? Ffs.