AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

This.

There were only 2 other friends there by that point (the others had gone by then). There were some mumblings of “it’s not like she asked you to go for him haha” sort of thing, but no one told her to shut up or said very much really, hence me wondering if I was feeling overly sensitive about it. I realise now that I wasn’t and my other friends either felt a bit awkward, or are just used to her being quite forthcoming at times.

She sounds ghastly
friends sound spineless

they were in your home have stayed over. In your home.
you’d provided a cocktail night the previous night
and…. You are a recent widow and your tween has lost his father

the more you write about these “friends”
the more alien and awful it sounds

You sound like a fantastic mum. I think you should explain this to your friend as you have experience with your approach working well and she could learn from you. Yes she's been outspoken in terms of how she perceives your actions, but you can equally be outspoken back to her. Speaking honestly to each other is how we progress our own ideas as well as our relationships.

I just think it’s one of those parenting situations where one perfectly normal and loving parent might have said “darling, it’s late, I really th8nk you should go to sleep and I’ll be there first thing”, and another perfectly normal loving parent might have said “ok I’ll be there in 10”.

There is no reason to have a debate (so I think your friend should have kept her thoughts to herself), and nor is there a reason to distance yourself or let it affect the friendship. You’re ok with your parenting decisions. You don’t need anyone else to be.

If I’d have been your friend, and I’d been sharing a bed with my recently widowed friend, and when I heard she was getting out of bed to go and pick up her son… I’d have said “why don’t I go and just rest up”

and I know my friends would have done bessme

To be fair to her (and only in this particular sense), she and all the others had had cocktails a plenty and none would have been fit or safe to drive. We had only been in bed/asleep for about an hour.

In the past, she has gone to the ends of the earth for me practically when I’ve been on my knees. Took time off work (we work together and work knew what was going on so gave her the go ahead), has driven to be with me in the early hours. Sat for literally days in a cold ICU waiting room forcing me to eat and drink when I didn’t know which way was up, and this is only a snippet of the things she has done for me. I think this is why I’m so keen to give her a bit of leeway in this situation, however as I said, I’m not going to let it go completely, and will have a chat with her about it.

I do appreciate your concern for me though.

It’s not wrong though. If your child kept saying yes to sleepovers and then kept phoning home to leave then it is quite unfair on the host child and quite rude if you know it’s likely to happen. Even kids are aware that their friends would be upset if you keep leaving them after they invited you. Not this poster, but most kids, if it was happening over and over again. And most parents

Again

no way would I have got pissed at my just widowed friend’s house, when all she’d having is a small glass of wine

so much about this friendship group is… unpleasant

I don’t really know what else to say, I had a glass of wine, plenty of good food, some mocktails and a great laugh. I just didn’t get drunk. Maybe I do have really garbage friends, but all I know is that I probably wouldn’t still be here today posting this if it weren’t for them. I don’t have family. My work/colleagues/friends (one and the same), are my family. (When you work for an emergency service, your colleagues eventually become your friends, your confidants, your network, even more so if you have no family support, which my husband was).

What exactly does it have to do with her? She needs to mind her own business! I absolutely would have done the same op…the poor kid obviously doesn’t want to be there and its not a big deal for you to go get them. Being there for your kids when they need you helps to raise secure happy adults.

I’m not saying you got drunk!!!

im saying that if I went to the friends house of my recently widowed bestie, and all she had was a glass of wine… I would not get pissed.

Nor would I be “adament” that my recently widowed friend was mollycoddling her tween who’s just lost his father. And to think she had the audacity to do this in your home.

and for the other two friends to simper away as she said all this.

awful

No sorry, you misunderstood - I wasn’t saying you suggested I got drunk - I was saying that other than not have cocktails (I.e. getting drunk), I still joined in with all the other fun, and had a lovely night with my girlfriends. They weren’t falling about drunk either, just merry and certainly not fit to get behind a wheel that night.

I don’t think I even consciously chose to stop at one glass because X was out, because realistically I could have walked there and back for him in 30min, but maybe subconsciously I did. It honestly didn’t really bother me so I had one and moved onto mocktails as wasn’t feeling like more alcohol.

I accept all your other points though. I’m just not sure where it leaves me. If I don’t have them, then I honestly don’t have anyone!

Oh op I’m sorry, so sorry.

Friends shouldn’t leave you feeling shit. Just hold on to that mantra

I’d have done the same and collected my DC if they’d asked. Especially since your DC recently lost their father, home is their safe place and it he wanted to come home, i’d have got him too.

I'm amazed at the posters saying what would he have done if you'd been drinking and couldn't go and get him. Whenever my dd was on a sleepover I never drank, or went anywhere too far from home, just incase she needed me to go and get her - it could have been a serious emergency, or just feeling uncomfortable, but I'd never have wanted to be in a position that I couldn't have got to her if that's what she needed.

I’d never not be fit to collect my kids from a sleepover - even if that meant walking to get them. I wouldn’t ever be in a position that I was unable to drive if I wasn’t in walking distance from them (and by that, I mean 15 min max as he was that night, actually, I could have ran it in more like 9-10 if the situation required or I was trying to keep warm like I would have been that night ha).

I’m not an angel, but I’m a bloody responsible parent and person. It was much easier when my husband was alive - one of us could be ‘on’, and the other have a night off. But it’s just me now.

What tends to happen in this scenario is the parent will tip the hosting parent off, just in case and so the hosting child is aware - if they are in any way good friends or good hosts they will totally understand.

We had it both ways. Would not occur to me to be offended. Didnt occur to our child to be disappointed - although I remember dropping DD round again in the morning once. Just one of those things.

Do not lose this friend over a drop in a tea cup.

Because really that is what it is really, a throw away comment about a difference of parenting opinion. I know my friends feel similar about my parenting, but I feel the same in reverse. My great friend would have left her son at the sleepover and would have thought it was for the best- had she told me that I would probably have said I thought she was mean.

There is no right way to parent, just what is right for you- from this she is a great friend, don't let people on the internet make you start to feel you should be more offended.

He was unhappy, uncomfortable, hungry and homesick.

And incredibly rude to the friend having the sleepover, and also incredibly childish for a 12 year old. It would be more reasonable if he were 5.

Bearing in mind I was probably 8 or 9 it wasn't done maliciously. Sleepovers were usually part of a birthday party so there was a group of us. I dont ever remember being the only one.

Every time I went I genuinely went confident that id stay. Every time I had a great time right up to bedtime.

Thankfully everyone, my friends, their parents and my parents were completely understanding about it.

Part of my upset when I got home was anger with myself and a feeling id let my friend down. Thankfully noone else ever made me feel bad and I think when friends hosted sleepovers I was probably invited with the parents knowing I wouldnt be there for breakfast.

YANBU at all.

Hmm... You sound like a lovely mum, but I think I agree with others who have said you're babying him. 12yos and can't hack a night away? He's in secondary school. I'd imagine his peers will have something to say.
If he was 10 or under, I'd probably have fetched him, but I think if you're at secondary school, you're big and old enough to suck it up, close your eyes and go to sleep.

Thank you. I think this is exactly how I feel. Yes, I felt a bit aggrieved and offended by her criticism. In the same vein, I’ve definitely had some thoughts about her parenting style (much more lax than mine), but I generally just keep them to myself.

I think I will have a chat with her about how she made me feel, but not to break up the friendship, just to tell her that she made me feel really shitty, and doubt myself, and I didn’t appreciate it. I actually think she will respect and understand that.

She (and a couple of the others there), have been spectacularly supportive throughout my widowhood journey, and as I said before, if I hadn’t had them, I honestly don’t know where I’d be now.

Her attitude towards me in this situation wasn’t nice, but also not a sackable (friend) offence in my current position. Thanks for your thoughts. x

Yeah, sorry but I’m not going to swallow this one. He’s not rude, or childish. He’s a 12yo kid who wasn’t coping on an overnight away from me and his siblings.

Neither his friend(s), not the parents were remotely offended or upset by him going home. They are his friends, they care about his comfort and happiness. They also appear to have more maturity and acceptance than a supposed adult posting on an internet forum about a 12yr old kid.

The other sleepover attendees continued to have a great time, the parents saw him off with a “see you next time champ”, and ruffled his hair, and have already messaged me to check he is ok. He’s been chatting away with his mates on their game platform since, arranging to catch up for a skate. No one has been harmed, no friendships lost or ruined. Please take your nastiness about a slightly insecure kid somewhere else.