AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

Name change fail

Hows it a name change fail? I've posted several times on this thread. You cant name change on a thread

Oh I see, different poster!

got it

although given that poster has just posted about your previous post on another thread, maybe you should name change!

What do you mean by this?

Yes I'll be retiring this one for a while. Mind you I didnt expect someone to go through my posting history to throw something back at me from 6 years ago. Still lesson learned and ill be name changing much more regularly now

Apologies
it was a spat between two posters
and I thought one was you!

as for your situation…. Get a new bestie op. You are a recent widow and your boy has lost his father, and yet your very close friend is bitching about your parenting, in your home. From your flipping bed no less!

No. If I want my kids to understand as adults that if they need me they can ring me any time of day or night and I’ll come and help them without judgement, it starts when they’re this age and they call you about something that to an adult seems trivial but to them is important.

I don't see anything wrong with what you done? You picked up your upset DC who wanted to be home. You were able to do so, so you did. I think you've made them feel secure and understood. You friend does need to mind her own business though.

I understand now, I was standing up for @Redglitter because the other poster (name eludes me now) appeared to have gone through their posting hx to use as a stick to beat them with, which while I’m not sure is explicitly against talk guidelines, is certainly rude, and not in the spirit of the site.

Thank you, I don’t actually want to lose my friend as a friend, she has been good to me for many years, but I might create some distance for a little while, or even actually speak to her about why what she said got to me.

And, btw @Redglitter - I take my hat off to you - my career began doing what you do, and it’s a hard thankless job! Been on the other end of the radio too, then jumped ship to a different front line service, still remember the vicarious trauma of that first job. Look after yourself!

Thank you, I don’t actually want to lose my friend as a friend, she has been good to me for many years, but I might create some distance for a little while, or even actually speak to her about why what she said got to me.

IF she really is a good friend (although given this instance plus fact she’s called you a helicopter parent in the past) then the latter.

However, this doesn’t a good friend to me. Or indeed a particularly good human being

I can see exactly what you’re saying. And I can see why people might think she’s not a great person. It’s hard because I think I’ve always viewed her as just being honest and outspoken. You know, telling me things for my own good type of thing, because we are close and she feels she can say it. It’s harder now, because I was left feeling properly criticised, but my support network isn’t that big, especially now that I am alone with the kids. It’s hard to consider losing one of my biggest supporters (or so I thought).

Great post. Yes, what to us seems like nothing can be a big deal for a child. Some people are incapable of understand d thst because they can only see things from their own point of view.

As I said, they might not understand at 12 what it is that is making them uncomfortable nor able to explain it - certainly in a text message.

But it is a common safe guarding thing to have code words for text messages with your children so you can pick them up without them having to be embarrassed in front of their friends. For example if a friend was asking them to watch porn, smoke or drink and they don’t want to say no due to peer pressure, they can text a word to you which you will know means they want out of the situation but they don’t have to explain why. Not just for sleepovers but any situation where these things could happen.

There are a lot of reasons why a 12yo might want out of a situation and not want to put it in writing or even explain it to you. If you trust your children, why wouldn’t you respond to their needs?

What a lot of stupid comments on this post. One of my kids - when in her teens - hated sleepovers. Always wanted to come home. Just didn’t like other people’s houses. She left home at 18 to go to university in another country and is the most independent and adventurous of my children. Some of the comments here are unbelievable. You do you OP. You know what’s best for your kids.

OP, you sound like a wonderful mother.
I would pick up my children any time and I have always told them whatever the situation I don't care, just call me first, their safety is my priority.
Even in their 20's I would still do it.

That friend is a cheeky cow but I understand you need her support as you navigate such huge life changes.
Your children loosing their father is huge for you all.
Watch her though.
She has overstepped here.
Be wary of it becoming a pattern and problem.
Wishing you well.

Your child, your choice - fwiw, YANBU imho as your son will remember you were there for him when he needed you.

Completely agree. I find it concerning that so many people would leave a child as young as 12 without help when they’re asking for it. There are hundreds of reasons they might want out of a situation and I wouldn’t need my children to explain them to me.

There's always one who needs to turn a lovely post into BS . Did you have nothing better to do?

If I got a text like that from my children in that scenario I would 100% have gone and picked them up. Thinking worst case scenario, anything could have happened, maybe it wasn’t something sinister, but in some cases it might be - why would anyone ever take the risk?! If someone or something had made the child uncomfortable they’re unlikely to tell you over a text, I would never leave them in that situation until the morning.

YANBU!

I’m glad to hear that there are other parents out there who have the same opinion as me when it comes to their kids asking for help. I didn’t feel the need to question him on what was wrong, because I trusted that if it was enough for him to want to come home at midnight, then it was enough for me to want to go get him. I don’t honestly feel I was being U in that aspect of it, and I’d do it again. It’s not like he would ever wake me to tell me he’d forgotten his switch! He would know that would be silly and not something I would schlep out in my pjs in the late hours for.

My actual question was whether I was being U in being a bit annoyed by my friends accusation of me mollycoddling him. Seems by some people’s responses I should have maybe been more annoyed than I was.

Thank you for everyone’s advice with regards her, and I will take it on board. It’s true that I’ve maybe let some things go because of my limited support and despite the fact that I’m not going to bin the friendship over this, I won’t let it continue, and will have a word with her about not being so opinionated about my parenting.

You absolutely did the right thing to collect your son. He now knows you'll get him and have his back if needed anytime. Another time it might be a more serious reason he needs to leave somewhere and he will know he can ask you.

Also contrary to what some others have said about resilience. Knowing that he can leave if he wants to will more likely give him the confidence to try new things, push himself knowing he has a safety net if needed.

Op if this person is one of your “biggest supporter” then I am concerned.

Because the very idea of saying to a very close what she did to you after what you and your children have just experienced…. (Having just shared a bed with you fgs)… is utterly unfathomable to me

She said all this in front of your other friends that had stayed over?

Did no one interject and basically tell her to STFUP?

You are 100% in the right. Your child should be safe in the knowledge that they can just say ‘come and get me’ and you’ll arrive promptly. I actually think that is about safeguarding to be honest.