Stinginess Isn’t Smart...It’s Just Unattractive

[PapaPerspective]

I’ve always had a real problem with people who are tight with money. Not just those who are openly stingy, but the ones where you only really notice it after a whil, the ones who never quite offer, who always seem to benefit from others’ generosity but rarely reciprocate. It’s not about being careful or living within your means, which I completely respect. It’s when someone’s so obsessed with saving a few quid that it starts to affect everyone around them. I find it hard to relax around people like that, and honestly, I don’t want them in my life.

There’s a massive difference between being responsible with money and being petty. I’m all for shopping around, getting a good deal, and not wasting cash. I do it myself. But when someone’s tight, it’s a different thing altogether. I remember being on a group trip where we’d all agreed to split the costs evenly—accommodation, petrol, food, the lot. There was one bloke who, every single time, had some reason why he shouldn’t pay the full share. He’d say, “Oh, I didn’t eat breakfast this morning,” or “I didn’t use as much hot water,” or he’d disappear when it was time to get the next round in the pub. At first, you think nothing of it, but after a few days, you realise everyone else is picking up the slack. It’s not just awkward, it’s disrespectful.

What really gets me is when people act like being tight is something to be proud of. I’ve met people who seem to think it’s clever to get away with paying less, almost like it’s a game. I once knew a guy who would go on about how he managed to get out of paying his share for a friend’s stag do, or how he “saved” money by never chipping in for communal stuff, and he’d say it with a smug grin, as if we were all supposed to be impressed. I just find it cringeworthy and, if I’m honest, a bit pathetic.

For me, it’s a deal breaker. If I meet someone—whether it’s a mate or a potential partner—and I get even a hint of that tightness, it puts me right off. I’d go as far as to say it’s almost as unattractive as being a serial cheat. Both traits are about putting yourself first, about a lack of generosity and basic decency. I’ve been on dates where someone hasn’t even offered to split the bill, or has made a big show of only paying for exactly what they ordered, down to the last penny. It’s not about the money, it’s about the attitude behind it.

Sometimes I wonder whether this sort of behaviour is just in people, or if they pick it up from somewhere. Is it nature or nurture? I’ve met people who grew up with nothing and are the most generous you’ll ever meet, and others who had everything and are tighter than a drum. I think some people are just wired that way, and I do think it’s linked to a kind of greed—a belief that the world owes them, or that they’re somehow clever for keeping hold of every penny.

There’s a growing sense of entitlement in society, and I think this is just another side of it.
It’s funny how society treats it, too. If you’re reckless with money, you get called out. If you’re a cheat or lazy, people don’t hold back. But if you’re greedy, if you’re tight to the point of making everyone else uncomfortable, it’s almost seen as a harmless quirk. I’ve heard people laugh about how tight their husband or wife is—“Oh, he won’t let me turn the heating on unless it’s minus five outside!”—and I just think, why are you putting up with that? It’s not funny, it’s miserable.

Look, I’m not perfect. I’ve got plenty of flaws, but being tight isn’t one of them. I’d like to think I’m generous, and I value that in other people. Generosity isn’t about splashing the cash or being showy, it’s about being fair and not counting every penny. Life’s too short to be petty about money. If you’re responsible, good for you. But if you’re tight, don’t expect me to stick around.

AIBU?

There’s a difference between needing to be stingy and choosing to be stingy. I used to count the pennies at a meal out because I had to, I’d already scrapped together my money to come out. I chose my meal based on what I could afford so not having control over what others order (rightly) when they have the ability to pay is hard when you then split the bill equally. Those with excess wealth depriving others with less for their own gain is surely unanimously disliked.

What this has taught me is the value of money and frugality. I now to chose how to spent the money I have; for me a restaurant meal that I don’t particularly enjoy, especially when I can’t hear the conversation if it’s busy, is not worth a lot to me, let’s catch up over coffee or a picnic in the park, I’ll pay.

Yes there's a difference. The difference between circumstances and mean spirit.

I understand what you are on about , if you worked in certain areas of society millions are suffering from low wages or are on benifits and it is a dreadfull struggle to make ends meet . Then there are those who live beyond there means and show off about money and having lots of money any way so l suppose each person has there own budget according to there life style . If one is taking a lady out for a date it's nice for that person to pay for that lady untill one knows the person better , then possibly share a night out , share a meal ,dancing , cinema, theatre , night club , l always think each person is differant and you can't generally just it en mass

He is a complete freeloader who does not care. He has just turned up, more than once. We have said no.

I think this complete disregard for others is the difference with this type of freeloader.

This is my thinking, I have no issue with someone counting pennies - at the end of the day none of us know other people's financial situation and people can feel awkward managing certain social obligations when they're struggling, but when people are actively taking advantage of others then no its not something I'd tolerate either. If you're struggling just be up front and either don't attend or agree with others they're happy to foot the bill for certain things in order to have your company.

I’ve decided that there’s giver and takers in life - the takers know how to persuade the givers to give them things for free.- cars, loans, houses, holidays, stock the fridge up for free ….

My mum was a local councillor and became the town mayoress and attended lots of civic receptions usually with food, and the number of people who’d try to get into these just to steal the food they’d say they knew my mum or that she’d invited them but they’d lost their invite. - I remember the chef used to make these delicious cream choux buns and they’d disappear in minutes shoved into handbags and carrier bags.

When I married my now exh I should have seen what he and his family were like when his brother when told to take something to eat for his journey home took 3 carrier bags filled with food with him and he wasn’t poor

YANBU OP.

This sort of behaviour cost me a friend I'd had for years.
Her and her DH suggested a trip based on an activity she knew I liked and wanted to book it as her Christmas present to her DH. It was expensive so it was also my Christmas present from DH.
She suggested I book it on my card and she would pay their share to me, no problem.
As soon as I booked it she invited me to her birthday weekend in some cabins in Yorkshire. She had invited lots of colleagues and family to this weekend.
As soon as we agreed to go she started deducting what they owed for the Christmas trip from what she had organised for her Birthday weekend.

Except there seemed to be endless activities and expenses we seemed to owe for her birthday weekend, which we never saw any receipts for, just her say so.

By the time the Birthday weekend came about we attended and she'd booked these lodges for three nights. We apparently were booked for three nights even though she knew we'd not be able to stay for the third night because we had DC. Her 'friends' seemed to only be booked for one night because it was so expensive. Turned out we were paying for various family members of hers to stay the Sunday after we'd gone.
Her maths didn't seem to add up and what was the best part of a grand owed for the Christmas present trip was soaked up by our share of a shitty weekend in some crummy lodges. She actually threw the remaining £20 owed at me in front of her friends.
It became apparent she'd completely ripped us off (not the first time) and we had paid for her friends to do various activities (I know this because they told me she'd laughed about it( but we still had the Christmas present trip to do.
It turned out her DH never wanted to do that activity and their idea of the trip was to sit on their arses while we did the work and he sat about moaning and drinking.

We never saw them again because I ignored any subsequent messages from the grifting bitch.

That's revolting. What's wrong with these people?
So sorry you were screwed by these low life grifters ❤

This is solved by not giving a fuck what others think, its a very freeing way to live.

Eventually they get the message and stop asking.

I'm a 'gift giving' type person, I always find reasons to buy little things for people actually in my life so perfectly capable of sorting something myself if I deem a gift appropriate and if I don't because I don't know the person or support the reason for a gift etc... then the people asking me to chip in to the present they have choose to buy are clearly being CF (and can spend their own money to buy their own bloody gift for their own friend).

I have enjoyed this thread. It has got me thinking about such stingy freeloaders like Grandpa Joe and Uncle Frank. The Viz used to have a character called Norbert Colon. He was so stingy he cut off his foot to save money on Christmas turkey 😄

I remember Norbert Colon! I still sometimes call my DP this if he's in full Tupperware scraping mode, eking out the last of some leftovers.

After re-reading the 'bill splitter karma'' thread. This relates to financial injuries from buying drinks in rounds.

Many years ago I did a very low paid work placement. The social life was crazy. Any night was fair game for going out. They had a rule that the junior bought the first round and only that round.

The reason was they always started in a pub that had happy hour. Drinks would be 2 for 1, half price or free, depending on what you won. That way you'd done your bit and didn't need to spend any more that night.

I thought that was really sweet and thoughtful. They knew how good the social life was but they also knew the junior would miss out without a bit of help with the cost. We had some crazy nights out. Happy days 😁

@SprayWhiteDung

I used to work in retail and that would piss me off big time. Often someone simply didn't want to break into notes, and would make a big show of wanting to cancel items. All while sporting the 'Little boy that Santa Clause forgot' face. Usually some 'good Samaritan' would pay for the item. Especially as queues would build up.

Speaking of retail stingebags, we used to hate the tightwads who would haggle the reduced food. Or prevent other people buying them. One guy would bring his visibly embarrassed daughter with him. Had a nice car though.

bananabreadbatshit

"invited her for a drinks with me and a friend. She suggested we order a large wine and a pint of soda and make our own spritzers as it would be cheaper."

Sorry this is genius🤔

I once asked if my father could lend me 5p and he asked for it back a week later

That happened with somebody in our extended family - same amount actually.

The family was at the seaside and his young DS wanted a go on a machine in the arcade that cost 10p a go, but he only had 5p. He asked his dad for the addiitonal 5p, had a go and actually won 10p. Immediately, his dad asked for his 5p back.

I always remember the same chap excitedly telling of his money-saving scheme with his boiler: he calculated that, by remembering to turn off the pilot light every single night and then back on every morning, you could save a fraction over 30p every single month!

He also invested in a pay phone for his own home, to replace the standard home phone (way before mobiles), once his children got to an age where they were talking to their friends quite frequently in the evenings - but he markedly refused to give his DW the override code, so she too had to put coins in whenever she wanted to call her DM or siblings.

I suppose there are two ways of looking at it, neither of which are necessarily wrong.

You could always find a way to improve on safety and security by some measure - the safest of all would be to leave your car permanently parked on the drive and walk everywhere!

But that doesn't necessarily make the minimum approved standards a bad or dangerous choice - otherwise they wouldn't be approved!

Similarly with winter tyres: they're recommended for use in the UK, with Which? and others finding proof that they do provide an improvement in safety on British roads... but how many people actually use them and change their tyres over every year for the colder months? Are the majority of people who don't do this being tight and reckless?

Thank you. What a great read. A lesson to tightwads everywhere.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. People who consistently avoid contributing, while benefiting from the generosity of others, aren't just tight with money, they're often tight with kindness, empathy, and effort too. To me, it reflects a deeper mindset: if someone had a genuine culture of care, they'd want to chip in, to play their part, and not let others carry the load. It's not just about the money, it's about the lack of fairness, warmth, and reciprocity that makes being around them feel draining.

I echo everything that OP has said.
I detest meanness and it completely influences how I feel about the person.
In the days when I was absolutely broke with no money for nappies /heating /food, it was those who had little money themselves who helped me.
I know people who for years were the last person to buy a round of drinks and never wanted to have a meal out, yet they were loaded financially.
So irritating and bexomes the hallmark of that person

Christ my ExH is just like this, hence the ex! He thinks it's charming and says he's a "typical tight Yorkshireman".

Yeah, REALLY charming when you're declared bankrupt because your tightness extends to not paying your mortgage 🙄🙄

I shared a flat with someone with a well paid full time job and he’d steal half used toilet rolls from his workplace and bring them home in his pockets for use in our bathroom. - that was one of his many acts of stinginess

Again hard disagree. Your statement was that cheap tyres aren’t necessarily a safety compromise. There is no opposing argument. Every test/tyre statistic will tell you you’re wrong. Cars don’t stay parked in gardens, they’re 3 ton objects moving at speed and only thing keeping it connected to the ground is the tyres. Of course there’s a fall off where no matter how expensive the tyre it’s not going to give you much in terms of performance but the difference between a €80 and a €200 tyre is night and day and if you’ve ever driven a car with either fitted you’ll be able to tell as soon as you put it on the road. Fair enough if you can’t afford to pay more but to have the money and choose cheaply is in my mind at best naivety and at worse stupidity.

And yep of course winter tyres are the safest option in the cold weather. Most people (including myself) don’t get them because I’ve literally no where to store a second set of wheels. But I what I do to negate the risk as much as I can with a decent all weather tyre.

I think I'll have to agree to disagree... although it sounds like you wouldn't do the same.

I'm assuming that you're in the USA, as you use dollars and refer to 3-ton cars, which isn't the standard in the UK (although you spell 'tyres' the British way, so I may be wrong) - so there may well be other differences or considerations at play.

I don't quite understand why you're so critical of people who don't buy the expensive tyres for not prioritising safety, yet you admit that, although winter tyres are safer, you nevertheless don't bother to pay the extra to buy them and find somewhere to store them - if you really have no room for a small dedicated shed or similar, there are companies (in the UK, at least), who offer 'tyre hotels' to store the ones that you aren't currently using and then swap them over for you at the appropriate time of year. Yes, it's expensive; but if you believe that not prioritising safety is being stingy, it seems an odd choice not to do so.

I'm not looking to argue, and I respect your view; but I think this just underlines the point that different people make different decisions and risk assessments vs investment. Other people wouldn't just stop with the tyres, but would insist on buying a replacement brand-new car every two or three years, perceiving it to be safer than running an older car.

At any rate, the question of which tyres you choose to buy for your own car is a million miles away from people who never put their hands in their pockets and/or expect to have nice things, but for other people to pay for them - which is the main purpose of this thread.

Wow, so he had the money available but actively preferred to not make several mortgage payments and be declared bankrupt (and presumably lose his home) rather than give up any precious money?

Even most of the tightest people and CF freeloaders make an exception when it comes to keeping a roof above their heads!

This is so annoying. This time last year I couldn’t work because I’d had surgery for cancer, and the £450 that I earned from so many hours of marking exams was the only thing I had. My friend complained that hers had gone straight on her car repair. 😂 I agree that freeloading is so ugly. However if you’re eating out and deliberately ordering small with no alcohol etc, then I don’t believe it’s fair to split the bill.