I interrupt MIL selfish monologues with yes I know, you told me this before.

[TheRubyPoet]

MIL always interrupts every conversation into how it relates to her without letting anyone else finish. My son's graduation dinner yesterday turned into what she studied at school, how she was the oldest in her graduation year. I replied yes, you told me this before and she kept talking. So I said it louder, you told me this before.
She got visibly upset but kept talking.

After 22 years of her I have had enough of her boring monologues and inability to let someone else have a moment. When I was sick when I was pregnant she kept talking about how healthy she was and how long she breastfed for blabla.
Everything i say results in her relating it to her.
Plus hours of nonsense about train times, shop opening times, What's in Sainsbury's.
My husband is quiet and unbothered by her blathering, so she gets away with steamrolling us.
AIBU if I interrupt her and say you told me this before.

When I suffered from secondary infertility, and have 4 failed IVFs, my MIL boasted about how she had the ovaries of a 25 year old (she was in her early 60s!)
Every single time I have tried to tell my in-laws anything, I am steamrolled over by her irrelevant input and need to dominate.
After 22 years, I've had enough of being small in her presence.
My husband has had to learn that his opinion matters, that it's okay to express disagreement and say no. We have a great relationship.
I wonder if you calling me a bitch is projection, perhaps?

Yes, you're right, it's humiliating to say you told me this before and show impatience if someone is talking to a group. I mean she corners me and rants at me when I'm in the kitchen, or when my husband goes off with his dad and I'm stuck in the house with her. I end up exhausted and upset that I haven't been allowed to speak due to her need to repeat irrelevant info and lack of interest in me or anyone else.

I wish I could ignore it.
I end up feeling sad and exhausted after being ranted at and spoken over. I know I can't change her. But after 22 years I have reached peak menopause and my people pleasing tendencies have disappeared with my waistline.

God, I actually do think we have the same mother in law! I feel your pain! I could never stand up to her though as she just cries. That's her go to move whenever someone challenges her. I'm 43 for god's sake but she makes me feel like a silly child!

Why is the OP part of those "right pair" for responding to horrid behaviour? I absolutely hate it when the responding party is told "you are both as bad as each other". What do you want her to do? Sit there like a bloody stepford wife and accept it?

She sounds awful. Not just the conversation domination and self absorption but the dismissiveness/insensitivity about others.

understand your frustration and wanting to shift the conversation, but your response was rather aggressive for that kind of family occasion.

Perhaps don’t invite her to future events that are important to you, and spend much less time with her.

Your DH sounds like part of the problem if he expresses annoyance with you for trying anything other than passivity with MIL. If you tried the assertive approach like you describe and she reacted like that, it’d be fine if DH managed it well and reinforced to her that her behaviour is a problem. he’d be U to express annoyance.

Who knows? We very rarely see critical posts about FiLs on here, do we? The bar for them is so much lower, with little to no expectation they will offer childcare or ask how your delivery went, or if their DGC enjoyed Sophies birthday party or similar. They are allowed to exist largely uncriticised on the periphery. Doing as they choose, showing as little interest in the family as they please, and as long as they're not an alcoholic or actively abusive, will be generally regarded as a decent man. Its only MiLs who get 'called out' all the time, isn't it?

Both as rude as each other.

I don't think that is the case. I don't see that MILs are called out 'all the time', I have seen plenty of posts complaining about family dynamics in all their iterations. If anything, there seems to be an attitude on here that MIL's need to be given a pass because life is harder for middle aged women, or something. I'm not sure. All I am sure of is that OP has done nothing wrong in calling out her MIL in this instance. Perhaps if she shuts down her self absorption every time, MIl will at least know to reign it in around her if not in other instances.

Exactly.

OP please don't mind these posters.
They don't know what they are talking about.
My mother is like your MIL and I am like your husband.

Your MIL is a narcissist and your husband I'm sure has issues with boundaries and assertiveness. I do and I am in psychotherapy atm. Best thing i ever did.

A lifetime with someone like your MIL is not a joke. It's taking me all this time (in my 40s) to find my assertiveness. I find very very difficult to deal with my mother. Your description of your MIL is pretty much the same as her. She won't stop doing it, and you are completly right to stop her, you are modelling for your husband how to put boundaries. He is lucky to have you. Well done.

I think it's more clear cut with your MIL @TheRubyPoet because, frankly, she just isn't very nice and the monologuing amplifies what is essentially a crap personality.

With my own mother, she did all the monologuing too, same old stories in rotation about golden child brother yada yada. But other than this, she was kind and sweet. I just shut down when I was around her though, because the monologuing took over from any other aspect of her personality. In the end, you couldn't see the kind-hearted person at all because of the droning voice, on and bloody on. I agree that your MIL does need telling. It won't change anything because if she's insensitive to do it in the first place, she's crass enough to continue with it because she matters more than anyone else, don't cha know. Low contact sounds good - can't your DH start visiting her on his own?

When I suffered from secondary infertility, and have 4 failed IVFs, my MIL boasted about how she had the ovaries of a 25 year old (she was in her early 60s!)

I think I'd just have responded "No, you really haven't."

Unfortunately what you think really isn't the case. Easily evidenced too if you can be bothered. Simply search MiL and then FiL, and it will be very evident. There's no real culture of giving older women a free pass either. The site is inclined to lean towards ageism if anything. Which is self sabotaging really, considering that its the ism that's waiting for us all.

Well said

I rather suspect that OP's MIL is not in the least humiliated, and her feelings remain fully intact.

Even if what you say is the case, that still doesn't give OP's MIL a free pass or make OP 'as bad as her' for calling out rudeness. It isn't 'ageist' to expect someone to behave themselves in public (unless it is a case of literal dementia, in which case different rules apply)

I have infinite patience for elderly people who are just a bit confused and/or forget what they've already said. I also have infinite patience for the fact that some elderly people have very little to talk about, and that it's natural to want to talk about the old days or memories from years ago. That's absolutely fine.

This is not that.

Dm always used to say, “A nasty young person becomes a nastier old person.” And it’s true that personality traits become heightened as we age. So someone self-absorbed gets even worse. My aunt who is 96 chats away about all sorts of things - in the news and is always most interested in my dcs and other family members. Mil otoh was dreadful . She was the centre of her universe and if anyone ever criticised her ceaseless self-congratulatory monologues she - like pps’ relatives - started crying. And then carry right on!

OP has said that her MIL isn't autistic. So, your whole post about being kind and tolerant of people with autism is irrelevant, unless you have more knowledge and information about OP's MIL than OP does.

My dad does this but he talks about his specific interests none stop he is very likely autistic and displays most of the traits , I just have to be direct with him because he doesn't understand subtle ways of communicating so I just say "dad I'm not interested in your guitar" it does seem abrupt and rude but he only understands when people tell him exactly what they mean and doesn't get upset by it thankfully, in fact he would rather people be blunt because that's how he communicates, sometimes I will indulge him because I know it is something he's passionate about but I will let it go on for no more than 15 minutes then try and change the subject, he does it more when he's in a stressful situation aswell so I think it's his way of coping at times

Honestly, I would have just cut her off after her cruel but utterly ridiculous and untrue comment about her ovaries. I wouldn't want to be in her presence again.

Why on earth would someone in their 60s feel the need to boast about how fertile they were when her son and his wife were desperately trying to have another baby.

Not necessarily, I think that there is a phenomenon of women in the past who for cultural reasons (the patriarchy) suppressed themselves for significant portions of their lives and their true emotional expression comes out in their behaviour instead.

I think that is dying out in this generation but that active suppression is not as required when women are treated as actual human beings and are relatively emancipated comparatively.

However I moan about my FIL (the abusive twat) and while my MIL had issues I genuinely love her.

I’d bet she is upset because OP interrupted her monologue.

How on earth do you reach that conclusion?