I interrupt MIL selfish monologues with yes I know, you told me this before.

[TheRubyPoet]

MIL always interrupts every conversation into how it relates to her without letting anyone else finish. My son's graduation dinner yesterday turned into what she studied at school, how she was the oldest in her graduation year. I replied yes, you told me this before and she kept talking. So I said it louder, you told me this before.
She got visibly upset but kept talking.

After 22 years of her I have had enough of her boring monologues and inability to let someone else have a moment. When I was sick when I was pregnant she kept talking about how healthy she was and how long she breastfed for blabla.
Everything i say results in her relating it to her.
Plus hours of nonsense about train times, shop opening times, What's in Sainsbury's.
My husband is quiet and unbothered by her blathering, so she gets away with steamrolling us.
AIBU if I interrupt her and say you told me this before.

My Mil does this. I find myself increasingly resentful when she once again torpedos a nice conversation with other members of DH's family by forcing it around to anecdotes about DH and his sister when they were children.
I have more than once been left open mouthed by her non-sequiturs.

She is fundamentally a nice person but her equally nice family have been enabling this conversation 'style' for far too long now. At family meals she always ends up in the middle which often kills the conversation.

The most I can do is try to steer things back on topic. Soon the DC will be old enough to notice and I'm not sure I can be bothered to shush them.

ETA that Mil was in her 50s when I met her and was doing it then, and also that she has a full and active life with lots of things from the here and now to talk about

My mum and my MIL can be a bit repetitive and boring. They're old and a bit frail. My mum sometimes says she feels 'lesser' because she's a widow and disabled. I'm so glad nobody in our family thinks it's 'brilliant' to shut my mum down in the way the OP has shut her MIL down. Ageing is hard enough.

I guess it depends how old she is, whether she lives alone etc.

My grandma would also repeat stories and bang on about train times etc but she lived alone and was retired, so this was her way of joining in.

Yes it was draining but we would typically have a special occasion without her and then a smaller second celebration with her.

I guess it depends if she just likes everything to revolve around her or if she just doesn’t have very good social skills.

🤣

My husband can talk for hours on end about wrestling. I have no interest in wrestling whatsoever. I've taken to putting headphones in and just making the odd 'mm' sound to make it sound like I'm interested, maybe you should try the same?

How can they share stories if someone like OP’s MIL goes on and on and no one can get a word in edgewise or they do say something and the person just continues to talk about themselves?

Sounds exactly like my grandma. I try to give her a bit of leeway as she’s almost 90 and because no one can get a word in around her and her deathly boring repetitive stories about long dead relatives or people we’ve never met, everyone gives her a wide berth so wishes lonely. Which in turn makes the monologuing worse. But it’s unbearable at times. It’s actually quite a spectacle at times just how adept she is at taking information you give her about yourself and within no more than 2 minutes you’re once again somehow listening to a story about her dad who died well over 40 years ago. Or her cousin. Or a couple her and her husband met on a cruise in the 70’s.

Theres been times when I’ve stopped her dead and said ‘I have absolutely no idea who you’re on about’ and tried to get back to a different conversation but doing so is very difficult as she has absolutely no idea about the art of conversation and she monopolises your attention whilst you can hear snippets of other interesting things going on around you. You try and bring her into a conversation and bam, within minutes you’re all stuck listening to whatever her old neighbours from three houses ago said in a similar situation, at which point those wise will drift off leaving one poor sucker to sit through it.

It’s like someone just vomiting in your ears. There is no polite way to redirect and being rude only works until the next time. It’s exhausting and makes me hate having to spend time with her, which makes me feel bad as she’s old and lonely.

You have my sympathies OP but I really don’t know what to suggest as in my experience absolutely nothing works.

I should also say though this isn’t new behaviour, she was exactly the same when she was less old and less lonely.

We have no idea how old OP’s MIL is and your assumption is she must be old to be doing this?

It's an ADHD thing as well. We think we are being empathetic, sharing similar stories. People who don't have ADHD interpret it as selfish and narcissistic. Which is why it's easier to hang out with other people with ADHD.

However, I try, all the time. Whereas FIL's GF has an extreme version of this. She never listens to a word anyone says and must breathe through her ears because she never pauses. I can't spend time with her.

The op can’t make her mil feel anything, that’s not how feelings work. Feelings are created by the person having the feeling.

This thread is making me sad. For most elderly people (80's+), spending time out of the house with family is probably a rare treat. They don't have a lot of new memories being made as life slows down and getting out is harder, most of their friends are dead etc and they probably don't see many people day to day to chat to. That leaves them with nothing but old memories to reminisce about and having an audience does tend to make them chat a bit too much, bad hearing and declining cognitive abilities can mean they struggle to follow conversations so rather than listen they talk as they are in control of that.

Harsh at it may sound, they will be dead soon enough and you might regret not being more patient with them, your children and grandchildren will be rolling their eyes at you when your times comes too.

That’s really sad that she’s groomed you to think you have to accept it. And that you think she’s your responsibility. I’m really sorry you’ve experienced that and had such a poor parent.

Wow ! A 'Good deed' ??? That says more about you than your mum and MIL .

This is projection and far from universal. I’m in a book club and writing group with a number of people who are older.
They are generally fantastic company and have decent self awareness not to do the behaviour described. Once in a while a person will come along with these tendencies but they are far from universally older.

My FIL on the other hand is completely narcissistic and dominates conversations indiscriminately, also he was violent and abusive in days gone by in case speaking over others is not unpleasant enough behaviour. We rarely see him. My sister in law has taken over from him in this generation and she is no where near the ages being spoken about on this thread.

Speaking over others, making conversations all about you, dominating the conversation are behaviours most people find very draining, They are far from uniquely a MIL flaw or an older person flaw and they usually are people who need a lot of attention and struggle to regulate emotions and struggle with theory of mind of getting what their “audience” is experiencing as they behave in these ways.

My MIL has been droning on since I met her, when she was in her 40s - so it is not necessarily an age thing. She is a spectacularly lazy and self absorbed woman, so her repetitive, dull monologues are an extension of her selfish personality. There is no point telling her you’ve heard the story before. She is like the terminator, nothing will stop her talking, nothing.

I get why you do it but inherently it is a horrible thing to do and yes both of you potentially as annoying as each other for everyone else but it was a special occasion so I di get you were both forced in together.

I don’t think this is an age thing, I think people speak to so fewer people now that they go on, the art of conversation/ people’s patience is definitely at an all time low, I have recently realised I need to get back to keeping my mouth shut more and asking other people about themselves instead of letting loose everything that has gone on!

She either has no idea because she's so used to it that it feels normal, it which case there's no point hinting, you've got to be clear. Or she doesn't care, in which case stand up for yourself and address things properly.

Telling her you've heard it before is avoiding the real issue and just adding confusion/rudeness. We all.tell the same stories sometimes and it's not really a problem if its done as part if the normal conversation dynamic. With her, it's the dominating other people's moments that's bothersome, so make a comment that focuses on that if you want to speak up. "Hold on a moment Mary, I think we'd like to finish celebrating DS's achievement before we start hearing about your school accomplishments" or "That sounds interesting but it's a bit of a change of subject halfway through what i was saying - would you mind saving it until I've finished what i was saying. Thank you". At least that's what I'd try to do!

Ah OP, I do sympathise, my MIL is a bit like this too - she tells the same stories over and over, and goes on and on about her friends (and even their families?!) even though no one else is interested it all, we don't even know these people.

I feel like it's really started grating on me lately in a way it didn't before, I have never (and likely, will never) say anything but I do tend to glaze over now. It's so dull and even if she gets interrupted she'll just go "Anyway, back to my story..." and carry on 😭

In my experience an awful lot of elderly people are like this. Very self-absorbed. YANBU though.

To patronise someone in company by announcing their stories have been heard before is a form of bullying.

I read a phrase in a book the other day that really resonated, having a great deal of experience with this kind of monologue-ist. Something like 'She used her as a kind of reverse radio, switching her on in order to remorselessly transmit'. They don't want to share experiences. Other people are only there to trigger their stream of non-stop blather about themselves.

@butterpuffedwhat does it say?

I visit mum and MIL at least once a week, invite them over or take them out. Over the course of 2-3 hours I say very little but listen to them and encourage them to chat away even though I’ve heard most of it before.

I don’t really enjoy it but it gives them an outlet to express themselves and speak and reminisce etc. Some days I do t want to do it but I recognise it matters to them, so yes, I think if it as a good deed.

I find the best way to manage someone else monologing is to start another quiet private conversation with a person nearby and let them get on with it.

Ask your DH for advice on how to tune her out - sounds like he’s got it down to a fine art!

Now that's 'gaslighting'.

Reminds me of cunty people who say something fucking horrible to you, and when you respond saying that they've upset you, say 'I'm sorry you feel that way', rather than 'I'm sorry I hurt your feelings'.

Is it reasonable to point out that a significant percentage of women over 50 will have autism and no diagnosis?

My son is autistic and can be very focused on himself in his conversation sometimes. He definitely has diminished awareness of social signals that he's being boring. We gently try to steer him in a different direction if his conversation is inappropriate or too one sided.