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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if I'm totally fed up of people assuming SAHMs are rich and idle?

366 replies

bohemianbint · 26/05/2008 11:25

I am one, because I CAN'T AFFORD TO PUT TWO CHILDREN INTO CHILDCARE.

I did initially go back to work, but got shafted by my boss and am about to take him to court. We are not minted and I don't spend my time watching tv, eating bicuits and buying handbags. More's the pity. I will go back to work my my children are older, for definite, but for now, I'm stuck, whether I like it or not.

I find it hard to believe I'm the only person who can't actually afford to work?

OP posts:
SSSandy2 · 26/05/2008 20:06

that was in fact so confusing it even confused me. What I meant is I suspect she is angry about a SAHM other woman in dp's life or past life.

Whatdyathink?

squilly · 26/05/2008 20:08

Journey....Not all SAHMs make out we're the only ones looking after our children properly.

We don't all point fingers of accusation of WOHMs either or get judgey-pants about their choices.

How very dare you?!

Journey · 26/05/2008 20:10

Pleased to hear it squilly.

posieparker · 26/05/2008 20:11

Journey, oh dear how silly you sound. Just because you don't have the urge to bring your children up yourself it doesn't bode well to accuse people that do of being insecure. I refuse to enter in the boring old debate of WOHM and SAHM as most parents simply busy themselves in doing what's best for them and their children.

squilly · 26/05/2008 20:11

Oh...and Riven, your MIL is definitely clinically insane. I loved your comments about her future frailties and disabilities.

Journey · 26/05/2008 20:14

Perhaps I am a SAHM

SSSandy2 · 26/05/2008 20:16

Well I think at least we can all agree that riven's MIL is the pits.

sarah293 · 26/05/2008 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

handlemecarefully · 26/05/2008 20:19

Yes the 'insecure' charge was rather outlandish, ill advised (and quite 'chippy' I think)

alipiggie · 26/05/2008 20:37

riven sounds like the best plan. I'm glad my MIL is soon to be an Ex - can we divorce them too .

findtheriver · 26/05/2008 20:50

Klaw - your language is extremely emotive! It keeps cropping up time and time again on threads like this eg ' I want to look after my child' (WOHP don't look after their kids?) ' don't want to pay someone to bring up my child' (WOHP still bring their kids up actually) 'I enjoy being with my children' (the rest of us are heartless bastards who don't?).... it's pathetic!!
If you are in a position to have the choice, then stay home if that's what suits you. My SIL is a SAHM and she's quite up front about why - it's because that's what she wants to do. She doesnt claim it's better for her kids, she's honest about the fact that she never had a very interesting job pre-children and she's content to take the lion's share of day to day home based stuff. If I were in her position I might do the same. No problem. It's the using emotive language and trying to pretend that parents who work outside the home WHICH ARE THE VAST MAJORITY are somehow not bringing up our kids. For the record, DH and I love our kids, we both enjoy being with them, it makes us both happy!! And we enjoy our working lives too!!!

Squack · 26/05/2008 20:53

I'm neither rich nor idle unfortunately.

I love being a SAHM, in fact, I love it so much I've decided to HE them, so I'll only be working 1/7 for the next 15 years.

edam · 26/05/2008 20:59

I'd love to be rich and idle. Prepared to be a SAHM if it's an essential part of the deal - anyone know where I can apply?

KnickersOnMaHead · 26/05/2008 21:05

Message withdrawn

MrsTittleMouse · 26/05/2008 21:16

I had to give up work when I was pregnant, because we moved and I was having a difficult pregnancy. Then I had a difficult delivery and had PTSD and physical problems as a result. And DD would not sleep. And we moved again. Twice. So not the best circumstances to go out and look for a new job.
Then DD finally decided to sleep through and I started feeling a bit better, and we decided to try for DB2. Job hunting and difficult fertility treatment and a demanding toddler anyone? And now I'm pregnant (hurray!) and feeling crap again, and in a part of the country where I would need to earn huge amounts of money in order to break even with 2x childcare plus transport costs.
Why on Earth would I put my physical and mental wellbeing on the line for that?

MrsTittleMouse · 26/05/2008 21:19

And miss out on loads of "firsts"/hugs/smiles/games/jokes to boot. I have no problem with WOHM at all, whether they are in work because they need the money, or because they find that it fills a need that childcare can't. I can completely understand both reasons. I just wish that I didn't have certain people treating me as though I was some kind of Stepford wife.

lizziemun · 26/05/2008 21:22

to the OP.

Like you I am a sahm because i can't afford childcare for 2 children or the costs invovled in getting a 2nd car to get to work.

I can not work when DH isn't at work because he is on call all the time, and yes people do mention the fact i should work in the evening/night but do they realy expect my mum (who works FT, and lives around the corner from us) to get up and look after my children at night if DH has to go into work (1hour away) this could be everynight or go months without any calls.

But on the other hand i will be doing a course this year either in bookkeeping or something so i can work in schools when dc go to school.

cheesesarnie · 26/05/2008 21:27

im not a sahm but am idle.

but no we couldnt afford for me to work.but i did when ds1 was 2 until he was 4 because i felt i should.i liked my job but decided that we were slightly better off finacially with me at home and when ds2 was born i decided i wanted to be at home.

Klaw · 26/05/2008 22:41

Findtheriver, why do you happily accept SIL reasons for being a SAHM but when I say it's because I don't want to pay someone else most of my take home pay to do it and I enjoy being with mine do you suddenly accuse me of saying "the rest of us are heartless bastards who don't?" I NEVER said any of those things. I merely gave my reasons for wanting to be a SAHM, I never criticised anyone else. I did state that if people had problems with my preference that it was their problem not mine. And many others have the same preference as me, I notice...

I never realised 'look after my child' was considered emotive. How else should I put it? When I am with my child I am looking after her, no? And when dp has her he is looking after her. I could never understand why some men refer to looking after their own children as 'babysitting them'

So my mistake, I thought I was innocently giving my reasons for being a SAHM and pointing out that this particular SAHM (for the time being) is not rich and idle.

findtheriver · 26/05/2008 22:45

Missing out on the 'firsts' thing is another piece of emotive claptrap. Our eldest took stood up and took her first step when my friend was with her in the sitting room and I was refilling the kettle in the kitchen! I didnt feel I'd missed out at all. It was a couple of evenings later that dd decided to do her party trick again - that was the first time I saw her walk which is all that matters to me. And as none of our children are going to remember their first smile, step or word, I doubt it matters much to them either!

posieparker · 27/05/2008 08:08

findtheriver, why so angry? Would it be so difficult to understand that some parents would like to be the ones that comfort their children when they cry, call for Mummy/Daddy, watch their first steps, hear their first words? This doesn't mean we're better parents it means that we like to parent in a different way, the stay at home way.
This debate is so old and there are many benefits on either side but at best it is a personal choice and not really for the opinions of others, especially the damning other mothers. It seems to me that SAHMs always have to defend their position as it is attacked and WOHMs defend their position in order to attack.

conniedescending · 27/05/2008 09:06

PP - just to answer your questions....callcentre work can be done from home, you just need a headset, broadband and a BT line. You can also work evenings/nights weekends as lots of calls are from overseas.

Dogwalking - there is a lady in my village who does this, started small and now has a nice business with several other dog walking mummies who work alongside her.

I guess when your DH is loaded these kind of things are to be sneered at but you can certainly make a living from them. Sick of the defeatist attitude of some sahm's......ooohhh moan whinge moan whinge cant afford to work blahhhhhh.......if you really needed the money you would do these 'yucky' jobs.

findtheriver · 27/05/2008 09:11

Not in the slightest bit angry posie - perhaps you're reading things that aren't there?
I also comforted my children, fed them, nurtured them, watched them walk, smile etc etc - as did DH. In fact all the parents I know do - it isnt something that only the minority of parents who don't go to work do!!I'm simply pointing out that when people say that age old line 'I don't want to miss the first smile/word' etc I think it's playing on emotions rather than a hugely significant thing in itself. I adored watching my babies smile every time they did, not just once!

RubyRioja · 27/05/2008 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

posieparker · 27/05/2008 09:20

Findtheriver, but that's why some people are SAHPs because they feel that they would miss out. When I see little children at nursery (there is one attached to my children's school) and I see them crying or with a snotty nose for more than five minutes I thank goodness I stayed home as I would hate that to be my children. I don't begrudge the parents that leave their children there, damining them and thninking they're bad parents. I am really happy that I can afford to stay home and despite some days wishing I could return to my job the flip side of leaving my children is a choice I could not make. You must realise that for some people they find SAH a worthy and lovely thing to do and your defensiveness is questionable. I don't feel the need to attack your position because I'm happy with mine as are ,most SAHMs who say happily, I like being there for my children, which you seem to think is all about you.