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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When the inlaws move away...

115 replies

Peekaboooooo · 10/07/2025 02:03

The inlaws moved 4 hours away, about three years ago. Dc's are only under 6. They moved away from us/our area, to a very quiet location and not near any other family. They're retired, around 60, and seem quite active and social in their day to day lives.
They make it obvious (intentionality or unintentionally, I'm not sure) that they don't need dh and us as a family, and don't want to be needed themselves. They've very much pulled away and seem quite detatched. When we do see them every few months, they're really ott with the dc's, very excitable and full on. But in between seeing them, they go quiet. It's like, out of sight, out of mind. They seem to want the nice, fun bits of seeing us on the odd weekend but show no interest at any other time.
I find it strange but then the relationship I have with my parents is very different. Dh has been hurt by the way they behave, being very all or nothing, on their terms. Dh will send them photos or videos of the dc from time to time but this doesn't really get much reaction. They didn't send a birthday card for ds recently, then told us that they wouldn't be able to make his party as it's too far to come in a day and back (despite the fact they've done it a couple of times before.

What are people's experiences of this with family moving away? Is the hurt on our side valid at all?

OP posts:
Needspaceforlego · 10/07/2025 02:19

I don't blame your DH for feeling hurt.
I don't think there is much you can do about it. 3/4 hour drive and back again in the same day is a lot of driving. And I get they wouldn't want to do that.

I think you can only manage your own expectations so don't expect much from them. And likewise I wouldn't be bending over backwards to help them nor would I be trying to visit them that often either.

Its that old thing you reep what you sow, and they can't expect a close relationship with their DGC if they aren't putting in much effort.

Steelworks · 10/07/2025 04:33

Their model of grandparenting is what I’m used to. None of my dc’s grandparents lived nearby and we’d visit every few months, or they’d visit us, and when we’d see each other, we’d be pleased to see them,

Four hours each way is definantly too far to visit in a day.

I don’t think it’s personal. They’re just enjoying their retirement.

what was their relationship with you before they moved?

Arlingtonchase · 10/07/2025 04:47

YABU

Eight hours driving in a day, just to attend a child's party where they probably wouldn’t get to spend much time with him or other family anyway, is ridiculous.
You should be glad they are independent people not centring their lives round your family (though I agree the lack of birthday card is poor).

Whether their move will still seem like a good decision when they get older and possibly their health starts failing is a different matter.

whynotmereally · 10/07/2025 05:35

I wouldn’t expect that to drive that far for a day. Forgetting a birthday is poor though. Did they help out a lot when they lived closer? They may feel they want to enjoy their grandchildren but not be directly involved in raising them which is fair. The only issue may be in another 15 years or so they may find Thry would benefit from support and have no one close by to help.

Zanatdy · 10/07/2025 06:03

You shouldn’t be expecting them to drive 8hrs in a day for a child’s party. Can they not stay overnight? They see you every few months which is normal for GP who live a distance away. What more are you expecting?

Moonnstars · 10/07/2025 06:03

It's wrong that they forgot to send a card, but travelling 8 hours in a day is a lot to expect. Did you offer to host them in your house?

My in laws live a similar distance (which in my view is no bad thing). They will generally see the grandchildren if they visit while they come down on holiday (which they usually book Mon - Fri when the kids are at school) and because of the clubs the kids attend (and the in laws wanting to be in different places) we only usually see them briefly one evening. We will go visit them a couple of times a year, again as it is not something you can do in a day and trying to find a suitable time (for us all) limits the options.

Superhansrantowindsor · 10/07/2025 06:39

Been there - slightly different circumstances but it was so hurtful and upsetting. I still haven’t got over it tbh even though they’ve been gone years. YANBU to be upset.

Step5678 · 10/07/2025 06:44

They sound pleasant, just not overly involved and living their own lives. Dream in laws in my view!

So I suppose the issue is with your own expectations, and maybe you had an idea of them that wasn't the reality. You may need to let go of the expectations and accept who they actually are

Shoxfordian · 10/07/2025 06:47

I'd rather have in laws like that than overly involved ones who live round the corner

Titasaducksarse · 10/07/2025 06:47

They're enjoying their retirement as they see fit. Maybe they felt if they were in closer proximity they'd be asked to do lots of childcare, which evidently they don't want to do.

Boomer55 · 10/07/2025 06:49

I wouldn’t travel 8 hours to attend a child’s party, even if it was a GC.

Let them enjoy their retirement - if they kept coming around to your house, no doubt you’d be moaning you wanted a break from them.🤷‍♀️

MikeRafone · 10/07/2025 06:53

As a grandmother I love living close by and having constant contact, but everyone is different. It may well be hurtful that your in-laws have detached, but I’d say acceptance of the situation is the best thing. Accept that you have a wonderful family and they want to be on the outside

when they age and need help, that detachment maybe a blessing as 8 hours return trip isn’t going to be possible to help out.

MsJemimaPuddleDuck · 10/07/2025 06:55

8 hours of driving to attend a childs party? Come on op even you know that’s unrealistic.
maybe they moved away so they wouldnt get pulled into doing childcare.

myplace · 10/07/2025 06:58

I’m approaching retirement age. We’re burned out. We have elderly parents, adult children and work full time. We feel very squeezed- though the kids are no bother, bless them.
Energy levels are low. We haven’t had a holiday in ages because organising it seems overwhelming.

Dreaming of quiet and freedom from responsibilities. Taking up a hobby. I always wanted to be fully present and involved with any grandchildren, as we managed mainly alone when we had dc. But my kids are leaving it late, so by the time it happens I don’t know what energy we’ll have left 🤣

At the moment I just want to be somewhere quiet…

Doidontimmm · 10/07/2025 06:58

We live 4/5 hours from our granddaughter, sorry there is no way we would travel there and back for one day for a birthday party no matter how much we adore her.

We would though send a card, present and FaceTime and take her out the next time we see her.

We don’t communicate a lot in between visits because neither of us have that kind of relationship with my stepson’s girlfriend- she doesn’t messsge us either though so it’s two way. In face we realised she doesn’t even know what jobs we do as never asks about us, whereas when we meet up we get on great and we chat about all aspects of her life.

My stepson isn’t a chatty person so he only sends his dad the odd text, my DH texts him more.

None of this means though we don’t love them & think about them. We have a fantastic relationship with our granddaughter when we see her and via FaceTime.

Anytime I’ve tried texting - how are you all, I just get “we are good, you?” so it’s hard.

WhatNoRaisins · 10/07/2025 07:06

My two cents here are that long distance family relationships can still be fulfilling and meaningful but I think it's a big adjustment the first time this happens in a family.

If they are making the time for you to meet up regularly throughout the year that's positive. I think you need to let go of the idea that they'll come all the way to you for a day trip.

Would they be open to video calls with you and the kids? Are there any nice spots you could meet midway?

Finally if close knit family is your normal then there's no shame in struggling to process this change in circumstances. It is a massive adjustment and I get grieving what's been lost.

Original poster
Peekaboooooo · 10/07/2025 07:28

To be honest, we did suggest they stay over for the party as it is too far in a day but it was their idea to do it in a day for some reason. But now, they're not going to come at all. They are the sort of couple that won't communicate properly so if there is an issue, we'll never know.

I think what got us more is that this is the second or third time something like this has happened around the dcs birthdays.

When they did live nearer too us, they were very excited for dc1's arrival and appeared to enjoy seeing us more then. But that dwindled.

I think the hardest thing is the inconsistency. Dh said he's felt this from them since childhood. They show love and interest, then nothing.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 10/07/2025 07:31

This really sounds quite normal to me. They are independent but make a fus of the grandchildren when they see them.
The birthday card is a bit crap but far too far to drive there and back in a day. Did you offer for them to stay with you?

Original poster
Peekaboooooo · 10/07/2025 07:36

Yes we did offer, the day trip was their idea

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 10/07/2025 07:39

It sounds like even living locally they'd disappoint you OP. I get it, my in laws blow hot and cold with us too. I find I fluctuate between resentment and acceptance.

Hemmo617 · 10/07/2025 07:40

People have their own lives to lead. Our DS’s GP all live nearby but have very little to do with him because they feel they are too old to have as much of an active involvement as they did with their other GC who are all much older than my DS.

They offered full childcare for free for the other GC to allow the parents to work yet we have paid around £50k in nursery fees as they didn’t want to help us. It’s not fair in terms of equal support but neither are their circumstances the same as they were 15+ years ago when they helped with their other GC.It’s just something we have got used to. I’d never want to force someone into doing something against their will.

One inevitable outcome though is that my DS is nowhere near as close to his GP as the other GC are. He’s never been on a day out with them or stopped overnight at their house so they are not really a big part of his life at all. They don’t attend his parties or anything like that. In many ways it feels like they have resigned their roles as GP where our DS is concerned. They still do plenty for the other GC who are now all adults.

Sharptonguedwoman · 10/07/2025 07:43

OP, gently, who is interested in a child’s birthday party apart from that child and their parents? The birthday thing is poor, granted.
Did they ever say why they moved? Is it a part of the country they’ve always loved?

If they are 60, they might have 25 yrs to live a life they really enjoy.

StMarie4me · 10/07/2025 07:48

There was a poster the other day saying that they don't want grandchildren, as they’ve done their parenting and they have seen their friends’ lives taken over with grandchildren. They are entitled to feel that way, but I understand it is not what your DH and you would have wanted. Just try to be glad that you have your parents involvement.

Hemmo617 · 10/07/2025 07:51

StMarie4me · 10/07/2025 07:48

There was a poster the other day saying that they don't want grandchildren, as they’ve done their parenting and they have seen their friends’ lives taken over with grandchildren. They are entitled to feel that way, but I understand it is not what your DH and you would have wanted. Just try to be glad that you have your parents involvement.

That’s pretty much our situation. There is a 15 year age gap between our DS and the next youngest GC. Both sets of GP openly stated they felt they’d already done their bit as GP and didn’t want to go through it all again.

Autumnnow · 10/07/2025 08:17

On the plus side, in twenty years time, when your kids have flown the nest and you have time to do things child-free, you will not feel obliged to make regular four-hour journeys to offer care to your in-laws. They've chosen to distance themselves, physically and emotionally so won't be dependent on you in their old age. Read some of the elderly parents threads on here to understand what a blessing that will be.