When the inlaws move away...

[Peekaboooooo]

The inlaws moved 4 hours away, about three years ago. Dc's are only under 6. They moved away from us/our area, to a very quiet location and not near any other family. They're retired, around 60, and seem quite active and social in their day to day lives.
They make it obvious (intentionality or unintentionally, I'm not sure) that they don't need dh and us as a family, and don't want to be needed themselves. They've very much pulled away and seem quite detatched. When we do see them every few months, they're really ott with the dc's, very excitable and full on. But in between seeing them, they go quiet. It's like, out of sight, out of mind. They seem to want the nice, fun bits of seeing us on the odd weekend but show no interest at any other time.
I find it strange but then the relationship I have with my parents is very different. Dh has been hurt by the way they behave, being very all or nothing, on their terms. Dh will send them photos or videos of the dc from time to time but this doesn't really get much reaction. They didn't send a birthday card for ds recently, then told us that they wouldn't be able to make his party as it's too far to come in a day and back (despite the fact they've done it a couple of times before.

What are people's experiences of this with family moving away? Is the hurt on our side valid at all?

Nope. A lot of grandparents provide childcare and are involved in helping raise GC. It’s only on mumsnet where it’s normal for absent GCs who don’t bother even attending their GCs birthdays.

FIL is like this and he doesn’t even have the excuse of distance! He has been to our house literally once in his life. I’m not sure MIL (now deceased) ever visited.

They will meet us in nice restaurants, and if those aren’t child friendly (eg baby cries, toddler tries to explore) then I have to leave the meal and wrangle the children outside by myself. We see them maybe 2-3 times a year.

FIL then had the gall to be offended that DS didn’t recognise him aged 3. Contrast that to my DM, who picks DS up from school one day a week, goes on holiday with us, and looks after DS in the holidays. DM lives 90mins away, FIL lives 20mins away (and went through our station on his way to work before he retired last year).

DH says FIL was like this when DH was a child too - made it very clear he wasn’t interested. I think some people just don’t like spending time with children, including their own, so when they don’t have to they just don’t.

There's a mid way between the those extremes though & I should think that that's where a lot of Gps are.

Childcare involves watching them for a few hours, occasionally babysitting, arranging to go shopping together or spending the weekend together. It’s not just minding them whilst the parents work as a nursery substitute. When you take them to the park for an hour whilst parents get a break for example is part of raising them. I do feel sometimes reading the posts on mumsnet that it’s either something or nothing at all.

Selfishly I ld be silently grateful it's not my parents who are like that

I've got in laws slightly like this. I think mine are just feckless and stupid more than anything, because they wonder why the child doesn't know /like them when they visit and don't seem to put 2 and 2 together. It's sad and embarrassing for yours (and my) partner, but I'm glad I never have to see them.

I think it's a shame they didn't suggest coming and doing something nice around their DC birthday, but a child's birthday party should always be optional for people who haven't got children to bring in my opinion. I've never understood adult parties for children.

I’m 54 and a grandma to 4 kids and I love them all , but I also work full time as a cook in a care home . I also do 6-7 fitness classes per week , I have my grandkids when I can work permitting- but it’s not like it used to be years ago ! They have their own lives as well

I agree with others four hours drive each way is much too far for a day trip.
Not sending your son a card is very disappointing though. Are they going to give him/send him something next time they see him.
Seeing them every few months seems reasonable and more than some grandparents see their grandchildren especially given the distance though .Also it sounds as though they are make a fuss of them when they see them .
They do have their own lives to lead though and surely they have a right to enjoy their retirement. It sounds as though they do love their grandchildren but that doesn't mean they have to be the centre of their world.

Not a chance I’d sit in a car for 4 hours to attend a birthday party.

However also not a chance I’d sit in a car for 4 hours to go and help elderly in-laws who’d not shown much interest in me or my children.

so probably what goes around will come around OP.

YANBU WRT how you feel about them given their attitude. My IL’s live locally (10 min drive) and are a bit like this. It’s frustrating and hurtful. My DGP’s were heavily involved in my life as a child. I saw them all weekly, often more than once. I was hoping the same for my own children but some live far away and the ones that live close by only bother once every 4-6 weeks. I feel really sad for my children. But I can’t control what other people do. I can only control my response to it and what I do. You can stop sending them photos and stop trying to over-involve them as they clearly don’t want that. They may (or may not? 🤷‍♀️) change their minds later. But then it’s up to you how you will navigate that. I definitely wouldn’t be making exceptions or allowances for them. And I wouldn’t be doing a long journey with my kids for grandparents who don’t want to be involved. But then that’s something you’ll have to work through with your husband.

YABU however to expect them to do a day trip when they live 4 hours away. Regardless of whether or not they have done it before, that’s FAR!

That's really disappointing that they didn't even send a card. Did they at least message on the day?
My ILs live overseas so never attend any parties, and once DC2 was born would regularly forget to send anything for DC1 birthday. We started dividing up whatever they each were sent between them to make it fair (ie dc2 got 20pound, so they get 10pound each, if dc1 birthday gets remembered and they send another 20pound, they each get 10pound again, and so on).
When we're with them, they mostly are interested but also quite dismissive of childish things (playing on a swing, needing little regular meals). Both DC know what's what now that they're older. We FaceTime instead and I ask them to give a polite 10mins each, which they do.
As PP have said, there's not much you can do. I'd suggest backing off a bit from sending any updates. Maybe just on mother's/father's day and Christmas.
All the best

If it really annoys you, them not bothering to visit for birthdays and saying it's too far to drive, just passive-aggressively say "good to know, for when one of you breaks a hip".

Could be worse. I’ve a MIL round the corner and I can count on one hand the times she’s visited in the last 4/5 years. She never bothers and we moved areas to be closer to her.

My parents in law were crazy keen to have grandkids, but when they arrived they were loving but reserved. Not what they implied they would be at all

We asked them to have the 2 boys stay the night when they were 6 and 3 while we had a rare evening out.
I rang to check they were OK. Mil was put out because the youngest wouldnt go to sleep. Very strange as they always were angels at home or at my parents house... who wanted them to stay the odd nights and we just had the night off...

We arrived at 8am next morning to collect. I wasnt happy to put on them any more than necessary, after the phone conversation id not settled but dh said it's OK.
Turned out his mother was very old school, I knew that, but how!!!!!
She put the 3 yr old upstairs to bed alone whilst they kept the 6 yr old downstairs playing. .. because he was eldest son, who to them were the king...
We love all 3 of our kids (daughter came later) and they get equal treatment.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so stupid as to change the rules, (as the lads went to bed together at home,) not to mention the fact it was a strange house and youngest so young!

Upshot was i never left them with her again. She sat with boys overnight when I was in labour with 3rd child, but in our home.

You get what you deserve.

Sounds like you’re miffed that they’re not available for child minding for you.

My inlaws were same . We are 30 + years married
Moved Way about 18 years ago . About 3hrs away . Never really interested in x2 only gc .even when lived nearby . I had to do all pushing to arrange meeting up etc .
I tried to keep the connection for my x2 children sake but realized about 5 years ago that there actually isn't any relationship there now . My x2 adultC don't make an effort much with them as adults now . I stopped trying x5 years ago as light bulb moment . They never put themselves out to meet up . Always us travelling to them. A few years ago their s my H had serious medical issue. It Took 11 weeks for them to visit !!! & Only when I told them eventually that they should as long overdue considering it was almost ,3 months !! They came next day . ! We have moved 2½ years ago still same area & they have never even seen this new home . I just do bare minimum re contact as it's draining . I think menopause taught me to just do what suits ourselves , not them .
On my side of family it's so so different . This is why I tried for over 2 decades to make a real effort . But it was never reciprocated . .
Now our children are adults, we suit ourselves, ring them whenever we might think & call maybe 2 or 3 times max . Use to make a real effort for their birthdays & Christmas, but now I don't . We meet up a few weeks before, ½ way, for a dinner . Birthdays we just send card & ring
I think sad , used to bother me a lot but now I don't let it . they will always be the same . Only interested in THEMSELVES - . SO LET THEM . Don't waste ur time . They will never change unless they want to themselves

Selfish Boomers. Fuck em.

Just remember this when they need caring for I’m afraid!

Good for them! They're enjoying their life, as we all should do. They don't expect their family to run around after them because they're independent. They've not even moved very far!
OP, families can be spread all over the world. Living in each other's pockets can be suffocating and there are other equally, or more, important things in life. Your in laws sound like wonderful people, to be admired.

No birthday cards? This is more than about distance. Equally they could stay in a hotel and make it a two or three day trip...not like they have a job to get back to. If they wanted to be active grandparents they would, unfortunately for the kiddos it seems like they don't.

Like many people our jobs weren't near either set of parents. Inlaws 4.5 hours and mine 7.5 hours away.
We would never expect them to do a return journey it in one day. We always offered them a room and we would stay at their house.

If the post is anything like ours his card could still be in the post. I live in the South East and only have one collection a day. It took 8 days for a first class card to get to Nottingham.

I know many people who move once their children have left home. Or have plans too move to the seaside or the countryside.

This is so very sad,I hate to see GPs that don't see their GC or make the effort,my Mam came from Ireland to see my girls and my 2 girls went to stop with her for a month in the summer from about the ages of 6 and 8 she used to come over to the UK regularly to help me out,I split with the girls Dad when they were 4 and 2,I lived next door to my in laws until the day we moved back to Ireland when they were 13 and 11,my in-laws were absolutely brilliant and looked after us all brilliantly,sadly they died few years ago and girls are now 29 and 27..I've got 1 granddaughter and love being a grandparent myself..

Having read lots of threads on Mumsnet, it's clear that neither parents nor parents-in-law can get things right for everyone. We're too close, too interfering, too far away, show an awful lack of interest, want to take over their children's or grand children's lives..... The list of complaints from, generally, daughters and daughters-in-law continues to grow. I only want to point out that sometime, in the not too distant future, you may find yourself the subject of of one of these gripes. Good luck! Fully expect to be shot down in flames here for putting my head above the parapet.

I could have written this v.similar situation. Caused us lots of upsets I've decided out o sight out if mind is fine. We made a big effort, offered to take them out always a resounding no apart from when we offered to pay for a week in a hotel nr where we live they jumped at that. They also recently said they would do cards as gifts to much for thie budget. Then boasted about new recliner chairs cost £6k they bought. Defiantly stopped going on at my husband about it as it causes us issues. Just focus on your parents and visit sparingly.

I'm on the other side of this.
Me and my partner are from 2 different towns 4 1/2 hours away from each other. We moved to his town and saw his family every day, which is just too much for me. We were there for about a year and a half and in that time I came home about 4 or 5 times, I had a child down there and my family didn't come to visit and I was actually glad, my mum was happy to come but i genuinely didnt want anyone around and to be in our own bubble for a few weeks. His family have always acted like mine are weird and slack for not travelling 4 1/2 hours away to visit or help us but i would never ask them to and I would hope noone would ever ask the same of me. We then moved to my town and have been here for 3 years. I know for sure they talk crap about us and think we're slack for not driving down there for every event, every nieces and nephews birthday etc. I don't even invite them to my kids birthdays because I know they would come, "make a weekend of it" and stay in our house and what was supposed to be a birthday party for a few hours turns into hosting people for 3 days which, i hate anyone staying at my house. Some people are just different, I don't miss people if I don't see them apart from my own children. And it is pretty much out of sight out of mind, if im not looking at you im probably not going to be talking to you, I don't really message anyone unless its to organise seeing them in person and this goes for all my friends and family. Most people don't care because theyre busy too, but when people do care and complain about it i find the relationship too high maintence, it wont make me want to spend more time with them, it will just make me feel like I have to and resent them for it. But none of these people are my grand kids, if the love for a grandchild is anything like the love for my own children I'd drive 20 hours just to give them a hug.