When the inlaws move away...

[Peekaboooooo]

The inlaws moved 4 hours away, about three years ago. Dc's are only under 6. They moved away from us/our area, to a very quiet location and not near any other family. They're retired, around 60, and seem quite active and social in their day to day lives.
They make it obvious (intentionality or unintentionally, I'm not sure) that they don't need dh and us as a family, and don't want to be needed themselves. They've very much pulled away and seem quite detatched. When we do see them every few months, they're really ott with the dc's, very excitable and full on. But in between seeing them, they go quiet. It's like, out of sight, out of mind. They seem to want the nice, fun bits of seeing us on the odd weekend but show no interest at any other time.
I find it strange but then the relationship I have with my parents is very different. Dh has been hurt by the way they behave, being very all or nothing, on their terms. Dh will send them photos or videos of the dc from time to time but this doesn't really get much reaction. They didn't send a birthday card for ds recently, then told us that they wouldn't be able to make his party as it's too far to come in a day and back (despite the fact they've done it a couple of times before.

What are people's experiences of this with family moving away? Is the hurt on our side valid at all?

I think he needs to work on accepting this which I know is hard. It’s a “match their energy “ thing. I know for example as does my daughter to ignore anything my mum promises as age just likes saying things and thinks that’s as good as doing the thing. My daughter is older though so I can have better conversations about how grandmas lack of interest is no reflection on her.

I totally understand your hurt OP and that of your DH. My parents did the same when my kids were very small and it hurt like hell and still does many years later. As a result of years of apathy and disinterest on their part they’ve got no relationship at all with my kids, nor with me, and it’s such an enormous shame. I just have to tell myself that it’s their loss - which it is. Really hard to deal with though esp when other GPs are so present and involved (which thankfully my in-laws are despite living a 5 hour drive away). Yours sound like they’re really not interested in making the effort to maintain a good relationship with their GC - not sending a birthday card is thoroughly shit behaviour, no excuses. I would minimise contact with them and focus on your children and your parents and the people in your life that make you happy.

Just match their energy let them get on with things.

I think the hardest thing is the inconsistency. Dh said he's felt this from them since childhood. They show love and interest, then nothing.

So the issue isn’t being grand parents. It’s their MO.
very performative and on their terms only rather than a shared relationship.

I’m not surprised your dh is hurt. He didn’t seem feel seen then nor does he now. And he will see their behaviour as hurtful to his dcs, which is doubly hurtful to him.

Yes ofc people have different ways of being etc..l but the hot and cold. The over the top performance vs ignoring is something else.

They're just living their lives the way they want to. They've raised their children amd now want to live life their way. Its totally fine.

It happens I guess they want time just for them, they raised their family and no longer want that full on family involvement. It doesn't sound the worst to be honest, it still sounds like they do care.

Some parents are like that, when you get to adulthood and are settled are kind of done with that part of life. I think it's can be a tricky thing as grandparent support is often expected now even my MIL who is the most maternal, family orientated person you can imagine sometimes feels like she has had enough of being used a free childcare by my husbands brother and his wife. My aunt and uncle moved to a one bedroom flat because when they still lived in the family home with an extra bedroom it was just expected that Grandchildren could stay overnight or for a week at a time and they had had enough of it.

Ideally grandparents are involved and it works out well for everyone but some parents take the piss and some grandparents aren't that interested.

This happened to me. My mum lived 2 roads over to me. Saw them every day. She did school runs for my son. My son calls my dad his best friend. Then pow They moved 3.5 hours away. I was gutted:

Do I miss them yes 100%.
Am I hurt they did it. Yes 100%.
Am I happy for them. Yes 100%
they are living their best life now. Going on holidays, socialising and they seem content and happy. Would I be happier with them nearby yes. Would my life be easier yes. But it is what it is.
I could choose to move closer to them if I really wanted to. I’m not going to but if I was that bothered I could. They seem happy after years of working, putting up with my ceap and my brothers crap so as long as they are happy ❤️

I still could do with the child care and cups of tea!

Most grandparents are like this, even the ones who live close by.

OP , they are just living their lives their way.
It's not something that would appeal to DH and I but I can understand why some people would like to live out their last couple of decades doing exactly what they want to do.
They have chosen "fun times" over day to day support (which they nay view as drudgery), you don't have to accept that though, it's your call.
Personally, I'd have loved it.

If they were never that close with their son in the first place, they're not going to change for grandkids. Pre-children what was the relationship between your partner and his parents and how often did he see them, as that's the baseline.

I’d like to hear their side of the story.

Were you very demanding of them when they lived close?

This is your thread OP, not mine, but we have a similar story.

DP’s parents did a surprise move to a country overseas. We never used them for childcare or asked anything of them. DP’s family were all close and loving and they seemed to enjoy getting together. DP was very close to his parents.

We only see them now every couple of years at most. They come over, we have a wonderful time together, and it’s very hard when they leave. We can’t travel for medical reasons and as they’re getting older, they’re less keen on travelling. We never know if their visit is going to be their last (they keep suggesting it might be).

It’s difficult because when we see them, it’s a reminder of the lovely times we’re missing. Our DC really miss them. And it’s clear they miss us too. DP finds it really really difficult.

They didn’t move to get away from family, they just wanted away from the crappy U.K. weather and a different pace of life. And they were prepared to sacrifice family time to get that. Different priorities I guess.

I think PP suggestion of matching their energy is smart. There’s no excuse for not sending a birthday card (we had that too!)

Visit them when it suits you but I wouldn’t put yourselves out. I’d probably not bother inviting them to birthday events either - it’s less hurtful than being constantly let down.

It takes a while to shift your expectations but when you manage it, you’ll find it’s all much less hurtful. Bracket them in the same group as a friendly aunt and uncle rather than parents/grandparents - but that goes both ways. If they need help one day, they’ll need to figure it out themselves.

OP has never said she expects childcare from them! Of course that’s a big ask and many GPs don’t want to do that, or can’t for whatever reason. That’s not the issue here.

Match their energy. Don't go out your way to keep in touch when they don't want it. I'd also rethink the visits. Give them what they want. I can understand your husbands feelings but what else can u do?

How where they before they moved? Did they childmind a lot? Did yous see them much? Are they like this with other family?

Maybe they have travelled a couple of times for a birthday party and that has made them realise it is too much for them? No card is crap. Sadly they make little effort - I’m a big believer in matching energy. Try it. Invest less emotionally and lower your expectations and they may come over better to you.
The way your parents are is not universal, and that is okay too.

This, perhaps they as a couple have always had their own ideas and plans for when they reached this age and they're following through with that... you only get one life.
They seem to be pleasant and involved when they do see you and the gc, although not sending a card was a bit off, I don't they're doing anything wrong at all.

Forgetting to send birthday cards (or gifts?) is wrong I think. But you also say they just seem to want to do the fun bits of being grandparents. I personally think people are entitled to do the fun bits - they aren't the parents after all and have already raised their own children (however well). Not all grandparents want to be doing the school run everyday or babysitting constantly. Look on the bright side - you won't be expected/able to drive them to GP/hospital appointments in 10/15 years time or do their weekly shop for them either 🤷‍♀️

I would feel very hurt too in this situation.

When one or both of them become poorly or infirm, you’ll be off the hook though!
As you said, out of sight and out of mind.

Out of interest is your dh an only child?

When our DD's were little they had two sets of grandparents who were very different.

My DH's parents were outgoing, independent business owners with a busy social life and made it quite clear from the beginning that they would not be the kind of grandparents who regularly babysat our kids and we were not to expect them to look after them while we went to work etc. They had raised their kids and had no interest in raising ours. They love and adore them but had no interest in 'looking after them' or being too hands on. The kids saw them regularly though and they were very present when they did see them and they showered them with love and had fun with them playing, reading and doing activities.

My parents on the other hand were very hands on and always there to babysit and would often suggest we took weekends away and they would be happy to have the kids. They helped with days out, birthday parties and were very involved in their lives. Not overbearingly or anything but they were always there if we needed them for anything and took the kids on holiday a few times and they asked if they could take them. They looked after our eldest when I gave birth to our youngest etc....

Both sets love and adore them but we just accepted they had different styles and different boundaries and it worked for us.

Not everyone wants to be hugely involved or wants to drive miles and spend lots of their time attending birthday parties. It was my DH's parents worst nightmare. They never once attended one and we didn't expect them to.

I think you need to just accept them as they are and not expect too much of them and then you won't be too disappointed if they don't do the things you want them to or act the way you would like them to. It doesn't mean they love them any less.

My parents or PIL havent been to any of the kids birthday parties (We've had 52 of them all added together!). We see them about 4 times a year each. They adore the kids and Visa versa. But not really looked after them much.maybe 4 weekends over 18 years (the PIL looked after them once for a couple of hours!)

Yabu, they live 4 hours away. What exactly do you want from therm? Not much they can do 4 hours away. They’ve also raised their kids, so understandable that they want their lives back now.
it’s good that they have one set of GP’s who are very involved, but you don’t have to have both sides.

I get the birthday thing and offer to stay over, but maybe they just don’t want to.

They seem to want the nice fun bits but nothing else

Is that the definition of a Grandparent though?

I lived in the same town as my Gps & they didn't come to my parties!

My mum loves quite far away half of the year and the other half is often off on adventures so doesn’t have a lot of time to spend with my kids BUT when she is here she makes an effort to see them and do things with them that they enjoy. When she’s not here she regularly checks in on how they are doing and asks about each one (we have 5 kids) and remembers what they have going on in their lives and is genuinely interested. I do not begrudge her having a fabulous life and not being around much as she should be enjoying her life but she also shows she cares. I think that’s the difference.
my husbands dad and step mum however I don’t think even know the ages of our children, my kids have noticed their indifference as they have got older and now actively choose to not see those grandparents

I don’t remember my grandparents who lived in the same village coming to my birthday parties. I think you need to readjust your expectations.

I would love to live by the coast, I love the sea and feel instantly calmer, but I can't see it ever happening because my husband is so close to his family. Maybe they've moved to somewhere they've always dreamed of, and that's their choice, I would just stop expecting anything from them.

The hurt is absolutely valid from your end. It’s complete disinterest from them and lack of overall effort is heartbreaking. The notion of having a village is dead and people are extremely hedonistic unfortunately. Grandparents can absolutely enjoy their retirements without cutting of grandchildren. As for the birthday party they could arrange to have stayed the night.