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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When the inlaws move away...

115 replies

Peekaboooooo · 10/07/2025 02:03

The inlaws moved 4 hours away, about three years ago. Dc's are only under 6. They moved away from us/our area, to a very quiet location and not near any other family. They're retired, around 60, and seem quite active and social in their day to day lives.
They make it obvious (intentionality or unintentionally, I'm not sure) that they don't need dh and us as a family, and don't want to be needed themselves. They've very much pulled away and seem quite detatched. When we do see them every few months, they're really ott with the dc's, very excitable and full on. But in between seeing them, they go quiet. It's like, out of sight, out of mind. They seem to want the nice, fun bits of seeing us on the odd weekend but show no interest at any other time.
I find it strange but then the relationship I have with my parents is very different. Dh has been hurt by the way they behave, being very all or nothing, on their terms. Dh will send them photos or videos of the dc from time to time but this doesn't really get much reaction. They didn't send a birthday card for ds recently, then told us that they wouldn't be able to make his party as it's too far to come in a day and back (despite the fact they've done it a couple of times before.

What are people's experiences of this with family moving away? Is the hurt on our side valid at all?

OP posts:

Roomwithaview2019 · 10/07/2025 08:21

Arlingtonchase · 10/07/2025 04:47

YABU

Eight hours driving in a day, just to attend a child's party where they probably wouldn’t get to spend much time with him or other family anyway, is ridiculous.
You should be glad they are independent people not centring their lives round your family (though I agree the lack of birthday card is poor).

Whether their move will still seem like a good decision when they get older and possibly their health starts failing is a different matter.

If their move causes them issues when they are older that's really tough shit on them in that case. Cant have it both ways..

thepariscrimefiles · 10/07/2025 08:23

Honestly, there isn't anything that you can do. They seem detached from their son and his family and you have said that they did this when he was a child. They weren't great parents and they aren't great grandparents. That is just who they are.

Luckily, you and your family have got your parents who are engaged and loving. It's a shame for your DH to see the contrast between the two sets of grandparents, but there isn't anything you can do.

At least there won't be any expectation of care and support from you and your DH as they age as they have set the boundaries themselves. If they feel differently in that situation, you have every right to be as distant with them as they are with you.

columnatedruinsdomino · 10/07/2025 08:27

They seem to want the nice fun bits but nothing else

Realistically what else do you think they should do?

PopperBo · 10/07/2025 08:41

Of course they are free to enjoy their retirement. I’d want it made clear very soon what their plans for care and support are as they grow older, honestly I’d be less inclined to help.

Doidontimmm · 10/07/2025 08:48

I don’t think people appreciate though how you feel when you get a bit older. I’m only in my 50s and feel totally exhausted after a weekend watching my granddaughter. Should I just have to live a life of exhaustion rather than the one I want? Going on holidays is nothing like the intensity of being with a small child, and no I don’t want care when I’m old - can’t think of anything worse than my kids taking on that role!!

ApolloandDaphne · 10/07/2025 09:08

My DH and I are in our early 60s and fairly newly retired. We have both said we are glad there are no grandchildren on the scene because we are now enjoying the lack of restrictions having no job and no children brings. My DM is the only parent still alive and she is very independent so we don't need to do much for her either. Your PIL are just at that stage of life when they want to enjoy freedom. That they enjoy their grandchildren when they see them should be enough. They haven't turned their backs on you completely.

vyvyanne · 10/07/2025 09:24

They seem to want the nice, fun bits of seeing us on the odd weekend but show no interest at any other time

Childcare I suppose you mean. People are always annoyed at grandparents who aren't keen on providing childcare. It's like they feel entitled to it.

vyvyanne · 10/07/2025 09:25

That they enjoy their grandchildren when they see them should be enough. They haven't turned their backs on you completely

Exactly

Pootles34 · 10/07/2025 09:30

I'm surprised to see so many say you're unreasonable. Yes it's a long drive, but to fail to send a birthday card? Not to react to photos of the grandkids? It's shitty behaviour. People like this treat kids like a toy - just to 'play' with when suits them, then forget about them the rest of the time.

Stop sending them birthday cards for a start.

TheignT · 10/07/2025 09:34

Doidontimmm · 10/07/2025 08:48

That's a shame. I'm in my 70s and love being with my GC, 8 of them from a toddler to 20 ear old so all different and at different stages. Keeps me young and very active.

I was exhausted in my late 40s, it was an underactive thyroid and the med made such a difference. I'm fitter and more active now than I was then.

zingally · 10/07/2025 09:52

I think you have to manage your expectations. Yes, it's disappointing, and I think you're entirely reasonable to feel upset. But it sounds like they've got no desire to change.
Has your DH used his words to tell his parents, "we wish we saw you more", or is it just a thought in his head? If he did tell them that, how would you like them to respond?
What was your DH's own experiences of grandparents? I don't know about you, but mine were entirely "nice old people who I saw for a day once or twice a year." I didn't feel any great attachment to them, didn't miss them between visits, and wasn't even especially sad when they died (2 died while I was a child, and the last two I was about 20 and 22).
Perhaps your DHs parents envisioned a similar role? Just that of benevolent friendly old people. Who enjoy an occasional visit, but are very much of the view that their "little kid" era is well and truly done, and want to give their last years to the life they've built where they are now.

But it goes both ways. If they've made the decision to live far away, and have a very hands-off attitude to family, then they can't reasonably expect a lot of practical help in later years. Yes, you can organise a Tesco delivery for them, but you can't come and help them take a bath or drive them to their doctors appointments.

My own DHs dad and step-mum are very similar. Moving from the south of England to the Scottish Highlands. 6 kids between them, and the furthest north kid is only Nottinghamshire!
We've just had to all shrug and say, "on your head be it."

Flixon · 10/07/2025 11:23

I am 60. I’m exhausted. I have 3 adult children, 2 at University and all living at home. I have a busy job that I have to keep doing because I can’t downsize yet because the kids still need a home. I have an elderly and infirm mother who needs care. Honestly, I just want a life of my own. I want to see friends, do some hobbies, enjoy my garden. IF my kids have children I will love them and try to offer help if needed, but honestly- when is it my turn to do what I want? The last 25 years have been dedicated to doing everything to help my kids. I expect the next 5 to revolve around my mothers needs …
kindly - your child is the centre of YOUR world - others may have different priorities …

titchy · 10/07/2025 11:28

Do you think your dh is still stuck in ‘child’ mode with them? It’s difficult to transition to an adult-adult relationship with parents, but sounds like they have managed it, by being pleased to see you all when they do, but getting on with their own lives when they don’t. But your dh still needs reassurance from them which is a childlike emotion.

madamegazelle1 · 10/07/2025 11:35

Whilst it’s sad they have made their decision and it sounds like they have always been like this since you DHs childhood so they won’t change. You have one involved loving family so I would try and be more detached from your image of how you would like the relationship to be. Sadly they understandably might not have the love and support as they get older because they haven’t shown it to your family

CatKings · 10/07/2025 11:45

I think you just need to let them get on with it. Do they expect you to come visit them?
I think they’ll find GC get less excited to see them as they get older too and you’ll have less time as well.

We lived the same time away from in-laws (DH moved at 18) that amount of driving in a day is insane. I’m sure they’ve probably realised it’s not as doable as they imagined when they moved.
we visited a lot but increasingly got pissed off with the drive (and lack of interest/hospitality). I’m sure in a few years they won’t want to do it at all/much. You can’t change it now.

Original poster

Peekaboooooo · 10/07/2025 11:47

There is just a big contrast between my parents and dh's parents and maybe that's what makes it more noticeable. My parents love being involved grandparents and we're just generally close. I think they appreciate it.

But I get that everyone will feel differently and have different priorities and values based on lots of factors.

OP posts:

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 10/07/2025 11:54

@Peekaboooooo just think of the future! No caring for them!!

Digdongdoo · 10/07/2025 11:57

They just aren't interested. There's nothing you can do about it. My parents are similar, the kids pick on up on it before long which my mum takes very personally but I'm not sure what she expected. It's a shame, but don't focus on what you can't change.

BoredZelda · 10/07/2025 11:59

Peekaboooooo · 10/07/2025 11:47

But I get that everyone will feel differently and have different priorities and values based on lots of factors.

Of course they are different people and can do things different ways. There is no rule that says they must be close by and involved daily. Just match their energy. Let them know they have an open invite to visit and schedule your own visits every few months.

Grandparenting is all about having the fun stuff. Nothing wrong with not wanting to be there for the rest. Also, your mum is like this because you are her daughter.

NotrialNodeal · 10/07/2025 12:02

Just remember this in years to come should they ever become less independent and start to require help for themselves.

Tourmalines · 10/07/2025 12:10

Well, they get excited when they see the kids, what do you mean they go OTT ? Isn’t it good that they get excited? In the next few months that you don’t see them, does your husband ever ring ? Has he ever told them he wants to see them more ? How many times do you all go visit them ? The birthday card was wrong though .

StrawberryCranberry · 10/07/2025 12:11

YANBU to feel hurt - I would be really sad if my parents were like this. Obviously it's their choice to spend their retirement however they like, but I would just be really upset that "however they like" didn't include much of me or their grandchildren.

You need to match their energy OP. If they've made it clear they're not that interested in your family, I wouldn't be that bothered about them either. I'm not saying you need to go no contact or anything, but I wouldn't be making much effort with them.

TheNightingalesStarling · 10/07/2025 12:13

The physical distance is a distraction. You can be involved grandparents living the other side of the world, or disinterested ones living next door.

Focus your energy on enjoying your children. Then, in 20, 30 years time, but the grandparents you wanted for your children (if they decide to have children!)

Praying4Peace · 10/07/2025 12:26

Peekaboooooo · 10/07/2025 07:28

To be honest, we did suggest they stay over for the party as it is too far in a day but it was their idea to do it in a day for some reason. But now, they're not going to come at all. They are the sort of couple that won't communicate properly so if there is an issue, we'll never know.

I think what got us more is that this is the second or third time something like this has happened around the dcs birthdays.

When they did live nearer too us, they were very excited for dc1's arrival and appeared to enjoy seeing us more then. But that dwindled.

I think the hardest thing is the inconsistency. Dh said he's felt this from them since childhood. They show love and interest, then nothing.

I can see why you are upset OP.
I'm a GP and have moved house after semi retirement. The location enables me to see my GC at least weekly and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I would never miss a birthday celebration.
I have an interesting and busy life that doesn't include my GC but I could never not be an integral part of their lives. I totally appreciate that circumstances change and their lives will become more independent.
Every family is different with different circumstances but I totally get where you and your husband are coming from OP

Getmoveon14 · 10/07/2025 12:27

I think it's still very possible for kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents even when there is a distance. I always felt very close to my grandparents, particularly my grandmother even though they were a 4 hour drive away. We spoke weekly on the phone and when I was in my 20s I would still make the journey to visit her until she died.

Some people who have one set of grandparents nearby and one further afield say that the relationship is more special when they don't seem them everyday. I see that with my mum who lives a distance away and spends ages getting ready for her grandchildren's visit, cooking food and planning outings and activities. I think it's fair enough for grandparents just to get the 'good bits', but I really think your in-laws should have posted a birthday card.

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