When the inlaws move away...

[Peekaboooooo]

The inlaws moved 4 hours away, about three years ago. Dc's are only under 6. They moved away from us/our area, to a very quiet location and not near any other family. They're retired, around 60, and seem quite active and social in their day to day lives.
They make it obvious (intentionality or unintentionally, I'm not sure) that they don't need dh and us as a family, and don't want to be needed themselves. They've very much pulled away and seem quite detatched. When we do see them every few months, they're really ott with the dc's, very excitable and full on. But in between seeing them, they go quiet. It's like, out of sight, out of mind. They seem to want the nice, fun bits of seeing us on the odd weekend but show no interest at any other time.
I find it strange but then the relationship I have with my parents is very different. Dh has been hurt by the way they behave, being very all or nothing, on their terms. Dh will send them photos or videos of the dc from time to time but this doesn't really get much reaction. They didn't send a birthday card for ds recently, then told us that they wouldn't be able to make his party as it's too far to come in a day and back (despite the fact they've done it a couple of times before.

What are people's experiences of this with family moving away? Is the hurt on our side valid at all?

I apologise for this comment I was in a bit of a grump and had a few drinks. I must remember not to post when I've had a drink.

My ex mil moved away when her 3 gcs were 2 and one a baby.
We weren't too bothered she had visited us every single day since her husband died the year before then she got with a new chap and off she went. Her DD with a 2 year old and new baby was furious. They fell out over it. Didn't speak for years and even now it's not the same.
I found it weird when she had said for years she couldn't wait to be a grandma then when she did she hardly saw them.
My own mum always put her pets cats before grandkids and moved away and the kids were upset.
I spent too many years visiting her when I should have took the kids out for the day to the beach instead of running about after her. Big regret I have now.

guess your expectations are reasonable in view of prior close relationship with your husband
other than the four driver - although there are cheap hotels around arent there

How was your relationship before they moved? Did you make a lot of demands on them and they saw that they were going to be required to help a lot? Usually the parents of a father are the 'second' set of grandparents, compared with the parents
of a mother. We have two sons and have accepted that their children see more of their maternal grandparents, although we are involved with them on a regular basis.
It's a shame they didn't send a birthday card but older people put less stress on birthdays, they used not to be so celebrated. Do you send them birthday cards?

When our boys were 4 & 1 my MIL moved abroad - Europe, a few hours flight. I was 25, my husband (her only child) 27. Two years later we got married, she said she couldn’t come (we’d not seen her since she left at that point).
She’d send bday cards (never presents) for the eldest grandchild but not the youngest.
Fast forward, it’s 18 years later and we’ve never seen her since she the day she moved 18 years ago.
We cut contact after we had our third boy 13 years ago and she didn’t even call (despite us trying to call her, she just text us). It was too hurtful for my husband.
She doesn’t even know she has a forth grandson.
It’s mind boggling she could just leave my husband - he didn’t even have a dad or siblings. Some parents seem to be missing normal paternal instincts.

But these are two very different sets of people. I think your expectations are the problem here.

This was my grandparents. Nice people but they had a very active social life, always going on holidays and they spent much more time with their friends than their family. As I say, nice people but I didn't feel close to them at all and had no 'bond'.
Fast forward to when they are 90 and now housebound with no friends left living, sadly. They expect us all (my parents, my aunty, my brother and I, cousins..) to be caring for them and running around doing lots of errands, chores etc. I feel bad as they are elderly and need help and I can see they're quite lonely too, however my husband and children and my friends, social life etc come first. I'm a good person and sometimes feel guilty about not helping them as much as they'd like but this is because they're old and frail, not because I actually want to help them due to love or a bond.
I think my mum and aunt are crazy helping as much as they do, considering they got no help at all from my GPs when they were raising us but that's up to them. Again, it's duty not love.

Unfortunately, my GPs are reaping what they sewed for decades.

As long as they remember this when they're elderly/frail/ill and need help.

Bit of an update...
Do you think this is odd?
So inlaws didn't come down for dc 4th birthday party. I understand why, however...
Dc got a birthday card in the post from them 3 days after her birthday. Then when we saw them yesterday (we're staying where they live for a few days), there wasn't any present for dc. Even dc said something like, have you got a present for me and MIL said something about, you've got so many toys! 🤷🏼‍♀️ And nothing more was said about it from them at all.

Dh and I are not materialistic at all. We don't care where things come from, secondhand, homemade, whatever it is. But this just felt thoughtless and I don't get why they'd do it. They've only got two grandchildren and they're financially comfortable. Not that it's to do with cost, it's the fact there was nothing and mil just dismissed it. Dc didn't mention it again and seems to have forgotten but it's made us feel rather miffed!

Sadly it’s just continuation of the same lack of care for your family. It doesn’t surprise me based on your posts. Unless they are otherwise big gift givers, to friends etc?

I really don't want this to sound like an entitled thing, like grandparents must give grandchildren a birthday present. And it's not to do with spending lots of money, It's just to do with the recognition of dc's birthday from her grandparents.

Bump

It does seem to be that way. They have bought presents for past birthdays and Christmas. However it's just inconvenient. There's a take you/leave you thing with the way they are.

That is off. None of my grandparents were great gift givers, and we saw them infrequently (and we’re not particularly close), but they’d always clock it was my birthday near the time and some money would end up in my palm.

@Peekaboooooo for what it’s worth I think it’s sad and you’re not entitled.

If they won’t communicate then there’s nothing much you can do. You can speculate as to their reasons, but you can tie yourself in knots to no benefit…

I think DH (and you, but mainly him) need to figure out what sort of relationship you want with them going forward - eg they’re welcome at family events/ send photos and updates to the family group chat. Does DH spend time with them directly / have his own conversations? Does he have siblings?

Am prepared to run contra to other commenters but while I do agree it’s odd there was no gift, I don’t think it’s appropriate for a child to ask where presents or, or for you to be miffed about it (which your child will pick up on).