To expect my BIL not to arrange for my sister to spend her 50th with his family?

[Flora73]

And we’re just an afterthought with a token lunch 2 days later?

She doesn’t know about the 2 days yet but what about my Mum? It’s like we are pushed aside.

I think this is the heart of it. Her in-laws are her family too. If I spend time woth DH, his sister and her partner or we spend time with my brother and his wife those people are all family to both of us.

I'm sorry your mum has been so overbearing to you to not let you have the birthday you wanted but this is her being unreasonable. It isn't your sister or your BIL being unreasonable for not kowtowing to your mother's unreasonable expectations.

To be honest I like my SIL more than my sibling. She’s fantastic.

A while back I read a description on reddit about the phrase "don't rock the boat" how there is usually one person who is actually causing all the drama and everyone else rushes around trying to steady the boat. When someone decides not to be a boat steadier the people left pandering to the boat rocker get cross and accuse the person who puts up boundaries of rocking the boat.

You are cross that your sister gets to have the birthday she wants when you feel that you weren't able to. The thing is you could have decided to do what you wanted but you didn't because you were trying to steady the boat. You can stop doing that whenever you like.

Found it! Its a really good analogy:

www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/93Td9xOBtx

Sounds like your mum has pressured you over ‘family’ over the years, and you are now doing the same. Your DSis has broken free of this control. You should do the same, it would be liberating.

That is a brilliant analogy! So very true for much of my family. I keep my boat out of their choppy waters as much as I can!
OP, I agree this is you feeling hurt that your sister isn't doing what's expected when you did. I don't think it's unreasonable or unusual to go away for a weekend to celebrate a birthday and see other family members around but not on the actual day.

Okay well that provides context.

I don’t think this is about your sister or her in-laws.

you’re frustrated at having to tow the line.
that’s understandable.
but use this to think on how you can choose differently next time there’s a conflict between what you want and what you think you should do.

you can decide to please yourself and the world won’t fall in.

“I’m trapped, how dare my sister not be!”

So, because you did what you thought you should do, you think your sister should have to do the same. She doesn’t. You choosing to do something, even when when you don’t want to, does not oblige anyone else to follow your lead.

Your sister can do what she likes. So can you.You didn’t and don’t have to subject yourself to your mother’s complaints, either.

Things could still be all right.

It could be completely innocent and he has planned something your sister, his wife may have wanted. He planned something 3+ weeks in advanced so doubtful he was thinking of doing something to upset you or your mum especially if there isn’t any tension between him and her.

He probably was focused on his wife, maybe discussed it with and went with what she said and maybe thought you would likely plan something yourself for your sister or your mum would and you both would discuss it with her.

I don’t know what your dynamic is when it comes to communication with him. I know my own family don’t call my DH and I don’t call my in-laws either without our spouse around and when that does happen it is usually them calling to talk to the grandchildren. We do text but when it comes to birthdays or the planning of birthdays, no.

Afaik, my in-laws are the same with the spouses of their children. I’ve yet to hear them in almost 15 years call their children’ spouses on the phone and vice versa.

When it comes to birthdays, I only talk to my own family about it and DH, it wouldn’t occur to me to talk to my in-laws about it and when DH has had his birthdays, I ask him what he wants to do, but our families do live far away so that does make some difference.

But they ARE her family! When you marry you bring two families together, legally and usually emotionally (but obviously not in this case, which is very sad for your sister to be frank).

But they are her family and probably good friends too. I get on very well with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. I consider them family and great company too. We go away together and I could see myself in exactly this scenario.

Then, with kindness, it sounds like you have a mother issue rather than a sister issue

So you know your mother is unreasonable because of what you felt you had to do for YOUR birthday, but you're behaving in the same way? That makes no sense.

I suspect your sister would much rather spend time with them.

Oh, good grief, what is this obsession with birthdays with a zero on the end? As a 60 year old adult, the last birthday I spent with extended family was my 18th. And even tho I may be a bit of an exception, most people I know really don't see the need to have to socialise with their entire family on their birthday. Far more common to go on a holiday/weekend/theatre or sports trip if celebrating is desired, or to see friends.

Being 2 days late is absolutely not a big deal either.... I think most adults could cope!

I thought the term "flesh and blood" had died out 100 years ago! This is possibly the most bizarre response I've ever seen on this site, and that's up against stiff competition 🤣

Maybe the lunch two days later is his way of acknowledging you and your mum while also managing the day in a way that works best for her. You mentioned his family aren't her flesh and blood, but they are her family by marriage, and that still matters.

You think it would be nice for her to spend her birthday with you and your Mum, but that doesn't mean she does.

As a couple, we spend more time with my dh's sister and BiL, because we share a couple of interests that we do together, and we all 4 just get on really well together. If, for any reason I had to choose whether to spend 2 days away with either my own sister or my dh's sister, then I'd probably choose dh's sister simply because, as a group of 4 we are closer and like doing the same things.
I do like my sister, and, like your sister, I would also choose to spend time with her.

YABVU here and not really coming across well in your posts at all.
When I was 50, I did several things to celebrate, with different people, or groups, on different days. I can't imagine any of them had a strop because any of the get togethers weren't 'on the day'.

But her BIL and SIL are her family and if he thinks she would like a weekend away with them I'd say it's because he knows she would prefer their company.

Your sister isnt obligated to spend time with you or her mum on any specific day including her bday, if anything she has 0 obligations on that particular day to anyone but herself. Her husband knows her much better than you and has her best interests at heart whereas you seem pissed off on behalf of your mum for some reason? Can you blame him for organising something without you both, frankly you seem like quite hard work and fell out with your sister years ago but still expect her to spend her bday with you?

@Flora73 The question comes down to should your sister's special birthday plans be designed to make your sister happy or your mother happy?

A fun couple's weekend with another couple they clearly like to spend time with sounds lovely. She will still be sharing a celebration with you and your mother two days later.

I hope you and your mother won't create an atmosphere and spoil her 50th celebrations with you.

I thought the term "flesh and blood" had died out 100 years ago!

I wish! Our Dil is obsessed with it to the point of being obnoxious to me and her stepmum as second wives.

They are also her family though, you might not like it but it’s her brother in law and sister in law, making them her family.

I adore my SIL and love spending time with my DH, SIL and her partner. She is like my other sister and I think of her as such. OP, they are her family. You are being very unreasonable.

I agree