To expect my BIL not to arrange for my sister to spend her 50th with his family?

[Flora73]

And we’re just an afterthought with a token lunch 2 days later?

She doesn’t know about the 2 days yet but what about my Mum? It’s like we are pushed aside.

I can understand that you feel hurt and pushed out it’s so weird that he is organising a surprise do and excluding you and your mum.

It’s literally her family. When you get married you become part of your spouse’s family too. Yes it would be nice to see her own mum and sister on her birthday but that doesn’t have to rule her life every single year. What if she’d gone on holiday? It sounds like you are being a big jelly jello pants.

Is she especially close with his family or is there some other context whereby it makes sense for them to spend the day with his family? For example, do his family live near an event or attraction that he is going to be taking her to? Is there a childcare element whereby his family help them out a lot with children and will be providing some childcare on her birthday?

If you think he's just organised the day around what he wants, excluding your family from her birthday without her knowledge (assuming it's a surprise) when that's not what she would want, I can see why that stings.

Totally depends on the context.

I really don't like when people sneer at others for placing importance on birthdays just because they themselves don't. Someone was even rude enough to call you "nuts" and insinuate that you don't have a fulfilling life. Very bravely from behind a phone screen 🙄 Not everyone cares about birthdays, but some people do. And for those people, they do have genuine significance.

I get what you’re saying and from experience there can be a controlling or anxiety element on his part here which is not necessarily meant to be hurtful. I’ve been upfront with my DSis that this is my impression with her DH. Her DH’s proactive event planning means almost always that her family gets gently sidelined in favour of DH’s side. He will protest if challenged by her about how much he likes and respects us and enjoys our company but his behaviour says something different - control.

If your sister really wanted to, she would have invited you and her mother to her birthday . Don’t blame him .

What has he arranged and with who?

When I’m 50 I’ll be celebrating all year! Doesn’t matter if some celebrations aren’t on the day, even better to have multiple in my opinion.

I’d be pretty annoyed if my dh arranged a big birthday weekend that included his side of the family but didn’t include my mum!

I always see my mum on my birthday and vice versa.

This is so weird. Why have you not discussed her 50th with her? Asked her what the palns are, or suggested plans? And if the plans are to spend it with her in laws, why are you blaming your BIL? Unless he's told you he's got some massive surprise planned with HIS family and you're not ivnited, I really don't understand.

I can only assume you don't like your BIL?

Then might I suggest it's not accidental that your BIL hasn't invited you if the family dynamics on your side are challenging?

I don't get why that be either petty or a problem. Sounds perfectly sensible. And if the intention is to take away from what BIL has organised I don't think it will. It will just be a nice extra.

OP focusing on seeing her on the specific day is silly. It's just a day. Have a nice fay out with her another time if she wants to. It's no big deal.

I would think it’s perfectly normal for a husband to arrange something for his wife’s 50th birthday.

I’d much rather spend my birthday with my husband and friends than my “flesh and blood” (what a weird way to put it).

Not your decision...
I'm thinking your sister would quite like to spend it with her husband?

What is actually happening? Is he organising a big birthday suprise bash and the people he has invited are his entire extended family and nobody from her side?

Or is it a weekend way with another couple (who happens to be his sister) that they regularly enjoy spending time with?

I think that's coming from a place where you and your family are close.

I know a few women who would rather spend their birthday with their in-laws over their own family. Surely her husband knows best?

Are they having a big party and you're not invited, or just a family meal out? Up to them really husband and wife plan these things together. Unfortunately once someone is married they have their own family that takes precedent over everyone else, however close you think you are. Enjoy the lunch.

Rather difficult to comment given the lack of detail.

All I can tell the BIL has organised something for his wife for her birthday and has included his sibling and partner.

No idea whether it is a lunch/dinner/party/trip/event.
Or whether his wife gets on well with sibling and partner or whether they have common interests.
No suggestion that the Op wants to join the lunch/dinner/trip/event.
No idea how the relationships are overall or even if the sister is likely to want to spend her birthday with her sibling and mother.
No idea whether the sister generally spends her birthdays with her sister and mother.

My sibling will turn 50 next year. I wont be in the least bit offended if I don't see them on the day. An excuse to celebrate is always welcome.

But it’s your sister’s birthday. It’s about what she wants, not what you want!

I spent my 50th on a weekend away with my husband and son -‘it would never have occurred to me to do anything different. Expect I would have seen extended family and friends separately at another time.

This is one expression that makes me stabby. 'Aren't flesh and blood so not family.'
One of your parents aren't flesh and blood to the other but their off spring is.
Your sister is still your sister but yes, her h is her chosen family and she quite rightly wants to spend time with him on HER birthday.
Lunch out with you and mum later sounds lovely, two birthdays in fact, a lot of MNers would love that.🙂

It's petty and a problem because the intent behind it is not to celebrate the sister but to be a dick to the brother-in-law. Nice.

Well it just depends on all the dynamics. For example I spend my birthday more with my DHs family because one of my SILs is actually my best friend. I get on really well with my sister but she lives a bit further away etc.

Honestly unless there's some context I don't understand, he's made a couple nice plans on her birthday that I assume he thinks she'll enjoy and then plans to see the wider family.

To be fair you all might be hard work so he's planned something she'd enjoy on her actual birthday and a family event a few days later. I'm not trying to be harsh but I can only go by your post talking about what you want to do with "your flesh and blood" and not really mentioning what you think your sister would like.

On the other hand he could be a massive dick who knows she'd prefer to see you and has gone ahead with what he wants. Only you can have more of an idea of what's correct.

That might be the intention but of it is I think it would fail. Doing something separate on another day is totally normal and arranging it isn't the insult to the BIL that poster wanted it to be.

Her husband is her next of kin and closest family member. You sound like you should remember that.

He set up something nice for her big birthday.

You are coming off enmeshed and entitled to a married woman's time because bio relation.

What’s your relationship with your sister like? My in-laws aren’t my “flesh and blood “ but they are my family and I would much rather spend a special occasion like my birthday with them than with my mum and sister as I’m just not close to them and wouldn’t enjoy it as much for a multitude of reasons. Maybe your sister is similar?

Really sorry but people do normally spend it with their spouses unless they’ve organised it themselves or someone else says hold on for your 50th less so this ages in advance. Any chance you deep down feel guilty you didn’t get in ahead of him (I missed sisters 50th this year as I didn’t ask for time off enough in advance or think to figure something out)

Also depends how much time she normally spends with in laws, most families you live near one set so will have the day to day stuff more easily