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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my BIL not to arrange for my sister to spend her 50th with his family?

149 replies

Flora73 · 08/07/2025 20:47

And we’re just an afterthought with a token lunch 2 days later?

She doesn’t know about the 2 days yet but what about my Mum? It’s like we are pushed aside.

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 08/07/2025 21:25

Have you spoken to your sister?
Why can't your family be added to the lunch?

Your sister is an adult, I assume she had some say in how she wants to spend her birthday.

Mauro711 · 08/07/2025 21:25

I don't think birthdays necessarily have to be spent with family. I always spend mine with friends these days and I see family on some other day or sometimes not at all as we don't live very close. I don't think you can put the blame on bil here. Unless your sister has said that she wants to spend her birthday with her sister and mum then the only thing he's guilty of is planning what he thinks will be an enjoyable dinner for her.

CallMeFlo · 08/07/2025 21:26

Flora73 · 08/07/2025 20:54

I’d quite like to see my own sister on her big birthday and for her not to spend it with people who are not flesh and blood.

Hes her husband not some random she met at Tesco.

Ofcourse he gets priority if he's arranging something. Maybe he's picked up on your attitude towards him and isn't keen to spend the day with you

londongirl12 · 08/07/2025 21:26

I feel like we need more context. What has BIL planned? Who’s invited? Does DS get along with his family? What’s your relationship like?

milesmachine · 08/07/2025 21:27

You are very frustrating OP. Have you addressed this with your BIL? Did you mention you’d love to see her as well on her big day? Did you offer to help in any way or make suggestions to him?
Getting more than a sentence response is like pulling teeth!

Lucytheloose · 08/07/2025 21:28

Flora73 · 08/07/2025 20:54

I’d quite like to see my own sister on her big birthday and for her not to spend it with people who are not flesh and blood.

Why do you think it's up to you how she spends her birthday? And FYI, spouses trump siblings.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 08/07/2025 21:34

That’s shit. Assuming your family all get on and there’s no reason she’d want to avoid you, it should by planned to include her own family as a priority over his. My BIL arranged my sister’s 40th as a surprise including all her family and not his. We were all in on it and he did a really good job.

If you can completely objectively say that your family is important to your sister, then it’s reasonable to assume that she’d want to see you for her birthday. It’s very hard to say for certain without knowing lots more information, but either your sister actually finds her in-laws easier company or your BIL’s a dick.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 08/07/2025 21:36

Lucytheloose · 08/07/2025 21:28

Why do you think it's up to you how she spends her birthday? And FYI, spouses trump siblings.

Show quote history

But siblings trump spouses siblings unless there’s issues in the family.

5foot5 · 08/07/2025 21:42

@Flora73 I am really not clear from your post which bits of the arrangement your sister is aware of and which she is not aware of.

Lafufufu · 08/07/2025 21:43
sassy ha ha GIF by Robert E Blackmon

I’m a petty bitch so I’d organise something AMAZING the weekend before

I’d bill it as a “girls day” so your BIL doesn’t get a free jolly on my money sadly can’t join

then do something like an fancy spa (sopwell house or coronthian) to exclude BIL

but after have all your family meet up as a “surprise” and do a really nice dinner and /or maybe a show

Studyunder · 08/07/2025 21:45

Her husband is exactly the person who should be arranging big birthday plans.
Your attitude towards this suggests there’s a good reason you’re not included.

Why do you feel someone else’s birthday should about what you get to do? 😂

RawBloomers · 08/07/2025 21:47

Just because you're family doesn't mean you are who your DSis really wants to spend her big moments with.

Sometime family are really stressful and don't gel as well with your current life. I get on with my BiL and Sil better than I do with my brother. My DH's family is more my cup of tea than my own. I've had great holidays with my PiL whereas we had to cut short time with my dad last we holidayed with him. I would not be impressed if my DH had arranged for me to spend my birthday with my brother and parents.

PollyBell · 08/07/2025 21:48

Well isn't it up to her to make her own decisions?

Anywherebuthere · 08/07/2025 21:53

I think it's lovely her husband has arranged something for his wife's birthday.

He must know his wife well enough to know what she would like to do and who with.

BoarBrush · 08/07/2025 21:57

It was my sils 50th last year, she asked my brother to ask if they could come spend it with me and my dh almost 3 hours away, my dm came along too to babysit the kids so we could go out for dinner and drinks. I don't think her sister or mum even got so much as a lunch visit, because frankly they are self centred twats.

JockTamsonsBairns · 08/07/2025 21:57

I'd find it slightly odd if DH spent his birthday with his sibling rather than me.

Surely it's BIL's role to steer the celebrations for his wife's birthday?

You'll catch up with her and your mum for lunch two days later, which is perfectly fine and normal.

MrsRonaldWeasley · 08/07/2025 22:01

I'd kill my husband if he arranged for me to spend my birthday with my in-laws 😂😂😂

Daisy12Maisie · 08/07/2025 22:04

I don’t think the actual day matters as long as she is not on her own (unless she wants to be). It’s my mums birthday today but she is spending it with 2 of my siblings so I am taking her to the theatre tomorrow. She is excited about the theatre and would rather see me a different day because then she gets 2 celebrations.

InterIgnis · 08/07/2025 22:54

It’s entirely possible, given he’s presumably somewhat familiar with his wife and her preferences, that he’s organized it with the people she would want to spend her birthday with.

minipie · 08/07/2025 22:59

Well this all depends on how your sister feels about her husband’s family.

Maybe she gets on brilliantly with them and will love a weekend with them for her birthday?

If not then yes this is rather self centred planning by your BIL.

But the fact remains - it’s 3 weeks before her 50th, if you wanted to make plans with her you should have done that ages ago.

TheSandgroper · 09/07/2025 09:04

Well, I’m bolshy so would be rocking up at 9 am with my Mum, gift, flowers, croissants and fresh OJ to get in first. I wouldn’t stay long but I would certainly be getting in there.

I do agree that it’s sad BIL will be saying to his wife “Happy Birthday, darling. We will be celebrating with my family. No, I couldn’t be arsed asking your mum”. I do hope your sister likes her in-laws.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 09/07/2025 09:20

Fairyvocals · 08/07/2025 21:06

People are being weirdly arsey with you, OP.
I think it’s odd that he’s arranged something with his own family and not included you or your mum.

Edited

I noticed this. What an odd pile on. Something all together wound make sense. It’s actually quite strange to do this and everyone falling over themselves to say otherwise is full of it

whatcanthematterbe81 · 09/07/2025 09:21

JockTamsonsBairns · 08/07/2025 21:57

I'd find it slightly odd if DH spent his birthday with his sibling rather than me.

Surely it's BIL's role to steer the celebrations for his wife's birthday?

You'll catch up with her and your mum for lunch two days later, which is perfectly fine and normal.

Lol she doesn’t want her to not spend it with her husband. Are people reading the right thread?

aRightNowProblem · 09/07/2025 09:23

I don’t think he likes you, and I can guess from all your responses that I know exactly why…

its2025 · 09/07/2025 09:24

There's so much not explained about this situation I'm afraid it's impossible to see your point of view @Flora73
What "event" is it that BIL has organised?? is it just a weekend away with just his siter and husband - or is it a full on party with ALL of the in laws but none of your sisters family? You haven't even tried to explain what it is your brother in law has organised??

Do your sister and her in-law particularly get on well?? When there are other occasions (Xmas, Easter etc) do both families normally celebrate together or do you normally do your own things?)

If spending time with your sister is so important to you - why didn't YOU try and organise something?... and if you had would you have included your BIL and his family?

Most women I know would be delighted if their partner had organised a surprise for their birthday - regardless of what that surprise was (I know I would) so Please don't spoil this for our sister by making it all about you!