To expect my BIL not to arrange for my sister to spend her 50th with his family?

[Flora73]

And we’re just an afterthought with a token lunch 2 days later?

She doesn’t know about the 2 days yet but what about my Mum? It’s like we are pushed aside.

Will your sister be upset that you and your mum aren't invited to these big plans? Is it a party? Do you not get on with your BIL and his family?

What!?

You sound unhinged. Honestly.

You are seeing her though! I don't get this post!

Listen to yourself. Flesh and blood? You're coming across as a craaaaazy lady. Your sister is a grown arse adult and can arrange her birthday celebrations any way she so desires.

All together would make sense if he knows that’s something his wife would actually like, want, and welcome on her birthday. If it’s something he knows she’d dislike then it would hardly be the nice birthday surprise he’s wanting her to have, would it?

Her sister and BIL may be her best friends, and spending time with them on her birthday is exactly what she’d want to do.

Is that what she wants.....its her birthday

What would she like?

Surely it depends on if your sister likes her in laws?

My SIL turned 40 recently. We did a family BBQ at ours the closest weekend to it because we have the biggest garden to host and her family live abroad. No drama or slighting anyone.

DH knows I don’t want to spend my 40th with his family and he didn’t want to spend his 40th with my family- he wanted to see his family so that’s what we did and I gritted my teeth a lot and drank buckets of wine

What does this mean?

Yanbu OP.

Will she be happy to go along with it?
If she is happy then thats her choice.

If not, then he clearly is deliberately excluding you.

Does your sister like her hubby’s sibling and partner? What are they doing for the weekend?

Your posts come across that you might be a bit of hard work so I suspect this may be something your sister will enjoy even though you aren’t happy.

Whilst I get why you are pissed off, it was thoughtless of him not to include your side of her family, ultimate the day isn't about you it's about her so as long as she has a nice day and isn't unhappy then it's not really a problem.

This.

Plus, what does your sister want? How is your relationship with your BIL? How is your relationship with your sister and her with your mum?

You don’t read like you like him and sound a bit possessive of your sister or think you must be involved regardless with the “flesh and blood” line. Flesh and blood or not, he is her husband and they are family to her.

If she has an issue with you and mum not being there for her 50th, she’ll very likely say something.

This.

Plus, what does your sister want? How is your relationship with your BIL? How is your relationship with your sister and her with your mum?

You don’t read like you like him and sound a bit possessive of your sister or think you must be involved regardless with the “flesh and blood” line. Flesh and blood or not, he is her husband and they are family to her.

If she has an issue with you and mum not being there for her 50th, she’ll very likely say something.

You're stropping because your BIL has arranged a nice celebration for his own wife and you're seeing her for a celebratory lunch 2 week later? What the hell? It's great he's taken the initiative to arrange something lovely for her.

I assume she gets on well with her SIL and husband, otherwise why would they be included?

Most people don't celebrate their birthdays with their adult siblings. They celebrate with partners and friends, and maybe arrange a family get together separately. Which is just what is happening.

Your desire to see "your flesh and blood" doesn't trump his right to plan something for his wife's birthday. It's not about you.

Well it’s not your birthday so you’ve got no right to dictate. I’ve got a big birthday this year and I’m not spending it with my DM or siblings. I have my own plans and I’d be pretty pissed off if they objected.

I know OP will probably answer with one or two words giving no proper detail, but joining the chorus of “what had he arranged?” posts.

The Op said herself that she doesn't want her sister spending her birthday with people who are "not her flesh and blood".

So two couples!

How on earth do I sound unhinged?!

At no point have I said she shouldn’t spend her birthday with her husband, but it would have been nice to spend it with her sister and Mum. They are going away for the weekend as a foursome.

I think people have been a bit harsh but it’s definitely given me food for thought.

You know full well what I meant! Of course I wasn’t referring to her husband, but her sister and brother in law are not related and I know my Mum is hurt by this arrangement.

So BiL has arranged a weekend away for the four of them, and presumably this is something that your sister will enjoy - regardless of whether she's blood related to any of them?

Then she'll meet up with you and your mum for lunch when she gets back. I can't understand what the issue is.

I'd be pretty unimpressed if my mum and sister were sulking about this.

Same. Can’t help but wonder if it’s the ‘couples’ aspect causing jealousy too.

Christ, I didn’t want to spend my 50th with my parents and siblings! I saw them a fortnight later for a get together.

Off the top of my head I can’t think of anyone who spent their 50th with their parents.

I’d find it bizarre if my husband arranged for something with me and his side of the family for my surprise. I’d actually be really pissed off he hadn’t thought to include my mum! It should be his family that are an afterthought after arranging something with you guys first.