To expect my BIL not to arrange for my sister to spend her 50th with his family?

[Flora73]

And we’re just an afterthought with a token lunch 2 days later?

She doesn’t know about the 2 days yet but what about my Mum? It’s like we are pushed aside.

I mean this in the gentlest way, your mother and you don’t get a say in what your BIL plans for his wife/your sister or what she chooses and how she spends her birthday.

It’s one thing if he threw a party with just his family and didn’t invite you all but it is a weekend away with another couple that is his sibling and their spouse.

I can only guess your sister is comfortable enough with them for him to plan this weekend away or she mentioned wanting something weeks/months ago to him and he has planned this.

Your sister’s birthday is in three weeks and he has planned this in advance so it doesn’t sound like he did it intentionally to mess up your plans.

What is wrong with the lunch two days after? You’re still spending time and celebrating her birthday with her even if it isn’t the exact day.

Are you and your mum upset because he planned something before you both could?

So a weekend trip with another couple that the birthday person likely wants should be pre-approved by OP and her mother first?

Is he controlling? Or is this what she wants? On the face if it yanbu. But maybe this was her request...

You need a conversation with her...

But that's you. It's her birthday. If she doesn't want to spend it with the husband, I'm guessing she would have told him.

This is not about you or your mother.

She's going to be 50 years old. Your mother needs to get a grip.

Have you considered, OP, that your BiL may have actually asked your sister what she would like to do for her birthday and this is exactly what she would prefer rather than a big gathering of family?

I got this from my family, mum in particular, that I should be spending my big birthdays with them. Just because they were flesh and blood.

was made to come home from university for my 21st to mum and sister and they'd planned nothing.

Only one birthday they didn't ruin for me tbh.

Your sister is an adult perhaps she doesnt want to spend it with you or isn't bothered. The possessive tone suggests you think your sisters birthday is more about her honouring family ties than having a good time.

Aw I understand op. You sound really hurt. I think I would try and compartmentalise it and see that he is her husband, she has chose him, however thoughtless and selfish he is.

So she’ll have different birthday with him, but when she’s with you, you can really love and spoil her and appreciate her in a stark contrast to his self serving weekend. It’s only a few days difference.

This is wild. You make it sound like the sister is being forced into this weekend celebration! Perhaps she likes spending time with her husband's family? God knows her own sounds intense.

They haven’t organised a huge party and left you out. They’re just going away with a couple of people. Get a grip! She is still celebrating with you at a separate event.

Will your sister be happy with what her husband has arranged? Is she close to her BIL and SIL?

What is your sister's husband's relationship like with you and your mum? Is there some friction/tension?

Unless we have more information about these relationships, it's difficult to say who is being unreasonable.

You’re making her birthday about you. It’s her birthday, not yours!
And what’s with all the flesh and blood nonsense?

Birthdays are often an excuse for multiple celebrations.
Your lunch together will be no less enjoyable for their having a trip.

i haven’t seen family members on their birthday for a number of years and we are no less close or important to each other.

You’ll set yourself up to fail if you make this a competition.

What is your sister's husband's relationship like with you and your mum? Is there some friction/tension?

Several posters have asked this and OP has yet to answer or explain.

Well aren’t you delightful.

Well she is content to see you 2 days later. You sound precious about someone else’s birthday

@Livpool It's not just 'somebody else' though is it? If it was one of the bin men or the cashier in Tesco I couldn't care less who they spend their birthday with. But it's my sister and it stings that she would rather spend it with people who aren't her family.

There is some tension with me yes, not with my Mum. We all fell out a few years ago but I thought things were better.

She's an adult, get a grip.

Why do you need to be so rude? My feelings may not be in line with yours, and I may be being over sensitive, but that doesn't give you the right to treat me with any less compassion? They are still MY feelings.

They are her family. And if she's happy to have a separate celebration with you a couple of days before or after it really is very petty to be so hung up on the day itself.

Her husband is literally her closest family.

They are probably better, or there would likely be no lunch.

You need to adjust your mindset. Her husband is very much her close family.

They ARE her family. For heaven’s sake, it’s her husband and her sister in law - what on earth is “not family” about that?

There is no reason she has to spend her birthday with family in any case, she could choose to just see some friends instead. But she is, in fact, seeing family. Just not your side of it.

Given the entitlement you and your mother seem to feel over this, it looks like a smart decision on her husband’s part. You aren’t owed her time.

I know HE is!! But THEY aren't.

However, my view on this may be a bit skewed as I have never had any inlaws so don't know what it is like to have relationships like that.

I think I'm also a little bit resentful because I did what I thought I should do for my 50th so I did see my Mum, whereas my sister can do what she likes. I would have liked to have gone away for the weekend with my family and close friends but I would never have heard the end of it.